Head Above Water

As a child I loved going swimming.

I loved splashing around in the water.

I would spend hours at the local pool.

My parents put us in swimming lessons to make sure we knew how to swim. Once we were good enough swimmers, and mastered the basics (front crawl, back crawl, diving, treading water, etc.) we were allowed to quit lessons and just swim for fun.

So, when my sister and I were old enough to bike to the local pool, we’d go every day possible during the summer for public swim. Entrance into the pool cost $1.00. When they put waterslides in, the cost was $1.00 to swim + $2.00 to go on the slides. But, you didn’t have to pay for the waterslides if you didn’t want to go on them.

My parents agreed to pay the $1.00 for us. But if we wanted to go on the slides, we had to pay the extra from our allowance. Ya right, we totally “snuck” the extra $2.00 each from their change jar to pay for it. As, an adult, I now realize we were really stealing form our parents (so not cool). I suspect they knew and didn’t care, because really it was the cheapest, safest and healthiest way for us to pass our summer.

While my sister and I almost always rode our bikes together on our way to and from the pool, often times we’d met friends there and go our separate ways once we inside. Other times, we’d go together, spend the time together in the pool just enjoy the company of one and other.

I remember, the very first time I was able to go into the deep-end of the pool (3m deep I think). It was clearly over my head, but I was a good enough swimmer that it just didn’t matter. I felt like i could conquer anything!

So the next time, I intentionally set out to swim to the bottom of the pool and touch it with my hand. Yup, I could conquer anything! We would have races to see who could touch the bottom and get back to the surface the quickest.

Other days, we would see who could tread water the longest before having to retreat to the safety of the pool’s edge due to our tired arms and legs. Yes, we were daring little kids. But, wow, was it fun!

My love for swimming continues even now as an adult.  Whenever we travel somewhere warm, whether we are in Panama, Thailand, Cambodia, or Hawaii, I am always happy to find a nice pool to jump into, or a calm ocean to dip my toes in.  And, if I’m lucky my husband will even join me.

20141001 - Head Above Water2



20141001 - Head Above Water3Now, here I am, feeling like I am playing a constant real like version of the treading water game, and I’m the only competitor. I jumped off the ledge over two years ago, the sharks have tried to destroy me on 5 different occasions and yet I am still here, treading water and working tirelessly to keep my head above water. The sunshine is fleeting at best, the water somehow seems darker, the depth unknown and the creatures below less friendly.

I can see my husband, he’s in the water with me – neither of us can save the other one, yet neither of us can do this alone.  We have a few

people on the side lines cheering us on, but really, I’m alone in the deep-end, and no-one is able to throw me a life preserver. I am scared of the sharks below, and fighting to stay afloat.

To lose, means I have to admit defeat and give up. I either drown in the pool (which sure as hell won’t happen, I just won’t let it) or swim back to the ledge, and accept that our current childfree life will continue. I hope that rather than swimming back to the same ledge I jumped off of two years ago, I’ll be able to cross the pool to the other side, and see this all in a different light. Make peace with the deep-end.

To win, means our gamble on Dr. B, works. Our substantial financial and emotional investment will pay off, and we will get the healthy baby we have been dreaming of. The hope that has kept us going, doesn’t let us down in the end. And, eventually, if we win, I’ll be able to go back into the pool without fear, my nemeses, at my side. I’ll be able to return, with our baby to spend mommy and baby time at a swimming pool. Teaching our child to swim, just as my mom did with us.

Oh, please let us win this…

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34 Comments on “Head Above Water

    • Thanks so much! Honestly, after our free telephone consult with Dr. B today, I already feel like the sharks aren’t nipping at my feet quite so badly. I don’t know how long it will last, but I will enjoy the feeling for as long as I can!


  1. I love the swim down memory lane about your happy times with your sister. I am also wishing like mad that your hope and perseverance help you find the path to the other side of these dark, treacherous waters, too. Good luck today. I’ll be thinking of you.


    • Thanks so much! I’ll shoot you an email shortly, and will write a post as well on the outcome of the appointments today. But honestly, based on a 10 minute phone call, I feel like we’ve been thrown a life preserver, and if nothing else at least I can take a rest. I don’t know how long this feeling of hope will last, but I’ll take it for now! 🙂


  2. What a great analogy! I too, loved to swim although I was usually there with friends. My Sister didn’t have the same enjoyment for the pool as I did but I do remember swimming with my Sisters in the lake at the cabin we went to for 2 weeks every summer. 🙂 I’m praying the gamble on Dr. B pays off!!


    • Oh, I love hearing your memories swimming with your sisters! I think most kids, at least in North America, probably have summer memories of swimming. Or maybe, I just hope most do, because they are such great memories to have! 🙂
      I too hope our gamble with Dr. B pays off. Right now, after our 10 minute conversation with him today, I am optimistic that it will. I’ll write more on it later, but I do feel pretty good about things in this moment.


  3. I love this childhood story, and the analogy it also is for your current challenge. I also feel like we’re treading water, struggling to keep our heads up. I hope Dr. B gives you some reprieve from feeling like you two are the only ones treading water.


    • I can honestly say after our 10 minute conversation with Dr. B today, I feel a lot more optimistic. At least for the moment – I don’t know how long I will continue to feel this way, but I will hold on to it as long as I can. For the first time, I feel like we are going to get an answer, and I need that to be able to move forward. I’ll write a post on it sometime in the next few days, but so far, so god. 🙂
      I hope you too are able to find a way to keep your head afloat.


  4. Beautiful reflections. Analogies can be so great to put an emotional tie to the kind of journey you are on. I hope Dr. B. Can provide you what you need.


  5. Don’t give up girlie! Keep swimming and treading 🙂

    The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. Habakkuk 3:19


  6. I was just telling my husband last night that I cannot wait to teach our kid to swim! We had our pool built 8 years ago and included a special “sun shelf” area that’s just 9″ deep in the shallow end that is perfect for kids to sit and play, and that was the intention. Since then only our neighbors kids have gotten to enjoy that part, but our time is coming soon!


  7. I love this and can so identify with the analogy of the treading water game. You’ve written this so beautifully, and I also loved reading about your memories with your sister. Really hoping Dr. B. can throw you that life preserver you deserve!


    • Thanks so much for your empathy and hope! We had our free skype consult today, and I can honestly say I feel more hope today then I have in a long time. It may cost us a small fortune, but I am optimistic he will be able to find the answer and a solution (although, I can honestly say I’m not sure we will be able to afford the solution, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there). So, for the moment, I’m optimistic and I hope it lasts more then one night.
      I do hope that you find your life preserver as well!!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Such a beautiful memory and a perfect analogy. Praying you will cross over to the other side of that pool soon hon. I have so much hope for your appt with Dr. B ❤


  9. I love this story. We have to trust that we will be able to tread or float before the next life preserver is thrown our way. Sending you strength and clarity my friend. ❤ J


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