All or Nothing
I lead a lifestyle that is very much one of all or nothing.
I am either all in, or all out.
I struggle with anything less then my best.
I do not believe in half-assing it.
I don’t hang out in shades of gray.
This has always been my personality. I can trace it back to something as simple as my room when I was a small child – it was either disastrously messy or perfectly clean. Never anywhere in between.
Well, evidently for me, some things just don’t change!
Now that I’m working again, it has become obvious to me. One thing I forgot to work on was my all or nothing approach to life. I went from 150% at work to 0%. And as much as I promised myself I’d only be working part time, I’m right back at 150%.
A few weeks ago I put in over 30 hours in the span of 2 days, and definitely over 50 hours that week. Then I dropped to less then 10 hours a week for a few weeks. And now, I’m staring down at another 60+ hour work week. I feel a bit like a ping pong ball getting hit back and forth, never quite sure where I am going next or when the game is going to end.
And to make matters worse, I feel like I’m behind right now. Last week, I had work to do and I didn’t do it. Instead, I did nothing. Or maybe, I really should just say that I procrastinated and I breathed. Which of course, now results in feelings of being overwhelmed.
Really, it’s just not an ideal place to be.
And, I honestly, don’t know how this keeps happening.
- First, I don’t understand how I have so much work. I’m not looking for the work, it just keeps showing up. The economy isn’t great, so why is it that I just keep getting work?! (Sure there’s probably a compliment in there somewhere about people choosing to want me, but that’s not the point right now).
- Second, I’ve even tried saying no, and yet I seem to just be getting more and more work. I have no idea how it keeps happening and I’m honestly not sure what to do about it. Because clearly I don’t know how, how does one say no effectively?
- Third, I don’t understand why I am not using my time more appropriately. I had a few weeks of down time where I could have gotten ahead on some projects and I didn’t. Instead, I chose to buy some baby stuff, deal with a frustrating cell phone provider, buy some groceries and even make some home cooked meals. These are all very valid things to do, particularly since I’m only supposed to be working part time, but realistically due to my backlog of work I simply don’t have the time right now to procrastinate.
I’m tired. I don’t know how I cannot get some of this stuff straight.
I’m frustrated that after over a year of learning to live better, I still don’t have it down right.
I’m sick of feeling like I’m just moving from one mess to another, cleaning up other people’s messes. As someone very wise said to me recently, I’ve been hired to make chicken salad from chicken shit.
I’m exhausted of feeling like I’m constantly going one thousand miles a minute. I swear, if you saw me, half the time I’d look like a deer in headlights because it seems no matter what I do, a new crisis is thrown my way.
And, if I’m being honest, the biggest problem isn’t that I don’t love what I am doing. Rather, it’s that I am sick of doing it. Honestly, I just don’t want to be doing any of this. I don’t want to be working full time to pay for an expensive international adoption, and I don’t want to be shopping online to fill our nursery.
Rather, I want our nursery full with life. I want to be awake in the middle of the night feeding our child, and singing off-key lullabies and I even want to be crying because I’m so exhausted from raising our baby 24/7.
It’s simply exhausting waiting for something that I want more then I can put words to.
I just want to be a mom already.
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