It Was Supposed to Be Us

I have this incredible fear. In fact, I’ve carried it around with me for a few years now. The fear is that Mr. MPB’s younger brother and his wife (whom we adore) will have a baby before us.

.

Last night this fear became a reality.

It feels like the world is crashing in on me.

I am devastated for us, when I should be happy for them.

Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat, and burning in my chest.  Many tears have been shed and I am hurting.

I thought it might be easier to hear the news now that we are committed to adopting, but it turns out that doesn’t make me feel any better.

.

It was supposed to be us. We were supposed to have the first grandchild. We were supposed to have the family gushing over our pregnancy. We were supposed to have the first baby.  We were supposed to have a baby by now.  Instead, I sit here knowing that it will never be us.

.

I hate that people will expect us to be excited for them because we are adopting and everything is now “fixed”. I hate that when all I want to do is cry in Mr. MPB’s arms, I have to feign excitement because they deserve that much from us.  I hate that no-one in our real lives except a very few who wear the curse of infertility understand the emotions we are grappling with.  I hate that we will once again suffer in silence.

.

I hate RPL. I hate infertility. I hate all of this.

I hate what it has done to me. I hate that right now I am thinking about my hurt and have tears of sorrow running down my cheeks, when I should be overcome with joy and excitement for them.

I hate this side of me.

I hate that I have not moved beyond these horrid emotions,

I hate that with this news we have also realized that we may never actually fully recover from all of our losses and all our struggles.

I hate that when I hear a pregnancy announcement I fear their baby will die and they will know our pain which is unlike any other.

I hate that my memories of pregnancy are also my version of a living hell.

I hate that my heart is scarred and I still feel so perfectly broken.

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157 Comments on “It Was Supposed to Be Us

  1. Oh girl…you’ve taken the words out of my mouth. I know the hurt in your heart all too well. This past summer I was in your shoes when my much younger brother and his wife of barely 2 years announced their pregnancy. Then, a few weeks later, announced it was twins. It was a nightmare. THEY were living MY dream. It was horrible. I was heartbroken that MY RIGHT as the oldest child to give MY PARENTS their first grandchild was STOLEN from me. That’s how I felt and sometimes I still feel this way. I am trying hard to be excited about my nephews, because I know I will love them. They are due this month. But, I still get an ache in my heart when I think back to hearing the news. I hate all of this, too. It’s so unfair and I wish no one, NO ONE, would ever have to feel this way. I am also so sorry that you can’t count on your family to understand your pain. My family (even extended) knows and understands what we are going through and it helps. My aunts and cousins were right beside me at the baby shower, ready to jump at a moments notice if I had a breakdown. I wish you could have this support system in your “real life” but please don’t feel like you are alone. You have me and many others who are here for you and will listen when you need to vent. Every day, when I pray for myself and for my rainbow baby, I pray for you and all of my IF “sisters” too.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing and for understanding. I am so thrilled your family was supportive of you and your hurt, what a blessing!
      Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone with these feelings. I hope they ease with time, but for now I’m still wallowing.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know you must be. And that’s ok. Allow yourself this time to have these emotions. My mom just texted me to tell me that they are inducing my SIL on the 12th if she doesn’t go into labor before. So now I’m having to face reality in just a week’s time. I’m not ready. But I don’t think I will ever be ready. 😳

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      • I’m glad your mom gave you the heads up via text, but I suspect you are right, you will probably never be ready. I’m sorry you are facing this, and if nothing else know that I am thinking about you and wishing you peace and calm. Love to you.

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  2. I’m so very sorry. Know that this is not ‘a side of YOU’ just of infertility. It hurts so much but that doesn’t make you a bad person, its just the way it is. It will get easier to deal with but for now don’t feel guilty about your pain – you can’t help it xxx

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    • Thank you for this kind reminder that this is infertility not just me. I guess it’s just part of the curse that comes along with infertility and loss. I hope I can move beyond the guilt and these emotions and one day be truly happy for them.

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  3. I’m so sorry, friend. It’s such a tough thing to reconcile the feelings of guilt (for not being super excited for them) and your feelings of loss and unfairness at your infertility. I don’t think that your path to adoption makes this any less painful, as you still LIVED the infertility, and it is a part of your history. I have had fears like this as well, and the anguish of seeing them come alive is a beast that is hard to describe. I’m so sorry. Know that you are not alone in this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your understanding and the reminder that I am not alone in this, even if I feel completely alone right now. You are right, it is so hard to reconcile all the feelings that are going on inside of me right now.

