I don’t even know where to start.

Remember that couple who hurt us more then I think anyone ever has with their devastatingly insensitive first pregnancy announcement?  Followed by the ultrasound photo as an announcement for their second pregnancy? Well, as expected, their second baby has just arrived.

As an aside, I wonder, will I ever be excited for fertile people who have babies?  Yes, I looked at the baby photos the excited parents send (as I always do whenever any baby arrives) and I send the appropriate excited message back, but I just feel so incredibly detached (unlike for infertile people who manage to get pregnant and have baby, I’m always thrilled for them).  Is that part of me just dead now?  I hate infertility and loss for what it has done to me.  I hate it. I just F&!@ hate it!  

Anyways, on to the point…

They chose a lovely name for their little girl.  So lovely that it makes me want to puke.  Literally.  The first name is the name we’ve been saving for if we ever have a girl.  And, the middle name, it’s the name of the baby we terminated.

This couple knows most of our loss story, including our termination.  But, they did not know either of these names, and neither of them are exceptionally popular names.  I fully acknowledge that this is pure random chance.

Yet, I cannot stop crying.  And, I’ll admit I’m rather ashamed of my reaction.  I feel like I should just be over this by now.  Honestly, I know we are probably never going to have another child, let alone a baby girl.  So, I know we’ll probably never be able to use that first name anyways.  I rationally get this.  Emotionally, we’ll that’s another story.  I’m devastated to know that we will never be able to use that name if we are fortunate enough to ever find our way to a living baby girl.

And the middle name, we’ll I’m beyond gutted.  Of our 5 babies that we lost way too early, we only named one of them.  And, it’s also the little girl that I had to terminate at an abortion clinic.  This is with me every single day of my life, and always will be.  Yes, we lost 5 babies, but she was different, as we chose to end her life in an incredibly traumatizing way (albeit, to likely save my life, but that’s not the point).  And now, there’s a little girl who is part of my family who carries her name.  How am I supposed to look at this brand new baby and not see what we lost and we could have had?

I’m literally sitting here with crocodile tears rolling down my cheeks.  Once again, I’m sitting in the quiet of my home, licking my wounds.  I’m just devastated.

But I am also very angry.  I’m angry that I lost 5 babies, who never got real names.  I’m angry for what we had to live through. I’m angry that our lost babies are basically forgotten by everyone now that Little MPB is in our lives (for the record, I love Little MPB more then anything/anyone in the world, but adoption does not magically cure infertility and/or past loss).  And, I’m angry I was forced to terminate for medical reasons at an abortion clinic.

This is all so unfair.

I guess the silver lining in all of this, is that at least I have a friend who gets it and she knows just what to say (sorry for the swearing, but it’s just one of those days):

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On our Iceland trip itinerary included 8 nights of camping in a rental campervan, with 1 AirBnB rental scheduled for the middle of our camping trip to give us the ability to do laundry and 2 nights in an AirBnB rental in Reykjavik at the end of the trip.

Family friendly rentals seemed like a really good idea to us.  We figured an apartment would give us space to cook, but also space to relax in the evening once Little MPB went to bed.

Midnight View From Our Apartment

The first place we rented was really great*.  It was clearly set up to be a full-time rental property, which was just fine with us.  It had 2 bedrooms, 1 bath and a full kitchen.  More then enough space for us.  It was rather new and simply decorated, and met all our needs.  Our biggest struggle was keeping Little MPB out of the mini-fridge – evidently he thought a mini-fridge was the best toy he’d ever encountered.  Which was rather cute and made me realize we probably should get him a kids kitchen to play with at home.  Also, to our surprise they had a pack’n’play waiting for us when we arrived.  This was the only night on our entire trip that Little MPB slept in his own space – it was a dream come true!  We even met the gentlemen who rented us the apartment and he was very nice.  The only downfall of this place was that we booked it solely for doing laundry halfway through our trip.  I understood from the website that it the laundry was in the room.  In fact, I even asked before we booked to confirm that we would have access to laundry while we were there.  Much to my surprise it turned out that laundry was shared with the neighbouring apartment.  And unfortunately the neighbouring apartment arrived first and used the washer and dryer straight until after 11pm.  At this point, travelling with a toddler, laundry was a basic necessity for us.  So, this meant I stayed up almost all night doing laundry (Mr. MPB was the driving, so he needed his sleep, and I didn’t dare set an alarm clock to wake me up each time a load would be done for fear that the alarm would wake up Little MPB).  So the first night we had space and a real bed to sleep in, I basically pulled an all-nighter.  Which combined with all of Little MPB’s sleep troubles so far on the trip, was beyond frustrating.  I have to say, asides from the badluck with the laundry, this apartment was great.  I’d absolutely recommend this place to others travelling through Akureyri.

Upon Arrival in Reykjavik – The MPB’s Don’t Travel Light!

The second apartment rental* was for 2 nights in Reykjavik at the end of our trip.  This apartment was beautiful, and a 2 minute walk to everything – it was perfect by all of my previous travel standards. It was a 1 bedroom place, but it was very spacious.  The pictures made it look perfect, and upon arrival it looked exactly like the pictures.  We were really happy with our choice the second we walked in.  However, within about 2 minutes of arriving we discovered the problem – it was so not baby proofed.  I didn’t even think of this when I booked the rental, and looking back at the pictures of the rental I should have clued into this problem. The apartment was beautifully decorated, but many things were easily reachable and therefore breakable for Little MPB.  We promptly moved all the low and breakable decorations to the kitchen counter.  And, once we moved the breakable things, it worked well for us.  I’d highly recommend this rental to any adults visiting Reykjavik.

So, the lessons about Apartment rentals are:

  • I still think the AirBnB apartment rental was the best approach.  Hotels are freakishly expensive in Iceland, and sitting quietly on a hotel bed hoping Little MPB would fall asleep just wouldn’t have been as comfortable for the Adult MPBs.
  • With a toddler under the age of 18 months, the biggest thing I’d pay closer attention to in the future is the decorations of the rental.  When travelling with a toddler, minimal/simple decorations are best.
  • I’d also ask about the availability of a pack’n’play and a high chair.  Given Little MPB’s refusal to use his peapod, the surprise pack’n’play made our night.  And, neither of our rentals had high chairs, and that would have made life just slightly easier.

* This is not a sponsored post.  My comments regarding AirBnB and the specific apartments we rented are based solely on our recent experiences.

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