I felt the need to write a note, and explain my absence.
I took a step away after I wrote my last post, because I needed to focus on life for a little while.
But, now my absence has been extended. And truthfully, I’m not sure how long it will be extended for.
You see, someone left me a comment, claiming that my blog is not anonymous and giving me private details which I have never shared on my blog. They also shared details about another anonymous blogger with me. (I let this blogger know, but will not publicly identify them here, so if you haven’t heard for me, don’t worry, it’s not you).
While, this person claims they aren’t telling me this to be creepy, I can assure you, it has been very creepy and very upsetting. That said, I’m no fool, I know blogging anonymously has this risk and I also know all digital technology leaves a footprint. But I also know the effort that is required to get the information they had is suspicious, and very likely not available to the average person.
I’ve notified WordPress. WordPress believes it’s someone I know who has pieced together who I am, and is essentially screwing with me. I don’t buy it and I have my own theories because while I may not be tech savvy, thankfully I know people who are.
But regardless of who this person is, or why they have chosen to share this info with me, or if they intend to try to use it against me in some way shape or form, what it has shown me is that WordPress’ security is not as secure as I thought. Clearly, my cloak of invisibility is no longer working.
The reality is, even while I may be okay with laying my heart and soul out to the world and having people discover who I am, the fact is, I am not okay with turning Little MPB into an adoption poster-child or even sharing his life with the world. I believe those are decisions he can make one day, when he’s old enough. And then there is also the basic safety concern that comes along with this, and basic safety very likely trumps everything.
So, what does this mean for My Perfect Breakdown going forward?
I truthfully do not know right now.
I may not continue blogging. It’s not that simple for me to share my heart and soul if I’m censoring what I share. And if I have to censor myself, then it’s no longer the blog I want it to be. Hiding the vulnerable parts of life, is like hiding what’s real. And, I’m not about to become one of those blogs that pretends life is perfect. And I sure as heck cannot turn my blog into some sort of crafty, cooking mommy blog, because I am so not crafty and my cooking skills are seriously lacking.
I will admit, I am also seriously considering the possibility of deleting my blog. I have already deleted photos that I felt were possibly too identifying. And, I’ve removed a few posts which were too identifying. But, as I think about my son, that may not be enough and I may remove the entire blog. Which of course, removes part of the authentic nature of my blog. But, needless to say, I realize this may be the end of My Perfect Breakdown.
I’m not prepared to make any decisions today, as leaving this community is not something I had even thought about until just the other day.
Needless to say, I have a lot to think about.
I promise I will let you know what I decide, when I decide.
After recently reading a good friends honest truth, I decided I need to share mine.
I’m not seeing happiness in things I normally do. I’m not enjoying the simple things in life. I’m not feeling, the way I normally do.
Now, I’m not saying my life is horrible, I know it’s now. But, I’m just not feeling ‘right.’
I’m exhausted. I’m not at all physically active these days, and have basically no desire to even try.
I am obviously struggling with our dog. I never thought I could feel about a dog the way I currently feel about Doodle MPB.
I know, I work too much. I truly know this, but I also cannot seem to say no to more work.
I have no time for me. Friends? Me time? Self-care? What are those things?
I’m emotionally drained, which I guess is probably pretty normal after the visit we had a few weeks ago. But, it’s still hard.
I feel like I’m not a good enough mom, wife, employee or person.
Life is hard sometimes.
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