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  4. It’s Never-ending, isn’t it? I’m sorry you are dealing with another crushing blow. Xoxo

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  5. Im so sorry. Please don’t feel bad for feeling this way, so many of us going through this journey understand how difficult this is and understand your pain. Im so so sorry xxx

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  6. I am so sorry you are going through this. I live with that same fear myself, though it hasn’t come to pass yet. It’s ok to be upset over this. I have to keep telling people, it’s nothing against the expecting couple or their baby- it’s that the announcement rips open a wound in me that is deeper than they can imagine. Prayers for you. ❤

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    • I thought I had built up the wall well enough to be prepared for their announcement – we fully expected it for a few months now. Instead, you are right, the announcement ripped open a wound that is deeper then anyone, including me, can ever imagine. Thank you for understanding. Love to you as well.

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  7. Oh man. This really is my biggest fear. Both my brothers have kids but I have a “friend” and if she gets pregnant before us I’ll go over the deep end. It seems like an irrational fear but it’s real to us and you’ve articulated it so well. I’m keeping you in my thoughts. xx

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    • It does seem irrational, eh? As if our lives and struggles should impact another couples plans to have children – it really makes no sense, but yet here we are worrying about it and living it. Maybe that’s part of why it’s so hard – it feels irrational and foreign, so we struggle to accept the emotions? I dunno, maybe.
      Thanks by the way. Love to you as well, and I’m hoping it works for you before your friend. And if it doesn’t, I’ll be here for you.

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  8. I am sorry. I understand. I’ve been there. It sucks–it really, really sucks.

    Please be kind to yourself. Just let yourself feel however you need to feel, with compassion towards yourself. All of these feelings are ok, and I don’t think it means you will never recover from your losses. Yes, I think you will always be sad on some level, but I don’t think pregnancy announcements will hit you this hard forever. I think two things are contributing to how hard this announcement hit you.: 1) It hasn’t been that much time since your losses. It really does take time to heal–a lot of it. As you unfortunately know very well, grieving is a continuous process filled with many steps forward and many steps back. 2) Even though you’re committed to adoption, you don’t have your own baby in your arms yet. I am not saying a baby in your arms will take away the pain of the losses, but it will make it easier to bear.
    And that baby is coming to you. Hopefully very soon.

    I promise this will get easier and there will be a time when family or close friend pregnancy announcements don’t hit you this hard. I promise. In the meantime, please be as kind to yourself as you can.

    I’m with you, sister. These feelings are not easy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for these words of comfort – “Just let yourself feel however you need to feel, with compassion towards yourself. All of these feelings are ok,”
      Grief is such a miserable thing, and so I hope you are right that with time this will get easier, and these emotions will not be so raw and fresh.
      Thank you for standing with me today, and through all of this. Love to you as well.

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  9. I completely understand where you are right now. I’m so sorry. You have every right to grieve the dreams you had. Don’t feel bad about how you feel. Honor those feelings and let them out when you can so they don’t cause more problems later on. Once you have some distance it won’t hurt so bad and when you do have a baby in your arms it will be a salve over these wounds. I went through this myself last year. My husband’s sister who is 9 years younger than he had a baby (the first living grandchild) in September (also just married 2 years) and my stepsister who is 10 years younger that me is having one right now (married 1 year I think). She’s literally in the hospital as I type this. I don’t wish my struggles and losses on anyone but it stings when it’s so easy for others and that when they get pregnant it automatically means they get to have a baby cause we all know that’s not necessarily true, at least not in the 4 times I’ve gotten pregnant. I’ve traded the dream of having the first child in the family to at least having a healthy living child to add to the family. I have an old friend who lost 2 babies late term about 4 years ago and finally last year was able to bring home her baby girl via adoption. I hope that your baby makes it home to you soon as well. Not sure if you’re open to this but there is a wonderful book called Spirit Babies that has some really interesting stuff about adoption. Either way, we here in IF land know your pain and send you love and support.

