For the last 12 days, I’ve been rather focused on the problems, and what’s going wrong with this very cycle and what could possibly be causing our recurrent pregnancy loss.
I have become consumed by everything progesterone – researching when to start it, its importance in successful implantation, when to stop taking it, etc.
I have been filled with disappointment with my current RE’s clinic. I feel as though talking to them has been completely pointless, and ever so frustrating.
Really, this last 12 days has just been one frustration thing after another as I try to sort through this.
Right when I feel confident about the decision we made to self-medicate with prometrium we had left over from our last miscarriage, I start to doubt myself.
And yet, as I’m working to pull myself out of anger, and move to a much healthier state of mind (a much more me-like place to be), I realize that these frustrations have been so bad because I have let them effect me this way. Evidently, at some point I made the unconscious decision to let these things get under my skin and to focus on them.
I have let myself question our decision to start prometrium.
I have let the nurses unsupportive and harsh attitude disappointment me.
I have let the little white lie I told in order to get a beta blood test bother me.
I have let myself sit in the anger.
I have let myself be fearful of becoming pregnant this cycle.
I have let myself believe and focus on the fact this simple fix could have saved my 4th and 5th babies.
I have let myself walk away from hope, and focus on everything negative and fearful.
I am refocusing myself and my perspective.
I am moving back to my place of hope!
I will focus on the big changes we are making to our medical team and care.
I will focus on the hope that comes along with seeing an RPL specialist. I will focus on the hope that he can figure out our problem, and provide us with a realistic solution that will result in a healthy baby. I will even let myself understand that he may find the problem, and it may be incurable I know I’ll be disappointed, but at least we’ll know for certain that this journey is over.
I will focus on the knowledge that while costly, we are fortunate enough to have saved our pennies and are able to make this work, without going into debt (at least for now).
I will focus on the fact that I have an amazing support network in the blogging world who have been such a huge support to me over the last few weeks.
I will focus on the love that I share with my husband. The love that keeps me going, and makes all this heartache worth it. The love that continues to shine through and grow, even as we have endured 2 years of solid grief.
I will focus on how much work I’ve done to sort through the grief of losing 5 babies, and just how far I’ve come through all of this.
I will focus on the things I can be grateful for. The things that make me smile. The things that make me excited to wake up in the morning and start a fresh new day.
Most importantly I will refocus on the promise I made myself coincidentally 10 days ago, when all of this started. I will center myself with the knowledge that I will survive this. My husband and I will get through this. No matter the outcome, no matter our final destination, we will live and more importantly we will thrive.
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