Happiness, Anxiety and Anger

The last few weeks have been rather tough on me (and my husband too), and I’ve used my blog space to share my emotions. The good, the bad and the really ugly and downright hard. I’d say the last few weeks in my personal life, and therefore my blogging life have included some of the hardest moments of my life. (And thank you to everyone who has showered us with support and love – I am so incredibly grateful!)

So, today I want to take a minute to share that while we are coming to terms with our reality, we are also not living under a constant cloud. We are living, we are enjoying and we are generally happy.

I sat here thinking about what my happiness, anxiety and anger would look like through the last month if I were to chart it. So, using a simple scare of 1-10 (with 10 being high for all three emotions), the last month would look something like this (note that the bump on October 9th would be a direct result of receiving our bad preliminary diagnosis from Dr. B):

20141105 - Happiness, Anxiety and Anger

The biggest thing I notice from the trend is probably rather obvious to most people, particularly anyone who studies psychology.

The happier I am, the less anxious and angry I feel.

The more anxious and angry I feel, the less happy I am.

I didn’t need a PhD in psychology to figure out these correlations, but yet it was so much easier to see when I charted my emotional levels.

And interestingly, if I look at the dates of everything, it was the last third of October when I my emotions started to actually switch.

My anger at the end of September and beginning of October was probably off the charts. It wasn’t until the middle of October when I was able to start letting go of some of my anger towards our RE. I know I am still harboring some of the anger, and I’m not really sure what to do with it. I know I need to find a way to let it go, but honestly, I just don’t know how. I am still blaming him for our 4th and 5th losses. If we knew what we know now we would never have tried to conceive those babies which were just bound to die without proper care, and in my opinion our RE was not providing us with adequate care. I have to find a way to let go of the rest of my anger, but I’m at a loss for how to actually do it.

My anxiety about everything is clearly highest when we were dealing with the progesterone fiasco and the resulting distrust with our RE. My anxiety has actually dropped a lot since seeing Dr. B. Not because he has found an affordable solution, but because I am accepting the situation for what it is. I am less anxious about getting pregnant again, because we are actively trying not to. I am less anxious about another miscarriage, because as long I am not pregnant, I cannot miscarry. I am less anxious about bad news from Dr. B, because honestly it cannot get much worse then what we’ve already been told. What I am anxious about is different today than it was before – I am not anxious and slightly overwhelmed by the entire adoption process. But, I think I’m sitting at a much healthier level of anxiety today, then I was a month ago.

As for happiness. Oh, how I love happiness. In my humble opinion, happiness is what makes life worth living. If I cannot see happiness, then I have a serious problem. This is why my 100 days of happiness project has been so important to me, and why I have continued it beyond the 100 days. For me, it is a really eye opening practice that has forced me to look beyond the bad moment, or the bad day, or even the bad week to see that life always has moments of beauty that can make me smile. It has been important to me to acknowledge happiness even on the worst of days. I am not one to be depressed, and I will continue to search our happiness because I need happiness. So, my plan is just that, I will continue to focus on the happy moments and I will continue to create happiness in my life. That said, my happiness wish has not changed and I could still really use to be smacked across the face with pure happiness. Simple, obvious, pure, ecstatic happiness.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

21 Comments on “Happiness, Anxiety and Anger

  1. I am so impressed. it’s such a difficult difficult thing to find a positive attitude in the midst of loss. may you inspire others- especially me!

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  2. This is great, on so many levels. You are amazing. It has been really helpful for me to read your posts, as we have been going through some similar emotions following our miscarriages. Is there an app that you are using to track your emotions?

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    • Thanks so much! I am glad that by sharing my story and my processing of everything, I am able to help you and maybe others as well.
      As for an app, nope, I just used good old excel and then made a pretty little chart. 🙂

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    • Thank so much. You made me think about something a real life friend of mine said a few months ago – it take an average of 2 weeks to develop a routine, so now that I’ve been doing the happy day thing for so long, it’s going to take me a whole lot of 2 weeks to stop seeing happiness. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, I love looking at the graph form of your emotions. Having a tangible way to view that is actually quite nice… I am so so thankful you are feeling on the up and up! Your ability to see through it all and still find joy, amazes me. A major inspiration! 🙂 XO

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words! I am honoured to be even the slightest bit inspirational to you! Thank you.
      Ya, I love statistics and graphs and charts. So for me, it only makes sense to chart my emotions and see what it actually looks like, and it is nice to see the upward happiness line. 🙂

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  4. Good for you! You are so strong, and you have such great insight into yourself. I’m happy to see that you are feeling better! Keeping you in my prayers!! xo

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  5. I love that you actively search out happiness! It is such a great way to look at life and you’ve inspired me to do the same. Although, I’ve been using my iPhone (our lens on our good camera is broken) and have yet gotten a chance to post them, lol.

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  6. I really love this. One of the lessons I learned in the aftermath of the miscarriages that surprised me so much was that it is still possible to find joy and happiness amidst heartache and struggle. It’s not always easy to do, and it definitely takes the kind of strength that you continually demonstrate, but it’s always there if you choose to see it and seek it out. Your chart made me smile, as it reminds me of something my husband would do (excel is what gets him through life, haha!). And I feel so relieved to see the upward trend of happiness, and downward trend of anxiety and anger. You haven’t had an easy road, but you are navigating it so admirably. xoxo

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words. Nothing about RPL is easy, so for me, finding happiness has just been so important to keeping myself more balanced.
      Oh, and I love that you husband loves excel. I think it’s awesome.

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  7. What a great post hon. It’s so hard to find our happy in the midst of RPL and yet, there are always moments of happiness in every day, and I love that you are keeping up with the happiness challenge so you don’t miss those moments. Having said that, I’m hoping you get slapped in the face with pure blissful happiness that you don’t have to search for because it will be so obvious very soon!

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      • Thanks hon. I’m good. I finally seem to be getting over this horrible cold and the nausea had gone away so all around things are good 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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