In my real life, in addition to all the horrible medical stuff and the ensuing emotional stuff we’ve been dealing with lately, I have been dealing with some very strong feelings of hurt and disappointment for the last few weeks thanks to two people I love dearly.
When we decided to go to NYC to see Dr. Braverman, we chose not to tell many people about our trip. Although we were hoping for an easy fix, we logically knew that there was a very good chance we would receive bad news and potentially life altering news.
We wanted to be able to deal with our emotions without pressure to share the results with nosy people. And, honestly, I despise being the center of attention, and even more I despise looks of pity. I would do just about anything to avoid pity.
We chose to tell, and therefore trust, a total of 6 people. A couple who are really amazing friends, Mr. MPB’s brother and wife, and my parents. We shared why we decided to spend the money to go see an expert in RPL and the details of our trip. We made it clear, and have made it clear in the past, that details of our journey are confidential and therefore not public for everyone to know at this point in time. It is one thing for people to know we have had miscarriages, it is one thing for random people to know the intimate details.
Well, upon our arrival back in Canada when I turned on my cell phone, imagine my surprise when I had a very thoughtful text message from my little step-sister (whom I adore) that amongst other things wished us luck in NYC with the doctor. Now, do not misread this, I am not in the least upset with my step-sister. She clearly had no idea she wasn’t supposed to know and I adore that she wanted to let us know she was thinking about us and wishing us well.
But, the problem is that she was not supposed to know. And while, we may at some point have chosen to tell her (and other members of our family), we would have done it in our own way when we were ready. We made the deliberate decision to tell her, and the rest of our families our final decision at the end of this! Key words here are the FINAL DECISION. Not the process to get there and most definitely not the intimate details of our medical testing and results!
But more importantly, I am so incredibly hurt because my parents betrayed our trust. They know we have chosen not to tell my husband’s parents about the fact we’ve had 5 miscarriages, for a few significant reasons one of which is that we don’t trust his mom to keep her mouth shut (she loves to tell other people’s stories and always has). My parents, they knew, they absolutely knew, how important it has been to us that we share details of our journey with the people of our choosing, when we are ready to.
My parents should have understood that our medical appointment was not public knowledge – it’s not like they tell everyone we know when my step-brother has a medical appointment for his addiction and mental health issues. It’s not like this is public news, so why the fuck would our visit to a medical expert be public?
If they were asked where we were at Thanksgiving, the answer could have been a very simple – they are in NYC for the long weekend. Heck, they didn’t even have to lie! They just had to omit the confidential reason for our trip – this is not a hard thing to do!
But now, more than anything, we are left with a sense of dread when we go visit them. We will be at a family wedding in just over a week’s time, and we now have to wonder who else did they tell? And what else have they told over the last 2 years? Who is going to ask us the insensitive and dump questions? How are we going to handle our answers? Anyone going through any sort of IF, knows the frustrating and insensitive questions people ask, so now instead of getting to go an enjoy a wedding celebration, we will be on edge waiting for stupid insensitive intrusions into our personal lives. Fun times to be had by us I’m sure.
Oh, and my Dad’s response to all of this? I texted my dad after reading the text from my step-sister, still sitting on the plane fuming, and said “I hope you haven’t told more people then D that we were in NYC for testing. This really wasn’t something we wanted to share with more people then you at this point.” His response was “okay.” No apology, nothing. And since then, he has pretty much dodged my few phone calls. And to a bad situation more complicated, I know he is going through his own medical shit right now, so I’m trying to be patient and calm down. And, I figure he knows I’m upset and is trying to give me time to calm down, but honestly I haven’t calmed down in the least. Not yet.
I’m simply hurt and disappointment. And so is Mr. MPB.
I’ve often been one to trust easily – I like to see the good in everyone and everything. Which of course means I open myself up to disappointment. But today, I am hurt and disappointment by two people who I never expected this from, and this just sucks. In my books, trust is a hard thing to regain once it has been broken.
And, because we’ve been so honest with my parents about our journey so far, I know they want to know what’s up – in fact, my step-mom has already asked and I dodged the questions with vague answers (passive-aggression at it’s finest). But, honestly, I cannot imagine telling them any of the details. How can we now? And even if the people they told are smart enough to not press us for details, they will ask my parents when we are not around. And will my parents share details with others? I no longer trust that they will keep our confidence and keep things to themselves.
But what’s worse, is right now as we are dealing with all the emotions of knowing of the last few weeks, we probably need them more than any other time. And now, we don’t feel as though we can trust them.
And while I know we can eventually learn to trust them again, right now, it’s just not something I want to work on. I feel like my husband and I are working on a lot right now and dealing with some of the hardest times either of us have ever face. And honestly, I just don’t feel like spending my time and energy educating my adult parents about the meaning of trust. Right now, my energy is better spent focusing on our family decisions and our own healing.
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