Please Life, Be Kinder
I have spent the last year of my life working incredibly hard to survive and thrive through the loss of our 5 little babies.
I have gone to counseling with an amazing psychologist who has given me advice, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with, and a loving push forward when I’ve needed it.
I have learned to breathe.
I have worked to see the happy moments in every single day, no matter how bad the day has been.
I have worked hard on my marriage. Actually, we have worked very hard on our marriage. We love each other, and we are determined to get through this together.
I have learned to refocus my priorities.
I have learned to change the lens in which I view the meaning of success.
We have sought out the best possible medical advice to try to find a solution, to help us create the life we so desperately desire.
I have worked bloody hard to build a solid foundation in which to continue to live from.
But yet, once again, I am caught off guard. I should know better than to rest easy, and expect life to be nice to me and those I love. But, honestly, I really just needed an easy year to work in implementing all my life lessons in my daily life, and to focus on happiness. I thought maybe, just maybe the world would conspire to help me.
Remember my happiness wish form a few months ago? Heck, I didn’t think my wish was all that lofty! And, I sure as heck didn’t think this could be the outcome.
Instead, as I sit here today, I am once again paralyzed by fear.
I know life is finite, and I should have known better than to expect life to be simple and/or easy. I just should have known better.
Soon enough I will find out if someone I love unbelievably dearly is about to enter the ring to have another round with cancer. The last round, a few years ago, saw cancer be defeated. But, we all know cancer doesn’t go quietly, and comes back when we least expect it.
I am angry with life. I am angry that at every turn for the last 2 years I have been facing death and grief. 5 babies dead. 2 grandparents dead. 1 high risk situation which could have resulted in my own life ending. 1 possible life altering cancer diagnosis. Seriously, when is enough, enough? How much can one person actually take before the foundation crumbles beyond repair?
I am frustrated with the hand I’ve been dealt, and the feeling that no matter what I do I cannot draw a decent hand. I am so freaking tired of treading water.
I am scared. More than anything, I am scared. I am so incredibly scared.
This is not my fight to fight. Yet, I will be forced to watch. Watch every crushing blow. And watch every moment of hope. I will be on the sidelines cheering the loudest and offering support however I can. My love is greater than the fear, and I will hold onto hope in anyways I can – I have no choice if I am to survive another hit.
I don’t want to watch someone I love suffer. I don’t want to see someone I love struggle. I don’t want to face the possibility of losing someone I love.
Please life, be kinder.
Please spare my Dad.
Note that since writing this post, we have learned that my Dad does not have cancer, rather he has a bone infection. There are countless possibilities with this diagnosis and until the type of infection is identified, we will continue to wait and hope for the best.
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