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    • Thank you so very much for sharing your similar experiences and emotions. And I love your perspective of focusing on the dream for a healthy child rather then the dream of having the first in the family. Also, I love to read, I’ll add the book to my list.
      Again, thank you so very much for your love and support. Sending love right back to you.

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  10. Wow. Thank you for writing the words I can’t. (My siblings and my parents [new grandparents] read my blog.) I feel this pain. You are not alone. ❤

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  11. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. This post made me think about my sister: after having my niece, she had a miscarriage, then an ectopic (before she even knew she was pregnant with that one, it ruptured). I was sad for her, but I never understood what she was going through. Now that I do, my heart hurts that I wasn’t gentler with her or more supportive, but I just didn’t know. I hope your in-laws’ pregnancy goes well, and they don’t have to learn the hurt. I understand you’re being afraid for them…how sad that we think that way. I’m sorry that you’re now ultimately grieving again. I hope that they can understand you not being quite as excited as you “should be”, and that though you are happy, that it hurts you. Hang in there my friend, we’re all here for you. ❤

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    • Thank you so much Amy. I do believe in so many ways our RPL/IF journey has really made me a more compassionate person. In my past, I too would have not been supportive enough of someone personal struggles. Yet, here we are both are learning to be more compassionate. I am sad for your sister, sad for your and sad for me.
      Thank you so much for being here for me. Love to you.

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  12. Oh god, I’m so so sorry! I totally understand this post and my heart breaks for you. I’m seriously in tears. It’s so not fair! Sending big hugs to you and praying for God’s comfort.

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    • You are so right, it’s just not fair! How I wish it were fair, for for you and fair for me. I simply do not understand this struggle we are forced to live.
      Sending you love sweetie, and hoping those embabies are snuggling in for the long haul!

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  13. Don’t beat yourself up for hurting. You’ll be happy for them eventually–just not right now. I’m so sorry. I know it’s just not fair. Sending hugs & love from across the border.

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  14. I am so very sorry love. My heart goes out to you. Youve been through so much you just have to take it day by day. Let your emotions be, it is fine to feel every way you feel. Sending you lots of love and light. xx

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    • You are right, right now I really do have to take it day by day. Today is not a good day, but hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.
      Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, your love and wishes for light.

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  15. I’m so sorry. You are not alone. I was in this situation with my sister’s baby who was born after my losses and while we were on the adoption path. It was one of the hardest things I went through. Thinking of you and your husband.

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    • Thank you so much Mrs T for sharing your experience with these emotions. Someone, another blogger, once said to me that adoption does not cure infertility, and right now I cannot help but realize just how true this is.

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  16. When my SIL told my mom she was pregnant with #3 my mom called to tell me while I was walking into my office. I said “oh cool…. I’m at work, gotta go” hung up and cried hysterically. My boss, who knows about our treatment and if let me sit in her office bleary faced and irrational and just cry it out away from the cube farm. It was exactly what I needed, someone to just pull me aside and say “it’s OK to feel this way. Your feelings aren’t invalid just because other people don’t understand them”

    That’s what I want you to know, it’s OK to have these feelings. nothing to feel guilty about. It’s having to mourn those losses all over again, and don’t let anyone ever tell you it’s not OK to cry for that.

    Lots of love and hugs your way!

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  17. Oh Hon, I am so very sorry! I wish I could take this hurt away from you. I wish you didn’t have to know that pain. Please know, that what you’re feeling is so normal in your circumstances. The pain and loss you have had to endure is way more than one person should have to suffer. Sending you so many hugs, prayers and much love!!!

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  18. This is so hard, and it hits hardest when it happens to people you love. That sounds weird, but it’s true. Because unlike perfect strangers, you don’t want to have bad feelings associated with someone who’s happiness you’re invested in.

    You want to be happy for them, but you can’t because you’re sad for yourself. And then you feel like an ass for feeling sad because you “should” be able to sweep all your feelings away and just be happy. Ah, I know this nasty little trick our hearts play oh so well.

    But just you’re hurting doesn’t mean you can’t also feel happy. One does not have to diminish the other. I’ve found some calm by letting all these emotions hang out together in one place, to hold them both at the same time.

    It’s still hard, but when I stopped trying to justify what I felt, it took some of the sting away.

