Let Down
In my real life, in addition to all the horrible medical stuff and the ensuing emotional stuff we’ve been dealing with lately, I have been dealing with some very strong feelings of hurt and disappointment for the last few weeks thanks to two people I love dearly.
When we decided to go to NYC to see Dr. Braverman, we chose not to tell many people about our trip. Although we were hoping for an easy fix, we logically knew that there was a very good chance we would receive bad news and potentially life altering news.
We wanted to be able to deal with our emotions without pressure to share the results with nosy people. And, honestly, I despise being the center of attention, and even more I despise looks of pity. I would do just about anything to avoid pity.
We chose to tell, and therefore trust, a total of 6 people. A couple who are really amazing friends, Mr. MPB’s brother and wife, and my parents. We shared why we decided to spend the money to go see an expert in RPL and the details of our trip. We made it clear, and have made it clear in the past, that details of our journey are confidential and therefore not public for everyone to know at this point in time. It is one thing for people to know we have had miscarriages, it is one thing for random people to know the intimate details.
Well, upon our arrival back in Canada when I turned on my cell phone, imagine my surprise when I had a very thoughtful text message from my little step-sister (whom I adore) that amongst other things wished us luck in NYC with the doctor. Now, do not misread this, I am not in the least upset with my step-sister. She clearly had no idea she wasn’t supposed to know and I adore that she wanted to let us know she was thinking about us and wishing us well.
But, the problem is that she was not supposed to know. And while, we may at some point have chosen to tell her (and other members of our family), we would have done it in our own way when we were ready. We made the deliberate decision to tell her, and the rest of our families our final decision at the end of this! Key words here are the FINAL DECISION. Not the process to get there and most definitely not the intimate details of our medical testing and results!
But more importantly, I am so incredibly hurt because my parents betrayed our trust. They know we have chosen not to tell my husband’s parents about the fact we’ve had 5 miscarriages, for a few significant reasons one of which is that we don’t trust his mom to keep her mouth shut (she loves to tell other people’s stories and always has). My parents, they knew, they absolutely knew, how important it has been to us that we share details of our journey with the people of our choosing, when we are ready to.
My parents should have understood that our medical appointment was not public knowledge – it’s not like they tell everyone we know when my step-brother has a medical appointment for his addiction and mental health issues. It’s not like this is public news, so why the fuck would our visit to a medical expert be public?
If they were asked where we were at Thanksgiving, the answer could have been a very simple – they are in NYC for the long weekend. Heck, they didn’t even have to lie! They just had to omit the confidential reason for our trip – this is not a hard thing to do!
But now, more than anything, we are left with a sense of dread when we go visit them. We will be at a family wedding in just over a week’s time, and we now have to wonder who else did they tell? And what else have they told over the last 2 years? Who is going to ask us the insensitive and dump questions? How are we going to handle our answers? Anyone going through any sort of IF, knows the frustrating and insensitive questions people ask, so now instead of getting to go an enjoy a wedding celebration, we will be on edge waiting for stupid insensitive intrusions into our personal lives. Fun times to be had by us I’m sure.
Oh, and my Dad’s response to all of this? I texted my dad after reading the text from my step-sister, still sitting on the plane fuming, and said “I hope you haven’t told more people then D that we were in NYC for testing. This really wasn’t something we wanted to share with more people then you at this point.” His response was “okay.” No apology, nothing. And since then, he has pretty much dodged my few phone calls. And to a bad situation more complicated, I know he is going through his own medical shit right now, so I’m trying to be patient and calm down. And, I figure he knows I’m upset and is trying to give me time to calm down, but honestly I haven’t calmed down in the least. Not yet.
I’m simply hurt and disappointment. And so is Mr. MPB.
I’ve often been one to trust easily – I like to see the good in everyone and everything. Which of course means I open myself up to disappointment. But today, I am hurt and disappointment by two people who I never expected this from, and this just sucks. In my books, trust is a hard thing to regain once it has been broken.
And, because we’ve been so honest with my parents about our journey so far, I know they want to know what’s up – in fact, my step-mom has already asked and I dodged the questions with vague answers (passive-aggression at it’s finest). But, honestly, I cannot imagine telling them any of the details. How can we now? And even if the people they told are smart enough to not press us for details, they will ask my parents when we are not around. And will my parents share details with others? I no longer trust that they will keep our confidence and keep things to themselves.
But what’s worse, is right now as we are dealing with all the emotions of knowing of the last few weeks, we probably need them more than any other time. And now, we don’t feel as though we can trust them.
And while I know we can eventually learn to trust them again, right now, it’s just not something I want to work on. I feel like my husband and I are working on a lot right now and dealing with some of the hardest times either of us have ever face. And honestly, I just don’t feel like spending my time and energy educating my adult parents about the meaning of trust. Right now, my energy is better spent focusing on our family decisions and our own healing.
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My Perfect Breakdown 
I am so sorry they betrayed your trust. That is SO NOT ok. My best friend did it to me, she told her mum we had received funding from the NHS for our bits of the IVF and her mum asked me about it face to face at my friend’s son’s birthday, of all places. It hurts like hell. As if this stuff isn’t hard enough already but when this happens it feels like people are discussing your most intimate goings on as if they’re gossip – no matter how well-intentioned the person was.
