So, I got an email that lead my heart to skip a beat and almost literally jump out of my chest.
Not many things cause me such a reaction.
This email caught my eye immediately as it was from someone at one of our adoption agencies that I’ve never heard of before. The subject line consisted of one simple word – Adoption.
Honestly, I had a lump in my throat seeing the email on my screen.
And then, I swept into action as I scrambled to open an email quicker then I ever have before (which is almost comical as I had my cell phone, my tablet and my computer all within a few inches of me when I saw the email notification flash on my screen, and I had this awkward moment of not knowing which devise would be the quickest to open and read).
My brain was racing quicker then my little fingers could move. I had thoughts of an immediate placement and a baby waiting for us, a scramble to meet with doctors and review reports, a chaotic rush to book flights and meet our baby. The image of our child entered my mind (which interestingly is the first time I’ve had a real picture of our actual baby in my mind as its a bit hard to picture a child whose genetics you don’t know anything about).
Excitement, hope and fear were racing through my veins.
My mind was racing a million miles a second.
Hoping for a match.
Hoping for a placement.
Hoping for our child.
While my mind raced in a moment of unlimited possibilities, my eyes scanned the email.
As I read, my mind began to digest the fact that there was no news of a match or an imminent placement.
My heart sank. It was as if I could the lump in my throat dissolve the further I read.
The email, actually had nothing to do with us. It was simply providing an annual update from the agency regarding all their current activities.
Today was not our day.
In the end, in a matter of mere second, this innocent email that got my hopes higher then they ever have been and brought me crashing back down just as quickly.
And now I am sitting here thinking about how hard the wait really is. I feel as though with each passing week I am getting more and more restless.
In the end, this email was simply a reminder of how brutal the adoption wait can be.
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I lead a lifestyle that is very much one of all or nothing.
I am either all in, or all out.
I struggle with anything less then my best.
I do not believe in half-assing it.
I don’t hang out in shades of gray.
This has always been my personality. I can trace it back to something as simple as my room when I was a small child – it was either disastrously messy or perfectly clean. Never anywhere in between.
And so, here I am, after quitting my high stress job, taking a year of my life to work through multiple pregnancy losses and learn to live a more balanced life. And what do I have to show for it?
Well, evidently for me, some things just don’t change!
Now that I’m working again, it has become obvious to me. One thing I forgot to work on was my all or nothing approach to life. I went from 150% at work to 0%. And as much as I promised myself I’d only be working part time, I’m right back at 150%.
A few weeks ago I put in over 30 hours in the span of 2 days, and definitely over 50 hours that week. Then I dropped to less then 10 hours a week for a few weeks. And now, I’m staring down at another 60+ hour work week. I feel a bit like a ping pong ball getting hit back and forth, never quite sure where I am going next or when the game is going to end.
And to make matters worse, I feel like I’m behind right now. Last week, I had work to do and I didn’t do it. Instead, I did nothing. Or maybe, I really should just say that I procrastinated and I breathed. Which of course, now results in feelings of being overwhelmed.
Really, it’s just not an ideal place to be.
And, I honestly, don’t know how this keeps happening.
- First, I don’t understand how I have so much work. I’m not looking for the work, it just keeps showing up. The economy isn’t great, so why is it that I just keep getting work?! (Sure there’s probably a compliment in there somewhere about people choosing to want me, but that’s not the point right now).
- Second, I’ve even tried saying no, and yet I seem to just be getting more and more work. I have no idea how it keeps happening and I’m honestly not sure what to do about it. Because clearly I don’t know how, how does one say no effectively?
- Third, I don’t understand why I am not using my time more appropriately. I had a few weeks of down time where I could have gotten ahead on some projects and I didn’t. Instead, I chose to buy some baby stuff, deal with a frustrating cell phone provider, buy some groceries and even make some home cooked meals. These are all very valid things to do, particularly since I’m only supposed to be working part time, but realistically due to my backlog of work I simply don’t have the time right now to procrastinate.
I’m tired. I don’t know how I cannot get some of this stuff straight.
I’m frustrated that after over a year of learning to live better, I still don’t have it down right.
I’m sick of feeling like I’m just moving from one mess to another, cleaning up other people’s messes. As someone very wise said to me recently, I’ve been hired to make chicken salad from chicken shit.
I’m exhausted of feeling like I’m constantly going one thousand miles a minute. I swear, if you saw me, half the time I’d look like a deer in headlights because it seems no matter what I do, a new crisis is thrown my way.
And, if I’m being honest, the biggest problem isn’t that I don’t love what I am doing. Rather, it’s that I am sick of doing it. Honestly, I just don’t want to be doing any of this. I don’t want to be working full time to pay for an expensive international adoption, and I don’t want to be shopping online to fill our nursery.
Rather, I want our nursery full with life. I want to be awake in the middle of the night feeding our child, and singing off-key lullabies and I even want to be crying because I’m so exhausted from raising our baby 24/7.
It’s simply exhausting waiting for something that I want more then I can put words to.
I just want to be a mom already.
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My Perfect Breakdown 