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    • You so wonderfully articulated so many of my feelings right now. I so wish I could just be happy for them and not focus on how hurt I am. And these emotions make me feel like a pretty horrible person. Yet, I know it’s “normal” to feel this way, but I still dislike the fact that I do.
      You may be right, I may just have to let
      these very contradictory emotions hang together in one plan for the time being.
      Thank you so much for this advice, and your ongoing love and support. I am truly thankful.

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      • Mostly I think we just need to move away from this idea that there are “bad” feelings. I’ve struggled so much with what I should be feeling, instead of just accepting those feelings as they are. I don’t think it makes it hurt any less, but I do think I let go of them and reach equilibrium sooner.

        At the end of the day, its about whatever helps you find peace.

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      • this is such a beautiful comment – you are right, at the end of the day, regardless of the exact situation, it really is about whatever helps us find peace.

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  19. I want to express appreciation for the sharing of your raw and unbridled emotions over this treacherous but all too familiar IF/RPL scenario. I am so sorry you have to go through this, yet at the same time may I be so bold as to say I think posts of this nature are crucially important?

    There is no particular way you “should” be feeling, but I know all too well from experience we WANT so badly to feel happy for others at times like these. It would be easier, among other things. The spontaneous sharing of other’s unadulterated joy is just one more life connection our losses take from us.

    It takes unimaginable bravery to feel these feelings that are not evil but merely a reflection of our tender and fragile humanity, especially amid all of the “happy pressure” out there. But you are doing it anyway.

    Wish I had words of wisdom that could provide comfort or a better way to get through it but all I can really offer is that you’re not alone.

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    • Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in this. As cruel as these feelings are, so many of us on this IF/RPL/Loss journey have been there and/or will be sometime in the future. We are here for each other, and that’s just amazing.
      I am also beyond grateful for your positive and support approach to this post. Sharing these emotions with the world is not an easy thing to do. Feeling this way, when i really want to be happy for them, does result in feelings of shame and to share this means I am also sharing some of my most vulnerable emotions. And I completely agree, that sharing this is good for me, and hopefully for others as well when they may also feel alone and hurting.
      Your words provided me with a tremendous amount of comfort! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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  20. Totally human emotions. When we lost our first pregnancy two years ago, it seemed like every friend announced they were expecting soon after. Of course you’re thrilled for them– but it’s still tough when it was “supposed” to be you.

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    • Thank you so much for understanding and sharing your experience Stacey. It brings me so much comfort to know that I am not alone in all of these emotions washing over me.

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  21. I am so sorry for your pain. Where you stand now is a horrible, horrible place to be xxxxxx. I hope they broke the news to you with understanding..and I really hope everyone around treats you with understanding. What I will give them credit for is having the guts to tell you..I found the worst was being left out of the loop, being a leper – like what I had was catching – all because they didn’t want to upset me. Instead I’d have to guess the reason for the growing waistline. Bring up the subject myself. This news is upsetting in terms they will never know, but I hope they treated you like a human being… xxxxxxxxxx

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    • Thank you so much for your compassion and love. Honestly, they did not break the news to us with any compassion and I honestly expected better from them, which quite possibly makes my hurt even worse. I’m trying to let go of that fact though, because they should be happy and my hurt is not their burden to bear.
      Thank you so much for your compassion and your love. Today is hard, the hurt is fresh, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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  22. I’ve been there so many times. My husband’s brother (who is 6 years younger than him) now has 2 kids, my brother has 1 and my sister is about to have 1. My siblings are 3 years younger than me. In my meltdown on Saturday, I told my husband I was afraid my brother and his wife will have a second before we ever get a first. It gets easier each time they announce, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I think it’s so brave of you to admit that you do not want them to experience the same pain of loss that you have experienced. You can’t erase the fear after all you’ve been through. You can only face it and hopefully move through it. Sending much love to you.

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    • I actually thought of you and your sister last night. I so wish neither of us had to expeirence this (and I also wish one of my wishes would actually come true – but that’s a rant for another day).
      Thank you so much for your compassion and support through all of this. I am so thankful that you understand, and I so hope that things start to go better for you too.