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Thank you so much for sharing your experience – while it sucks, it is nice to know that I am not the only one who has felt so betrayed by someone I love. I am sorry you too have experienced this.
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I am so sorry! This is not what you need right now in the midst of everything else you have to think through and figure out. And I totally understand going to an event and getting blindsided by questions from people that aren’t even supposed to know what you’re dealing with. Sending you love and prayers that you’ll get through the wedding without any insensitive questions and hopefully even be able to have a bit of a good time.
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Thanks so much for your support! I so hope we wont have to deal with anyone. But at least we are now expecting inappropriate questions. I guess, in many ways, we wont be truly blindsided.
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My mom is similar, so I get it. Boy do I get it. I had to have a come to Jesus talk about not telling anyone anything or she will never get any more information.
But right now, going through so much, you just need to cling to the family you have. This sounds like misdirected anger to me.
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Thanks for sharing your similar experience, and how you handled it.
While I can appreciate the idea of clinging to the family we do have, I am more of a believer in clinging to the good people in our lives family or not. I firmly believe that what we need right now is people who love, support and respect our wishes and decisions. And, family or not, if someone isn’t being supportive, then they aren’t someone I need to rely on and that may just include my parents. I’m not saying I’d cut them out entirely, but I will cut them out of the details.
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Trust is such a critical piece of human relationships. Like you, I am devastated and furious when it’s broken by the select few with whom I may share very private information. With all due respect to patientsubfertility (whose comments I adore on the whole) I know you personally to some degree and I don’t see your anger as misdirected. I would shut my family out if I were in the same shoes as you. Period. In fact, that is a decision I have made throughout our RPL journey with family I cannot trust. My Dad and his fiancee and my SIL are the only family we’ve told about the immune protocol I’m on and that I’m currently pregnant and praying my ass off to stay that way. If either of them started blabbing, I’d be done forever on this journey with them. And that’s not anger. It’s self-preservation. I don’t need more shitty feeling on the heap I’ve already got going on in my own innards. Neither do you and Mr. MPB.
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Thank you so much Spirit Baby! You are just so right, it is about self-preservation right now. We need to focus on building a circle of support from people who respect our decisions.
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I agree. That does not meant you have to shut them out but if there is only so much energy to go around it is reasonable for you to prioritize your immediate needs and emotional safety over putting family in first place in your support circle. Your dad has a lot on the go too and his judgment may not be perfect going forward – not out of malice, because boundaries are not everyone’s strong suit – which could lead to more hurt for you and Mr. MPB. Follow your gut’s lead and mind your heart’s compassion. You will know the way.
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Thank you. Truly. Thank you.
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I’m so sorry this happened right when you need your parents the most. People often just don’t understand the raw emotion and how much is on the line because it’s not their own lives. When you say, please keep this confidential, that’s it, it shouldn’t be shared ever. I hope you can have a sit-down with your parents and get an apology so you can move forward.
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Thanks so much for your compassion and understanding! I am ever so grateful!
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I’m so sorry that your trust has been betrayed, especially by someone who means so much to you. I hope, for your sake, that they didn’t tell anyone else what is going on. If that was me, I would tell them that they get no more info from me, at all, until you’re ready to tell everyone else. I’m sorry you’re now having to deal with this on top of everything else.
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Thank you for your wonderful compassion! I agree, it is unlikely they will get more details out of us from this point forward – we will just tell them final decisions that we are okay with them telling others. It seems like the best approach forward.
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I can not only sympathize but directly relate to this. I’m so sorry. My mom is the blabbermouth in my family. While going through this IVF process, there were several times that I needed her to help me out while my husband was at work. As a result she became intimately familiar with every aspect of our treatment. I asked her to please keep the details to herself and not tell my brother and sisters (who would likely tell their spouses). A failure is hard enough without having to echo the result over and over again. She swore she wouldn’t say a thing. Last month, towards the end of my TWW (I already knew the cycle had failed but hadn’t told my mom), I heard her Facetiming with my sister. My sister not realizing I was in the room says: “Does she know if the transfer worked yet?” I was so deeply hurt and betrayed. I haven’t forgiven her for it and have therefore kept her in the dark this month around. It really stings when family betray our trust like that. I hope you are able to rebuild a trusting relationship with your parents.
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Thank you so much for sharing your similar experience – I am so sorry that you understand the betrayal and hurt that results.
It sounds like we are doing the same thing as you – not telling my parents any of the details about what is going on. They can have the final decision, but they don’t get to be active participants in the process anymore.
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Oh, God. This takes me back to our first cycle of IVF. My mom loves drama and attention, so I was careful to say, “do not tell anyone, especially the H family” (my moms sister). For our second IVF cycle, they were with the H family so I repeated that they are not to know. When my mom got home, she called to say that my cousin was, “hoping for you and in your corner.”. What? When I said, “you told them!? I told you not to!”. My mom said, “well, I was feeling close to her and wanted to share.”. We never told them again when we were doing a cycle.
