It Was Supposed to Be Us

I have this incredible fear. In fact, I’ve carried it around with me for a few years now. The fear is that Mr. MPB’s younger brother and his wife (whom we adore) will have a baby before us.

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Last night this fear became a reality.

It feels like the world is crashing in on me.

I am devastated for us, when I should be happy for them.

Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat, and burning in my chest.  Many tears have been shed and I am hurting.

I thought it might be easier to hear the news now that we are committed to adopting, but it turns out that doesn’t make me feel any better.

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It was supposed to be us. We were supposed to have the first grandchild. We were supposed to have the family gushing over our pregnancy. We were supposed to have the first baby.  We were supposed to have a baby by now.  Instead, I sit here knowing that it will never be us.

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I hate that people will expect us to be excited for them because we are adopting and everything is now “fixed”. I hate that when all I want to do is cry in Mr. MPB’s arms, I have to feign excitement because they deserve that much from us.  I hate that no-one in our real lives except a very few who wear the curse of infertility understand the emotions we are grappling with.  I hate that we will once again suffer in silence.

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I hate RPL. I hate infertility. I hate all of this.

I hate what it has done to me. I hate that right now I am thinking about my hurt and have tears of sorrow running down my cheeks, when I should be overcome with joy and excitement for them.

I hate this side of me.

I hate that I have not moved beyond these horrid emotions,

I hate that with this news we have also realized that we may never actually fully recover from all of our losses and all our struggles.

I hate that when I hear a pregnancy announcement I fear their baby will die and they will know our pain which is unlike any other.

I hate that my memories of pregnancy are also my version of a living hell.

I hate that my heart is scarred and I still feel so perfectly broken.

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157 Comments on “It Was Supposed to Be Us

  1. “Happy for them, sad for me”…. Is a feeling I was told I felt but the truth is, I wasn’t even happy for them. I was just sad for me. I know it sounds irrational, but I figured ” they” had a world full of people who were happy for them, and that was enough. “they” didn’t need my happiness and I needed my sadness to get through it.

    These are all normal emotions and you know that, but knowing that doesn’t make the guilt of feeling them go away. Hell, the acquaintances who got pregnant before us as we were in the thick of IVF still leave a bad taste in my mouth. They had two more and each of those announcements took me right back to our car, on our way to shop for a new snow blower, when hottie accidentally slipped out that they were pregnant with their first. Years later, hottie shared with me how this guy told him they were pregnant and it was at work, a close group who knew of our struggles in great detail, and he just blurted it out with no consideration for his feelings. I had no idea he was affected by it until years later. This stuff runs deep, and never really goes away 100%. You will always remember how this particular announcement felt, and I bet when they have more (and they will), those announcements may take you right back here for a moment. The moment will be briefer than this, but it very likely will happen.

    I sure wish there was something that could”fix” RPL and infertility. Everyone thinks the cure is a baby, but it just isn’t.

    Big hugs. This was tough to read. I just want to scoop you up and hug you and cry with you.

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    • Thank you for sharing this – I so understand what you mean. I’m trying to be happy for them, I’m trying to force that feeling, but you are right, there are moments when I’m not and instead I am just simply hurting. It is some how very comforting to know that I am not alone in this.
      And, how I wish I could just sit and cry with someone who understands. That is the drawback of the blogging world, but yet I am ever so grateful for the understanding and support you can offer through the virtual world. Thank you.

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    • I am back reading this post today, and reading your words again. And I don’t know if you remember this one, but you were right – “You will always remember how this particular announcement felt, and I bet when they have more (and they will), those announcements may take you right back here for a moment. The moment will be briefer than this, but it very likely will happen.”
      Exactly as you said, they will have another one and I’ll be right back in this spot. And, as you predicted, we are here again, and I’m hurting. The pain isn’t like it was last time, but it’s still here and even though I thought I moved on from this particular announcement, I clearly didn’t.
      Anyways, thank you again for this. This is what I needed to read back then, and what I needed to read again today.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve been thinking about you all afternoon after reading this comment. I do have an update on the couple I referenced in my comment almost two years ago. Brian and I were talking about them the other day because a gal in the show we were watching looked like the wife. I was a bit catty about her and Brian said, “you never got over that whole thing when we were failing at IVF, did you?” I simply answered, “nope.” And then he said…. “neither did I.”

        We do our best to move on and act normal. That’s all we can do. No one needs to know what’s going on in your head except those you choose to tell.

        I am sorry that you’re back here. It makes sense… Almost 2 years. Fertile people are pretty predictable.

        I’m hugging you! ❤

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  2. So so sorry:( it is so incredibly difficult. But you are strong and brave and I hope for you, as much as I do for myself that these experiences will not scar us for life. That what is so painful now, will somehow transform into feelings that can be lived with, and maybe even empower us, if you can survive through this, you may be unstoppable.

