Happiness, Anxiety and Anger
The last few weeks have been rather tough on me (and my husband too), and I’ve used my blog space to share my emotions. The good, the bad and the really ugly and downright hard. I’d say the last few weeks in my personal life, and therefore my blogging life have included some of the hardest moments of my life. (And thank you to everyone who has showered us with support and love – I am so incredibly grateful!)
So, today I want to take a minute to share that while we are coming to terms with our reality, we are also not living under a constant cloud. We are living, we are enjoying and we are generally happy.
I sat here thinking about what my happiness, anxiety and anger would look like through the last month if I were to chart it. So, using a simple scare of 1-10 (with 10 being high for all three emotions), the last month would look something like this (note that the bump on October 9th would be a direct result of receiving our bad preliminary diagnosis from Dr. B):
The biggest thing I notice from the trend is probably rather obvious to most people, particularly anyone who studies psychology.
The happier I am, the less anxious and angry I feel.
The more anxious and angry I feel, the less happy I am.
I didn’t need a PhD in psychology to figure out these correlations, but yet it was so much easier to see when I charted my emotional levels.
And interestingly, if I look at the dates of everything, it was the last third of October when I my emotions started to actually switch.
My anger at the end of September and beginning of October was probably off the charts. It wasn’t until the middle of October when I was able to start letting go of some of my anger towards our RE. I know I am still harboring some of the anger, and I’m not really sure what to do with it. I know I need to find a way to let it go, but honestly, I just don’t know how. I am still blaming him for our 4th and 5th losses. If we knew what we know now we would never have tried to conceive those babies which were just bound to die without proper care, and in my opinion our RE was not providing us with adequate care. I have to find a way to let go of the rest of my anger, but I’m at a loss for how to actually do it.
My anxiety about everything is clearly highest when we were dealing with the progesterone fiasco and the resulting distrust with our RE. My anxiety has actually dropped a lot since seeing Dr. B. Not because he has found an affordable solution, but because I am accepting the situation for what it is. I am less anxious about getting pregnant again, because we are actively trying not to. I am less anxious about another miscarriage, because as long I am not pregnant, I cannot miscarry. I am less anxious about bad news from Dr. B, because honestly it cannot get much worse then what we’ve already been told. What I am anxious about is different today than it was before – I am not anxious and slightly overwhelmed by the entire adoption process. But, I think I’m sitting at a much healthier level of anxiety today, then I was a month ago.
As for happiness. Oh, how I love happiness. In my humble opinion, happiness is what makes life worth living. If I cannot see happiness, then I have a serious problem. This is why my 100 days of happiness project has been so important to me, and why I have continued it beyond the 100 days. For me, it is a really eye opening practice that has forced me to look beyond the bad moment, or the bad day, or even the bad week to see that life always has moments of beauty that can make me smile. It has been important to me to acknowledge happiness even on the worst of days. I am not one to be depressed, and I will continue to search our happiness because I need happiness. So, my plan is just that, I will continue to focus on the happy moments and I will continue to create happiness in my life. That said, my happiness wish has not changed and I could still really use to be smacked across the face with pure happiness. Simple, obvious, pure, ecstatic happiness.
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