My older sister put it very clearly for me. Parents think that their children are their business (we are, in a way), which makes them think that their children’s business is their business to share. As my sister says, this is NOT ok, but it’s how some people function. So if I don’t want my news shared with anyone or everyone, then I don’t share it with my parents. Best lesson-learned ever for me. Truly.
I’m so sorry your family added stress. Its the last thing you need. I think when they ask for an update, you can frankly say, “we entrusted you with confidential info before, and you broke our trust. At this time, we can’t entrust you with even more sensitive, personal information. I’m sorry.”
I am enraged for you.
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I am so sorry that you know the hurt and disappointment that comes along with a parent breaking your trust.
Also, I think your sister is so incredibly right when she said that “parents think that their children are their business (we are, in a way), which makes them think that their children’s business is their business to share.: It doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it so true!
I also love your lesson ” if I don’t want my news shared with anyone or everyone, then I don’t share it with my parents.” I think I too just learned this lesson.
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Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. It’s frustrating and hurtful and simply – it’s not their story to tell. My mother did something similar but she was very remorseful and we were able to move on from it. I’m so so sorry, it really sucks ❤
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Wow, it sure seems like everyone has had this happen to them at some point! Maybe I should be thrilled that it didn’t happen to us sooner! 🙂
I am sorry you are able to understand our frustrations and hurt. But I am happy you and your mom have been able to move on from it.
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Unfortunately we dealt with broken trust from both sets of parents during our IVF cycle. It especially hurts when they don’t acknowledge it and you get a response like okay. I understand because this is how they reacted to me calling them out too. Boundaries are so often broken in families. This is one concept I’m really struggling with understanding how to continuously enforce them when they are always broken down. I hope you have an ok time at the wedding. Set the intention for no random questions or confrontation – and let’s hope it works.
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I would have to agree with SpiritBabyComeHome. We did not cling. We cut out. My relationship has mended with my parents, but I’m still not talking to my sister and rarely to my in laws.
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I am so sorry that you have such a good understanding of what I’m experiencing right now! Clearly, from reading all the comments I received on this post, I am not alone in having my trust broken by someone close to us.
It is sad that during such a difficult time that so many of us are faced with this.
I am sorry that you too have cut out people who have hurt you, but I am so appreciative of your understanding and compassion. Thank you.
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I hate it when people feel entitled to share something that is not theirs to share. My side of the family has done that too many times so now I don’t tell them anything. They find out through my blog then if they have questions they can call or text, but I never give out all the details anymore. Too painful to be blindsided with other people knowing. Hopefully things turn out to be ok and the wedding goes by without a hitch. So frustrating! I am so sorry, HUGS!
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Thank you so much for sharing your experience about how you have dealt with those who have broken your trust. I agree with your approach as we too will not be telling them details anymore.
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This is a sensitive time as it is for you and I am so sorry your parents betrayed your trust. You have so much on your plate now. Through all of that, you are still able to focus on your own family.
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Thank you so much for your compassion and understanding. I am truly grateful.
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Ugh. So sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. You shouldn’t have to worry about things like this and I totally get why you wanted to keep it private and share it on your own time. Hugs.
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Thank you so much for understanding!! I am so thankful for your continued support.
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I’m sorry. Like you needed more disappointment…. I would be angry too.
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Thank you for understanding!
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What a hard situation. I am so sorry you are going through all of this!
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Thank you so much for your kind words and compassion.
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When we miscarried, our parents knew and we asked them not to tell anyone. My parents repeatedly told people and called me and confessed one person a day that they told for about a week. It was a horrible time, but it passed. This will too! ❤ I am so sorry they didn't listen.
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Thank you for sharing your experience. You are so right, this too will pass.
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I am so sorry!! My hubby and I had a similar situation with his step mom right after we found out about our infertility situation. She is a blabbermouth to say the least. I remember not long after I got home one night (she had just found out) I had several messages in my Facebook inbox from people wanting to “comfort” me. I just couldn’t believe it mainly because she lives in FL and all of the people messaging me were people I barely even knew. I couldn’t believe she told them! We no longer tell her anything regarding our personal lives like that. Sending you hugs! xo
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Thank so much for sharing your experience and the end result of cutting them out of the details. It’s clearly a rather common occurrence and I’m sorry you too had to experience someone close to you breaking your trust.
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How frustrating. Your decision making process should not be public news. My mom does this a lot to me and it makes me furious. This is a private journey between you and your husband; those you trust with this journey should respect your privacy.
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I hate that you have also endured this, but I am thankful for know that we are not alone in dealing with this. Thank you for sharing your understanding.
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I’m so sorry your Dad and Step Mom let you down like that hon. It’s just so wrong what they did and the lack of response makes it so much worse. I’m sure your Dad is feeling a lot of guilt, but he really should have known better. I’m so so sorry. You just don’t need to deal with this heartache and worry on top of everything else. I hope you don’t get any insensitive comments or questions at the wedding. Hugs hon.
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Thanks so much for understanding! I so hope we don’t get face with insensitive comments at the wedding, but only time will tell. And, in a way at least we are now expecting it, so we wont be completely blindsided.
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