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    • Most days I believe you are right – the hardships we are facing today will eventually become things we can live with and use to empower us. Right now, clearly my confidence is shaken, but I do hope you are right. Thank you.

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  3. Hi there. I am sorry you have to feel this pain. You are right – the pain will never go away. We will never be fully done grieving. We have had these announcements on both sides of our families and currently are the only siblings that don’t have at least two kids (a total count of nieces and nephews at 12). I get it. I am sorry. It’s very hard. Life will go on and you will keep doing the best you can in your situation. Hugs!!!

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    • Oh yeah…my brother’s son ended up being born on the one year anniversary of me finding out I lost my son at the doctor’s office. The other pregnancy (another boy) was the year before – less than a week after we lost Adam. Life is cruel!

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      • Oh ya I understand the horible timing – my brother announced that they were expecting the same day we found out one of our babies was dying. And their child was born the same week we found out we were pregnant again and would lose that child as well. You are right, life is cruel.

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      • Agh, so cruel. I am so sorry. One of the hardest things about RPL is we lose babies so often it is hard to avoid everyone else’s special dates. Hugs to you!

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      • You are so right! And yet, as I read your words, I cannot help but think of how sad it is that “we lose babies so often.” No one should ever have to write, think or understand that sentiment.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I am so sorry, MyDaysInLimbo. I hate that you had to say “first miscarriage.” It is so hard to make our pain take a backseat for others, especially when it comes to infringing due dates and important anniversaries. So, extremely hard. I am sure she was thinking of you since it seems you two are close. Take care! Xo

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh honey, I am sorry. I have gone through this so many times. I am the oldest of my siblings. Yet I have had to watch one brother have two boys and not appreciate his beautiful family and the other younger brother have two girls he adores in the time I have been trying to fall pregnant. So I went from supposed to be the first to the 5th grandchild if we get any. On my husbands side we learnt recently that his older brother’s wife is pregnant with twins. She is over 40… it was a total accident… wtf??!!!
    I too am at the point where I have to fake the joy over their baby news when I feel like crying. I usually make it home then lock myself in my room with music and cry my heart out.
    It is not fair. It is (excuse the language) bullsh*#t. We do deserve better.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your understanding. You are right, this is complete bullsh*#t! And I too find that locking myself at home and crying my way through it seems to be the only decent approach.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Okay… don’t tell my nutritionist because I am not supposed to be having these. But on really bad days I make myself feel better by making a super chocolatey, creamy cocktail and sip away thinking they can’t have anything like this for 9-10 months 🙂 It’s stupid and childish I know, but it makes me feel better, plus cocktails… yum 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It isn’t fair, and it is completely understandable that their news should bring you grief. Grief for what you have lost and can never get back. It’s going to be very hard to watch a family member go through a pregnancy. I live in fear of my sister-in-law announcing her first pregnancy because I’ll have to stand up and celebrate with everyone – and our whole family will be expecting us to pass on our baby things because they don’t know we are secretly still trying for a miracle. I’ve already decided I’m going to have to lie about some of it because I can’t pass it all on without feeling like my heart will split in two. Be gentle on yourself and don’t feel guilty. You’re allowed to feel this way. xxx

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    • Thank you for your encouragement and for understanding.
      We lived in fear of their announcement for a while, so part of me is glad that at least we can let go of the anticipation of the announcement. But now we just get to fear the actual birth.
      I’m sorry you are also facing this. And I really do hope you find a way to hold onto your stuff – I don’t think you should give up a single thing until you are ready.

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  7. this struck such a cord with me. I was talking with a friend who experienced years of infertility and the two of us (her with her infertility experience and me with my baby loss) came to the conclusion that it’s not supposed to be a competition, but it is. competition is not the right word, but it is so painful when things are out of order. I was supposed to have a baby first. I was supposed to have a baby! I deserve it. I have even said I deserve it more! which in some sick world is true. These are such messy crummy feelings to live with. they suck. I”m with you on that boat. hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing and understanding – it sounds like you and your friend came to a pretty darn good conclusion! A lot of these emotions are about the fact that it’s out of order and that we wanted what they are getting so easily. It’s hard and it hurts.

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  8. I am so sorry. I don’t think it’s ever possible to get over this. It hurts so much. And this feeling of being a bad person not being able to be happy for others… this hit a nerve with me. I’ve been there, and I still am.

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    • It really is hard to deal with feeling so bad for ourselves that it overshadows our happiness for others – it’s one of the things I hate the most about the last few years of our lives.
      I am sorry you understand, but I really do appreciate knowing that I am not alone in these feelings. Thank you for sharing.

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  13. I relate to this so much 😦 So many women here are supporting you. We will all get through this….some way…some how….we just have to….thinking of you friend…xoxo

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