Mother’s Day

There is one thing that will always cause me to pause on Mother’s Day:

I am a mother because another mother chose me to raise her child.

That fact, plain and simple, will never be lost on me.

I will savor every day with Little MPB, because he fills my heart and soul in a way I never knew possible. But I also have to acknowledge that I will savor every day with him because I know how fortunate I am to be able to. I will always be grateful that she chose me (and Mr. MPB).

And while I will spend today with Little MPB, his birth mother will not. While we go through the monotony of daily toddler life, she will not. And, while we create and experience happy family moments, she will not. We do send emails and share photos and we hope to visit soon, but it’s just not the same. So, while I have mixed emotions around Mother’s Day due to my own family history, I cannot overlook the fact that another mother out there is without her child today (and everyday), while I snuggle and play with him day in and day out.

I cannot take away the pain or hurt that I assume she must experience. But I also cannot ignore it.

I cannot ever imagine the heartbreak that goes along with not seeing your child everyday and to only see snippets of life in photos. And, I can only assume that this heartbreak is even more prevalent on days like Mother’s Day. And so, on Mother’s Day while I am being acknowledged as a mother, I also have to acknowledge my son’s birth mom. She is the women who chose to place her child with me (and Mr. MPB). The women who made me a mother. The women who made my dreams come true.

And so today, as I spend time with my family, I will hold her in my heart and forever be thankful for allowing me to raise our son.

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Mixed Emotions

Mother’s Day, like father’s day and valentines day, etc. are all what I like to call “Hallmark” made-up days.. Yes, they are fun excuse to tell people we love them, but I also am a firm believer that we should be telling and showing people our love on a regular/daily basis.

And for me, I have to admit, I almost don’t like Mother’s Day. Truthfully, it just brings up so many emotions for me that it’s not a blissfully happy day in my world.

Yes, I am beyond thankful that Little MPB made me a mom. Absolutely, completely beyond thankful. As in, I cannot even for a second imagine not being his mom. He seriously has completed our family in a way I almost never thought would be possible. And so this Mother’s Day, just like the last few, we will spend the day as a family, and Mr. MPB and I will both soak-up all the happiness and wonder that Little MPB brings to our lives. And yes, knowing how close I was to never becoming a mother to a living child, I will hold him a little extra tight and thank my lucky stars for him. (Truthfully, I thank my lucky stars every single day for him and I hug him tighter then he’d prefer most days).

But the truth is, Mother’s Day is just another reminder that I do not have a mother in my life anymore and I never will. It’s been over 20 years since I last talked to my mom or had a hug from her. And, yet, after all this time, the little girl in me still just misses her mom.

And, Mother’s Day also reminds me that of the experiences and grief that came along with loosing multiple babies before they were able to take their first breaths.

And, even more, Mother’s Day reminds me of all the years I dreamed of becoming a mother, the years I wished to have a living baby in my arms. The years we hid from society just to avoid the day. The years no-one acknowledged our lost babies and our breaking hearts, and the fact that no-ones still acknowledges our lost babies. My heart breaks for all of those who know these feelings and for those who are still waiting and for those who cannot hold their children. So this weekend, I want to send my love to all mothers, but especially to those mother’s who will be overlooked again this year.

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