Feeling Like We Were Just Sucker Punched In the Gut
Could this week get any worse? The answer is YES.
Mr. MPB and I just spoke with our USA adoption agency. We hadn’t touched base in just over a month as we were waiting to get stuff going on the Canadian side. But, we decided to submit our formal application and fee next week just to cross another item off our list, so I thought a phone call was in order.
Here is what we learned in what can only be described as a horrible phone call:
- I spoke with someone different and they have no record of us. Mr. MPB is less concerned about this because we had not paid them yet, and cash talks. He seems to understand that without payment, there is no need for them to have a file on us. While I can understand this, I’m still disappointed that after a few months of constant contact and conversations the person I spoke with today seemed to have no idea who we are. So much for relationship building being a priority.
- As we are adopting internationally we were informed that our child will go from the hospital into cradle care until all our paperwork with Canada is approved – potentially 3-4 weeks. Cradle care is essentially foster care. This is 100% completely contradictory to what we were told a mere month ago. In fact, the notes I wrote from my conversation with the old employee states “unless the birth mother does not agree to waive the 30 day revocation period, you take the child directly from the hospital to your hotel. We are required to stay in California until the paperwork is all done.” My issue here is that I suspect the rules didn’t change in the last few months, so WTF?!! Based on what we were told before, we had made the decision that if the birth mother did not waive the 30 days we would actually walk away from the adoption to protect ourselves from a failed adoption (my heart cannot take another loss) and to prevent our child from spending its first month without us. So, here we are now being told that no-matter what our child will be spending its first few weeks without us, the parents. We will not start forming the all-important attachment bonds as a family immediately. And we will not be their primary care givers during these critical formative days. We should be allowed to visit daily, but that’s it.
- Evidently earlier we were also informed the wrong thing about the revocation period. Today we were told that all birth mothers in California waive their parental rights within a day or two of birth, unless they request a 30 day extension. Up until now we have been under the impression that “birth mothers typically waive the 30 days a day or two after giving birth”. There was no mention of the 30 days only occurring if the birth mother requests it. Our issue here is the fact that once again the rules seem to be changing and I know the legislation has not changed, but wording change is substantial. Should they be able to read the letter of the law and get it right? This is a pretty simple fact to misinterpret.
But here’s the thing, we are now being told different things. In fact, we are being told completely contradictory things. This scares the be-gibers out of me! Now I cannot help but question what else have we been told that is wrong? If they are telling us the wrong thing, what are they telling the much more vulnerable birth mothers? Can we trust what they are telling us? If they do anything illegal, we are then engaged in illegal activities. Simply, Mr. MPB and I will only engage with an ethical agency, and right now we are worried.
Now we are sitting here wondering if we should we start re-considering some of the other agencies that we looked at? We have 5 possible agencies we could choose. 2 we did not like at all and will not adopt from. 2 other ones were closed to outgoing international applicants when we were doing our research, but is it worth checking them out again? We haven’t paid a penny to what we thought was our preferred agency, so if we are going to make a change, now is the time.
And then, the rational side of me says, no system is perfect. I’d rather learn the correct information now, so we can move forward knowing what to actually expect. And, I am trying to be grateful for the fact that we are not in a rush to make a decision on the USA side, we have time to contemplate our next step. And I am confident we will use this time wisely, even if we are immensely frustrated by it.
Needless to say a lot of tears have been shed in the last few hours, and I’m just feeling defeated. I was so excited about the progress occurring on the Canadian side that I feel completely blindsided by this and the resulting nagging doubts. I know this isn’t this end of the world, I know we will survive and we will make the cradle care situation work if we have no choice, but honestly right now I’m just frustrated. Why can’t anything just be straightforward and easy?!
No one ever said adoption is easy. In fact I’m pretty sure I’ve read that adoption is not for the faint of heart. And today, as I’m trying to collect my emotions and process the confusion, I have to concur.
P.S. It’s been a rough few days, and I a still waiting on word to find out just how badly I hurt my ankle yesterday when I slipped in the kitchen – x-ray results are expected in a few hours.
Here’s to hoping next week is a better, because I cannot take much more right now.
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.