With Love Always, Your Little Sister

Dear Melissa,

It has been so long since we last spoke – at a time when we were full of youthful innocence.  Wow, has life changed.  Where do I even begin to start? You have been gone too long and I have so much to tell you.

I wonder do you know what happened to the rest of us since you and mom left us so many years ago?

Do you know that Dad got remarried and my step-brother shares the same name as our brother? It’s not a common name, so it’s really rather weird. His second wife is pretty nice and absolutely nothing like Mom, but I figure that’s a good thing. When they got married, in addition to getting a step-brother, I also got a step-sister. She’s a lot younger than me, but I just adore her. It’s funny how in so many ways that I ended up with a little sister of my own.

Do you know that your best friends are doing well? I’ve done a pretty bad job of keeping in touch with them through the years, but I hear through the grapevine that they are both doing well. One of them has a couple of kids, who are pretty cute in all the pictures I saw on Facebook (oh, and Facebook exits now, and so does blogging, but that’s a whole different conversation).  I’m sure all your friends miss you too.20141106 - With Love Always, Your Little Sister2

Do you know that I finished high school, and got a couple of university degrees and have even traveled to some really amazing places like Angkor Wat and Machu Picchu. I wonder if you would have been bitten by the travel bug too.  On paper, I’ve done all right for myself. It hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve worked hard and done okay – I think you’d be proud.  I’m a bit lost right now on what I want to do with my professional life, but I’m hoping I figure it out with some time and patience. But as I’m sure you remember, I’m not the most patient of people!

Did you know that our Aunt and Uncle adopted two of the cutest girls in the world? We both loved spending time with them and there boys, so I just know you would have loved the little girls as much as I do. I guess they aren’t so little any more, but you would still have loved watching them grow and helping them learn there ABC’s. I just imagine that you would have begged mom and dad to fly you down to visit in the summers so that you could have spent your days babysitting and playing with them. I think everyone knew just how amazing you were with kids, so this wouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone.

Did you know the day that I was officially older then you, the day that I had lived a longer life then my older sister, was one of the hardest days of my life. So was my 28th birthday which marked half my life with you and mom and half my life without you and mom.  It is so weird to think that I have lived more of my life without you then I did with you.  It’s very strange indeed.  I’m still dreading the day I outlive mom, although truth be told, I kinda hope to reach that day because life is generally pretty good and I’d like to live beyond the young age of 43.

20141106 - With Love Always, Your Little SisterOh, and do you know that I met and married the most amazing man? I think you’d really like him – he’s kind, he’s intelligent, he’s pretty cute, he loves me so much and he makes me smile every single day. I wish so much you could have been there at our wedding – it was a beautiful evening outdoor ceremony on a cool winter day in the Rocky Mountains – you would have loved it. You were always meant to be my maid of honor, but since you couldn’t be there one of my friends did a good job standing in for you.  I longed to have you there with me. Our brother gave a nice toast, and our Dad held it together pretty well too!  Dad and I danced to the song Holes in the Floor of Heaven by Steve Wariner. somehow I couldn’t think of a better song.  Oh, and did I mention our wedding was on the same day as your birthday? We toasted to what would have been your 30th birthday and to you and mom for all that you were and still are.

Did you know that our older brother is married to a nice lady and they have a couple of little boys?  I hope now that he’s a Dad, karma gets even with him for all the times he teased and bugged us!  My husband and I don’t have any living kids yet, but I still hope one day we will have a family of our own.  With kids that will know the love we did from our parents.  I would love to much for my children to one day share the same type of relationship you and I shared.

Most of all, I hope you know that not a day goes by where I do not miss you. Not a day goes by where I do not think of you.

Some days I get angry that you and mom are gone.  Some days I feel a bit sorry for myself that I’m the girl who lost her mom and sister in a car accident at 14 years old.  And some days, I get really angry at the guy who wasn’t paying enough attention and missed a stop-sign.  But honestly, I try not to hold onto these emotions, because no good will come of anger. I know it was not a malicious act that took your lives, and for that I am grateful.  Knowing this is part of why I’ve been able to move away from the anger and live a life centered around happiness.

So instead I focus on the happy moments, and I remember all the good times.  Like dancing with you to Bob Seger’s Old Time Rock and Roll – do you remember our routine? Or singing together to Deana Carter’s Strawberry Wine. Or riding our bikes together to go swimming on hot summer days. Or playing at Grandpa’s cottage together. Or pretending the floor was lava and we could only touch furniture – I will never understand how that game provided us with countless hours of entertainment.  Or the hours we spent together making friendship bracelets and painting our toenails.  Or even that time we spent Easter with our aunt and uncle and helped all the little kids at the giant Easter egg hunt in their back yard.  Oh, we had so much fun as children and young teenagers!  I often wonder what our lives would be like if you were still here.

While I’m sure we fought, like all children do, I don’t seem to have vivid memories of our arguments. Except maybe that time I hit you with my skate guard or that time I wrote my name in all your books.  But I am pretty sure I only remember those things because I remember how much trouble I got in! I think Mom and Dad were madder at me then you were! You had a gift in that you never seemed to get angry and you always knew how to forgive and love – I strive to live with these qualities that you shared with the world.  By the way, I never got the chance to really apologize for all my annoying little sister things – I’m sorry about each and every time I annoyed you.  I’m Sorry I wasn’t always a better little sister.  I so hope you know that, and I wish I could have told you that in person so many years ago.

