Please Life, Be Kinder

I have spent the last year of my life working incredibly hard to survive and thrive through the loss of our 5 little babies.

I have gone to counseling with an amazing psychologist who has given me advice, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with, and a loving push forward when I’ve needed it.

I have learned to breathe.

I have worked to see the happy moments in every single day, no matter how bad the day has been.

I have worked hard on my marriage. Actually, we have worked very hard on our marriage. We love each other, and we are determined to get through this together.

I have worked very hard to realize that life is messy, and that I can live in the mess.

I have learned to refocus my priorities.

I have learned to change the lens in which I view the meaning of success.

We have sought out the best possible medical advice to try to find a solution, to help us create the life we so desperately desire.

I have worked bloody hard to build a solid foundation in which to continue to live from.

But yet, once again, I am caught off guard. I should know better than to rest easy, and expect life to be nice to me and those I love. But, honestly, I really just needed an easy year to work in implementing all my life lessons in my daily life, and to focus on happiness. I thought maybe, just maybe the world would conspire to help me.

Remember my happiness wish form a few months ago? Heck, I didn’t think my wish was all that lofty!  And, I sure as heck didn’t think this could be the outcome.

Instead, as I sit here today, I am once again paralyzed by fear.

I know life is finite, and I should have known better than to expect life to be simple and/or easy. I just should have known better.

Soon enough I will find out if someone I love unbelievably dearly is about to enter the ring to have another round with cancer. The last round, a few years ago, saw cancer be defeated. But, we all know cancer doesn’t go quietly, and comes back when we least expect it.

I am angry with life. I am angry that at every turn for the last 2 years I have been facing death and grief. 5 babies dead. 2 grandparents dead. 1 high risk situation which could have resulted in my own life ending. 1 possible life altering cancer diagnosis. Seriously, when is enough, enough? How much can one person actually take before the foundation crumbles beyond repair?

I am frustrated with the hand I’ve been dealt, and the feeling that no matter what I do I cannot draw a decent hand. I am so freaking tired of treading water.

I am scared. More than anything, I am scared. I am so incredibly scared.

This is not my fight to fight. Yet, I will be forced to watch. Watch every crushing blow.  And watch every moment of hope. I will be on the sidelines cheering the loudest and offering support however I can. My love is greater than the fear, and I will hold onto hope in anyways I can – I have no choice if I am to survive another hit.

I don’t want to watch someone I love suffer. I don’t want to see someone I love struggle. I don’t want to face the possibility of losing someone I love.

Please life, be kinder.

Please spare my Dad.

.

Note that since writing this post, we have learned that my Dad does not have cancer, rather he has a bone infection. There are countless possibilities with this diagnosis and until the type of infection is identified, we will continue to wait and hope for the best.

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54 Comments on “Please Life, Be Kinder

  1. I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your dad – on top of all of the other things that you are already enduring. Much love to you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. Thinking and praying for you and your family. I am so sorry so much is happening to you :/ Hold on to hope and just breath…take it one moment, one day at a time.

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  3. Praying for you and your Daddy! I’ll pray the nurses and doctors and everyone involved in his care have healing hands during this time.

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  4. Thinking of you and your family during this tough time. I know all to well what’s it’s like to be dealt a shit hand over and over and feel like your treading water. I’m sorry honey. XO

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  5. Man, life, it just beats us up and spits us out doesn’t it? I am so so sorry about your daddy. Praying for an unimaginable amount of strength and out pouring of support and love! Many hugs!! XO

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  6. Oh Sweetie, I am sorry! I’m happy to hear it’s not cancer and I hope they find a resolution very soon. In the meantime, I will be praying for your Dad and your whole family to get through this. I will be praying for strength, comfort and healing. Sending you big hugs and lots of love!

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  7. Bless your heart. I wish I could give you a hug. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. I’m thinking of you and your dad. Xxx

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  8. Oh my, this choked me up so much. I’m so sorry you have to face more fear and uncertainty now with your dad. Hoping and praying all is ok. Sending lots of love your way. xo

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  9. Sorry you have been going through tough times. 😦 I hope that your dad finds out soon what the infection is all about so the best treatment could be available to him. Life is tough at times. Hang in there. ❤

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  10. Ugh, I am so sorry that you have one more thing to deal with BUT happy to read that it isn’t cancer. Either way I’ll keep you and your dad in my thoughts. Hoping he has a speedy recovery.

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    • Thank you so much! I too am thrilled that it is not cancer, although from what I understand a bone infection can be just as scary in many ways. So, until we know exactly what the prognosis is, I think we will all keep worrying, albeit slightly less.
      Thanks again!

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  11. Oh hon. I’m so sorry you are through this. Sending you and your dad so many prayers!

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  12. you have every right to be angry and scared! I would and have been. But, I remind myself that after all that we still need to continue our journey to recovery. I hope you will find peace within you.

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  13. Oh how awful. I hope your dad is okay – I felt some relief reading that last update on your post. I know what you mean about this year too, Hubby and I are so ready for 2015!!! x

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  14. My sad does have cancer. I understand your fear but am relieved to hear your Dad does not have it. Hope the infection clears quickly and painfully.

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    • Oh god! I meant painlessly. Maybe I was projecting some of my own pain into that thought. Thanks for posting. The blogs are keeping me entertained at this early hour in the hospital. My husband won’t be in for a few more hours but I’m wide awake.

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  15. Pingback: Let Down | My Perfect Breakdown

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