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  23. Oh honey I’m so very sorry your having all these feeling right when things were looking so good for you. I can imagine what your feeling but I’ll never truly understand. My heart goes out to you! Xo

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  24. When you write posts like this, not only does it make me sad for you, but it also makes me care about you even more. Your honesty and your courage for vocalizing what you are feeling should not go without validation. When my sister got pregnant “accidentally” 3 months before we found out we were pregnant but almost 2 years of us trying (and spending 25k+) we were devastated. We held it all in and only shared it with each other. I only understand the surface of what you are going through and feeling. You want to be happy for them but your own hurt and loss and wanting what they have makes it really difficult. My heart aches for you and you the Mr. I’m praying you’ll have you forever family soon enough, but until then, feel what you feel and know that people get it! We’re here for you. I’ll send prayers your way…hopefully it will help lift your spirits…

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    • Your words, and your love and support mean the world to me. It is hard to share this level of vulnerability with the world, but I know I need to because I hope that by sharing I can make someone else feel a little less alone on their journey.
      Thank you from the bottom of my hear for sharing your story, and how your sisters pregnancy impacted you.
      Love to you my friend.

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  25. Oh my goodness do I understand this pain. So very sorry. Your emotions of anger, jealously, pain are all so understandable. Be kind to yourself.

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  26. I am so sorry lady! It’s hard to keep going on like everything is ok when your heart is hurting. It’s hard to watch others get what we want so badly. My husband has a lot of cousins our age and over the last few years there’s been a baby boom and I wondered for the longest time if we would be a part of it. Please just know there are many of us who understand these feelings and are here for you! Sending much love to you today!

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    • Thank you so much for taking the time to offer your understanding of these emotions, and the struggle. You are right, so many of us understand all of these feelings, and I am not alone. I do take comfort in knowing that I am not alone – thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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  27. Sending a hug. I’ve also been guilty of emotions like this … When my kid sister (six years younger than I) and her then boyfriend threw a big party to announce their engagement, I just wanted to run away and hide. (I didn’t marry until I was 40 … didn’t meet anyone I wanted to marry until my late 30s … but even though I was pretty ambivalent about marriage, that didn’t ease the pain of not being asked.) It would have been so much easier if someone had just warned me – I could have preserved my dignity, at least. As it was, pretending to be happy for them was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And when a few people, meaning to be kind, came up to me and said, “Never mind – your turn will come” … oh my word, it was so hard not to bite them!

    Anyway, just wanted to say I understand. These feelings are ignoble – we SO want to be “better than that”. But we’re human, and sometimes it’s almost impossible not to say, “But what about me?”

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your expeirence and your understanding! I am so thankful that I am not alone in these emotions.
      You are right, they are ignoble and I “so want to be better than that”, and the feelings of wanting to be better then that probably just amplify how horrible I feel right now because I am clearly not better then that. But as you say, I am human, and it’s okay to be human.
      Thank you.

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  28. You are not alone. My sister accidentally got pregnant when we had been trying for years. It was hard. But, the light my nephew has brought to our life is amazing. I hope that you feel better soon.

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    • Thank you for pointing out the long term effects of their pregnancy – their child will bring light and love to our family, and even if I cannot see it today, light and love is a good thing! Hopefully one day soon I start to appreciate that fact a little bit more then I do right now.

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      • I hear ya. It took quite a while for me/us to deal with the disappointment that it wasn’t us. But once they get here you can’t help but love them. I still have a hard time that my little sister was first to get something that I want so badly. It is fleeting but still there from time to time.

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  29. Don’t hate yourself. The feelings that you have are perfectly normal. Love yourself through this difficult time. I adopted my first child and had many losses before that decision. Know that you will be blessed.❤️

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  30. I am so very sorry. ❤ As always, I am sending lots of love and hugs. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I don't think there are the right words.

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  31. Oh wow. I almost cried reading this. Same lump, different throat.

    I am going through a similar crisis with realizing I am one everyone is scared to tell she’s pregnant. It was supposed to be us. You’re so right.

    Love you friend. It’s so tough sometimes.

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  32. I have no words of wisdom but I am sorry. I felt similarly when my SIL and my sister both had babies after our failed attempts. My situation wasn’t the same as yours but I was still so heart broken. Hugs to you.

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  33. I so get those feelings, the ones you wish you didn’t get because they make you feel like a crappy person sometimes. But they’re totally normal and you’re not a bad person for having them. I’m not sure if anything make it better or easier honestly – maybe we just build up a sort of resilience to it after years and years. I’m sorry today isn’t an easy one.