But you know what, more than anything, I’m just thankful for the time we did share.  We had so many good times together. I’m thankful we were so close in age that I saw you as one of my best friends, and not just an annoying sibling who I had to tolerate. I’m thankful you were such a tremendous impact on my formative years – I would not be the person I am today, if it were not for you. Honestly, I’m just so thankful that you were and still are my sister and my forever best friend.

With love always.

Your Little Sister

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43 Comments on “With Love Always, Your Little Sister

  1. Ok, tears are streaming down my face right now. I believe that she does know all that. And I believe that your Mom and Sister are taking care of each of your 5 little ones. I believe they were with you on your wedding day too. I love this letter you wrote to your Sister. Reminds me that maybe I need to write some letters to mine so they know how much I love and appreciate them. Sending you so much love and lots of hugs!!!

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words and love. I sure do hope they are all together somewhere. 🙂
      Absolutely go write some letters or the phone to let people know just how much you love them! If nothing else, your love will make them feel special and that’s never a bad thing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry for the loss you went through that still haunts. I lost 2 little brothers and separate times…separate freak accidents. This brought so many tears. I think they are watching over us… (((hugs)))

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  3. Such a beautiful letter. I’m 100% positive that your sister was there with you while you were writing this, and that she’s watching over you and your family every day. It’s funny, as I read this, so many of your childhood memories remind me SO MUCH of me and my sister, we did so many of the same things! I’m sure she’s taking care of your little babies up there, with your mom, and they all check in to see how you’re doing daily. *hugs*

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    • I love that you can relate to the childhood memories with your sister! Each and every memory is just so special, and I am so incredibly thankful I had her with me long enough to form such great memories!
      And thank you so much for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This is hard to read and yet so amazingly beautiful and tender. I love that you wrote her this letter. And I have no doubt that she knows all of those things and more.

    Did you ever read The Lovely Bones? I like to think about our loved ones being released from having to watch over us to a place where they can come and check in and know we are okay as that book suggests (in much more sinister circumstances but I’m only referring to the afterlife observation aspect in it).

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    • I read part of Lovely Bones, and then I lost the book during one of our moves and I never found it or bought it again. (I’ve only ever not finished 3 books, and this is one of them).
      You raise such an interesting idea about checking in. I’ve thought about this many times in my life. As a teenager I took the approach that if a heaven exists, where I firmly believe you would be in a state of happiness and calm, then there is no-way they were able to “watch over” me, because I adamantly felt that neither of them would have been happy to see me and everyone else suffering without them. And, as a teenager I also thought it would be creepy to have dead people watching over me all the time – clearly I watched too many bad movies. I actually used to take a lot of offense to people suggesting that they were watching. Now, as an adult, I would love to believe that it is something like what you describe. I have no idea, but I’d like to hope that they have some way of knowing. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I can only speak to this from my own experience. I lost my mom as an adult many years ago but only in the past year have I felt her presence. I know she has been nearby lately. I don’t know that means she is watching over me but she is present though not 24/7. More like checking in and standing by. I hope that something similar is true for your mom and sister, too.

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  5. An enormous hug from NYC. From this letter I feel like I “get” you more and can imagine the kind of sister relationship/bond you two must have had. I have no doubt you were an incredible little sister.

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    • Thank you so much for your kindness and love. You are right, we had a pretty amazing bond, and I like to think we still do even though it is clearly pretty different! 🙂

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  6. Absolutely beautiful hon. My heart aches reading it and the tears won’t stop flowing. Having just seen my Mom off at the airport earlier this week with the promise to see her in December, I just can’t even think of what my life would be like without her. And to have lost both your Mom and your sister at such a young age, is just unimaginable to me. I have no doubt that your sister knows everything. Like what SpiritBabyComeHome said, I too like to think that our loved ones are happy and enjoying peace and happiness in Heaven, but they still check in on us from time to time. Sending you a huge warm hug and so much love. ❤

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    • Thank you so much for your loving words! I do hope they can check in and see the happy moments.
      I am grateful you have the ability to enjoy your mom’s visits and that you love her so much! Just think, how time will fly by the time you see her again in December! December is going to be a exciting and busy month for your family! 🙂

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      • I know! We were so sad to say goodbye, but you’re right, Dec will be here before we know it!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. This is a beautiful letter. I didn’t know you lost your little sis and I’m so sorry. I’m crying at work. Thank you to sharing this. I have a little sister and there’s no relationship like it in the world. I is very special. I’m glad your sister lives on in your heart. Sending a hug.

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  8. I love this so much! I just started following your blog, so I didn’t know about your mom and sister. I am so sorry that happened–I can’t imagine how you made it through that. You must be one kick-ass strong woman! Hugs to you.

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    • Thanks for finding and following me! I’m so excited to follow you as well as you navigate life with your little girl and without your mom at your side.
      I’m still not sure how I made it through the loss of my mom and sister, I do know it significantly changed me! I’m not so sure if it’s strength or just determination to keep living and enjoying life? Maybe a bit of both?

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  9. I hadn’t read yet about this time in your life. I’m so sorry that you had to experience such a tremendous loss at such a young age. I can’t imagine outliving my older sister… That would be tough to grasp.

    Beautiful letter from one lovely girl to another. Hugs!

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