Empty House

Thank you everyone for your kind words of love, we are beyond thankful for all the compassion and understanding we’ve received over the last few days.

As everyone knows, we said goodbye to our amazing dog, which put a rather large cloud over the long weekend.

Instead of a weekend away with some friends, we decided to stay home to keep our depressed selves hidden away from the world.  Yet we very quickly realized our house is way too quite and eerily lonely.  Its like there is a massive void in our house, she’s not at my side when I wake up in the morning or when I go to sleep at night.  She’s not pawing at us asking for pets or belly rubs.  The house is just silent.  Everything feels still without her.

Our conversations have been filled with things we’ll never get to do again – no more walks at the park, no more running with the worlds worst runner (and we now realize she was probably a horrible runner because her heart was so tiny), no more pee breaks right before bed, no more dog vacuum after Little MPB meal times, no more mountain hikes with her leading the way, no more sleepless nights due to her irritable tummy, etc.

We also find ourselves telling each other about our favourite memories with her – our first car ride home with her wrapped in a towel when she was just a little puppy, the way she tilted her head to the side when she heard a funny sound, the way she always vomitted on Mr. MPB (but never me) in his sleeping bag after a night of sleeping in the tent, the way she desperately wanted to catch a bunny on our walks, the way she devoured her favourite snack, the time she stole a whole roast off the counter when she was a puppy, the time she ate a bandage off her paw and puked it up nearly 2 weeks later for Mr. MPB to find, and the way she always came to greet me at the door, but never bothered to get up to greet Mr. MPB when he came home (I offered her treats when I cam home, he did not).  So many happy memories!

Yet, I have found myself unable to sit still.  I found myself starting the process of putting away all of our dogs things – her leashes, food dish, water dish, treat jar, toys and even extra rolls of poop bags have all been put into our storage room.  I’m pretty sure one day we will get another dog, but for now, I needed to put away the reminders of our missing puu-py.  I even threw out the remainder of treats and her food (the bag was already opened so I decided it was unlikely a rescue agency would have taken it, and I honestly don’t have the heart to call our rescue agency and ask because I’ll have to tell them she’s gone).

I left vacuuming for last – she shed constantly (24/7, 365 days a year), so there is copious amounts of fur throughout our house, and somehow vacuuming the carpet was incredibly hard for me to do – with each passage of the vacuum, I felt like I was erasing her from our lives.  But I needed to do this, otherwise the cleaners would later this week, and that just felt way to impersonal.  I cried the entire time I vacuumed.  And now, a day later, I look around and still see her fur everywhere – I suspect I’ll continue finding her furballs for months to come, which I’m sure will result in spontaneous tears (as I’m sure other unexpected reminders will as well).

I honestly had no idea how hard it would be to say goodbye to her.  She truly was our first child, and yet also my very best friend.

My heart is so incredibly heavy.  I wonder, how long will it hurt like this?

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26 Comments on “Empty House

  1. It is so hard. We lost our dog suddenly nearly 5 years ago and I still get teary thinking about him. The worst was running into friends we hadn’t seen for awhile who would immediately ask how he was. It was heart breaking each time. I’m so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you understand this loss. And, I hadn’t even thought about running into friends who we haven’t told yet. Your right, they will ask about her because they always do.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am very sorry for your loss. I understand your pain as I have been through that recently myself. I lost my dog back in February and I can say it will get a little bit better with time. I know it doesn’t seem like that now but it will my friend. Do whatever you need to at this time to comfort yourself in this loss. It took me time before I could even look at pictures but when I could I made a giant collage and hung that up for a memorial you could say. Do whatever it is that helps you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. To answer your question of how long your heart hurts like that, I felt a deep, profound, overwhelming sadness for 2-3 weeks. After that, I started to lighten a little bit. Things I did that helped were putting my dog’s tag onto my keychain so I could see and feel it frequently, looking at lots of pictures of her being happy, being near people who loved her or at least understood the profound loss of a pet, and talking about her.

    It’s hard. It’s really, really hard. It does get easier with time, but you’ll always miss and love her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Caitlin. I know you are right, at some point this deep, profound, overwhelming sadness will lighten up. But gosh, it’s so hard right now, I just miss her so much. I really like your suggestion of putting her tag somewhere special – we’ve always had her first color hanging on our fire mantel, and I’ve now added her last color with her tag to the same nail so we will always have a little reminder of her in our home. And yes, being around other people who love dogs like we do has been a huge help.

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  4. So sorry for your loss. I’ve lost many pets who are children over the years. It never gets easier, but the lives and experiences you have with them always make it worth the pain.

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  5. Such a huge loss and so hard to read let alone live through. I hope the pain slowly ebbs more into memories that make you smile as time passes. Hugs.

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  6. I’m really sorry for the loss of your sweet dog. The hurt from them leaving never stops, but it becomes easier to bear over time. Your heart will always hurt at the thought of her and every memory triggered. I know it doesn’t sound promising, but you can feel better knowing that with the hurting heart connected to the memory, a smile will also come because you had those memories with her. I had a dear friend make me a tag for my keychain that had our dog’s name on it and the year he passed away. It’s been four years and that tag is still on my keychain and, unless it breaks, it’s never coming off. My brother also gifted us a beautiful photo that he took of Solo (our dog) and he had it printed on a canvas which now hangs proudly in our house by the front door where he would always go bonkers when it was time to go for a walk. In time, when it all isn’t so fresh, you will figure out how you and your family wants to commemorate her life with you. You will find something that feels just perfect.

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  7. Oh man. I can’t even imagine how hard the first few days, weeks, and months will be without her. The imagery of the vacuuming really got to me and I can totally see where that would be very difficult. I’m wondering about your question “how long will I feel this way?” I hope with each passing day the sadness continues to turn into happy memories about her and the joy she brought you all.

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  8. I am so very sorry for your loss. Our guy was also a massive shedder. He passed in March and I am still finding his hair all around – inside an old sweater that has been clean and in the closet for months, little tufts of fur that after several washings of sheets and blankets, decide to appear when I pull back the covers in bed, tumbleweeds in random corners and cracks that I know have been swept time and again. The first several times were tough, and there were tears. Five months later, and them becoming more sporadic, is almost a strange comfort, like he’s still around. I’m at the point that I think it’ll now be harder to not see them around than to see them, as it will mean he’s really gone for good. I agree the first cleaning was hard, as well as putting away some of his belongings. Take your time and grieve. Just like when we lose people, it can come in waves sometimes.

    Although a bit backwards, volunteering at our local animal shelter (which I did do even when he was around) was therapeutic. The first time I went after he passed, I sat in my car in the parking lot for quite a while not sure I could make it through the doors. But I went and did my service, in part in a way to honor him. I also am fostering a dog (again). She certainly is not a replacement, but gives us an opportunity to save a life, and get the sound of paws back in our home, without the forever commitment I am not yet ready to make. I will say, the first time she came in with muddy paws, I had a total breakdown and blubbered to a dog who didn’t know my Riggs, about how much I missed him. So yes, it comes in waves.

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  9. Oh my heart breaks for you. I cried as I read your last two posts, as it was such a familiar feeling for me. Animals instinctively hide their pain, as they do not want to appear weak to their predators. That means that frequently by the time we can detect that they are ill, it is already too late. It happened to me with a cat that was only 18 months old. She got sick suddenly and within a few days I had to put her down. it was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but she had an illness that was incurable and I could not allow her to suffer any more.
    I am so sorry for your loss. Our pets really are our first children, and they leave such a hole in our hearts when they leavel I did the same thing, as I walked through the house and found clumps of fir, I cried for months afterward, every time I saw a reminder. You just have to know that you gave your puu-py the best life ever and she was very lucky to have you, and you should never question your decision to let her go, it was the right decision. Hugs to you and your family.

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  10. I still feel so horrible for what you’ve been going through. We lost Tigger and Cole within weeks of each other, and I was pregnant, so I felt it for a long time. I will tell you though, that I still have days now, over a year later, where I cry for Cole. He was my absolute best friend for so long, he was with me through relocating to a new state, and a breakup with my fiance, and bad roommates, and our miscarriage, and lots of good times too. It’s hard. It sucks. Part of your heart is gone. And I know that’s not probably what you wanted to hear, but I’m just being real. It does eventually get easier, and the pain does dull a bit. But I don’t think it ever fully goes away. Thinking of you and sending love.

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  11. My childhood dog shed constantly as well. My mother vacuumed constantly to keep up with it. When she passed (also fast and unexpected), my mother didn’t vacuum for weeks.

    I’m glad you’re sharing the happy, funny, loving memories you had with your sweet girl. Thinking of you.

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  12. I feel so awful for you. Furbabies really are our children. They are family. I am so sorry. I think you are doing the best you can. I think you are doing better than I would be to be honest. Our dogs (and now cats) shed constantly too, so many times I have rolled my eyes as I bring out the vacuum once again because I have come home to a new layer of fur. Promise I won’t roll my eyes anymore!
    Huge hugs and love to you!!! xx

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  13. I wasn’t sure what to say until I read the last part. How long does this last? 10 years ago we had to put down my 17 year old black lab mix a month before I got married, and everytime I hear of someone else having to go through the same difficult thing I still cry about my dog and for the other person’s loss too. I miss Lady so much still after all of these years! It’s hard and I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now.

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  14. It is so difficult to lose a beloved pet. I remember losing my dog and my kitty. The pain lessens with time but I still tear up with the memories. They continue on in our hearts. Sending love.

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  15. I’m so sad for you. And the fur… That got me. I remember when my cat died I found a furball of hers and I put it in a plastic bag. We buried her lying on her favourite cushion in the garden. I dread to think of Dog dying… I can’t even imagine that. I’m thinking of you and sending you love. Xx

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  16. I struggled with the loss of our cat, Lily, for months. It was very hard, and I still cry for her whenever someone loses their own pet, and it’s been 3 years.

    I kept some of Lily’s fur in a Ziploc baggie and I still reach in and pet it sometimes. I felt like you did, like I was erasing her by cleaning up her fur… So I kept a clump of it and I’ll never throw it out. I’ll do the same thing with Jackson before he goes (which is quickly approaching).

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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