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  34. Oh hun. I’m so sorry you have to deal with any of this. RPL friggin sucks. This is exactly how I felt when I found out about my younger cousins *second* pregnancy. Two for her and none for me, I was sad and livid! I didn’t even try to act excited. It’s so unfair that anyone has to deal with this crap, don’t hate yourself for these feelings that are understandable and to be expected. You’re human, and so many of us have felt them too. I wish I knew what to say to make it better. Hugs.

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    • Thank you so much for understanding. I hate that you do, but I also love that you are able to help me see that my feelings to this are in fact normal. You are right, it is so unfair!

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  35. Oh I know his feeling all too well. My brother and his wife just had their first baby in December and I will never forget the afternoon he called to tell me. I was so heartbroken. And jealous. And yet mad at myself for my feelings. So I get it. And you are not alone in your grief. Love ya sugars! Co

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    • The rush of emotions is just so hard to comprehend and so hard to accept. I’ve never before thought of myself as a jealous person. I’ve never before thought of myself over other people. And here I am doing both, and feeling horrible about the entire thing. It’s hard. It’s freaking hard.
      Thank you for understanding Elisha. Love to you as well.

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  36. I am so sorry that you are in pain. It is completely understandable! I can totally understand the “IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE US” gut wrenched feeling that would come with the announcement of a grandchild-to-be that’s not yours. It is a wound that is close to the surface, and that opens it right up. While they’re not pretty feelings, they are REAL feelings, and it doesn’t make you horrid to have them in my opinion. I am so sorry for your heartbreak, for the fear something will go wrong (I have not experienced the recurrent loss you have, but enough that I, too, see early pregnancy announcements and hope that nothing goes wrong…I am relieved when nothing does but also irked that other people get the fairy tale, and then I feel horrible, myself!), for the jealousy. I hope you can soothe yourself in this tender time. Take good care, you are not terrible. You’ve survived hideous pain and loss, and you are not made of stone. You are human. Much love and peace to you.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your love Jess. I am ever so thankful that you are in my life to remind me that all of this stuff is “normal” even though none of it feels normal (I hope that made sense).
      And, I guess you are right, these emotions show what I have and still am surviving, and that I am human. While I wish I were more graceful with my emotions, this is what it is and right now it’s the best I can be.

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  37. Oh lady. I am so sorry. This is awful. It’s horrible how true it is. The wounds never really heal. The pain is just waiting like a beast to awaken. I’m thinking of you, honey.

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    • Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. You are right, the pain is just below the surface, waiting to be woken and ever eager to pounce like a beast when it gets the chance. I wish it were different, but clearly if today has taught me anything, it has taught me that the pain is still very real.

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  38. I’ve been there, feeling so immensely angry and then feeling guilty because I just couldn’t be happy for the expecting couple. Being on the path to adoption doesn’t erase the hopes and dreams you initially had about when and how you would start a family, so seeing it happen for others can be difficult and painful.

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    • Thank you so much for letting me know that you too have felt this unique pain and guilt for feeling the pain. You are so right, adoption does not erase our failed hopes and dreams.

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  39. Its not fair and you’re very entitled to feel these emotions. Big hugs & I hope you feel better about it all in time. Xx We also should’ve had the first grandbaby but we miscarried & my fiances younger brother beat us to it. It hurts so much. Thinking of you.

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  40. It sucks that this whole thing sucks so much! Life hurts so much, yet everyday you get up and live your life by just putting one foot in the other is you fighting back. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, the same that my heart breaks that any of us have to go through this struggle that nobody can understand unless you’re living it. much love and kindness to you!

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    • So well said – it sucks! You are right, every day we just get up continue to trudge along, fighting the fight. Some days it is tiring and exhausting, but somehow we manage.
      Thank yous o much for your love, compassion and understanding. It means the world to me.

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  41. There isn’t much I can add that I didn’t say privately earlier but I want to reiterate that it is totally okay to feel betrayed by the universe when life’s deeper cruelties smack us down yet again. My thoughts, love and deepest empathy are with you and Mr. MPB.

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  42. Gosh, that is a familiar feeling, and when it’s inside the family, it’s hard to create that protective distance. I hope you will at least cut yourself some slack – the bitterness you feel doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you human! I always found the sting of this would blunt itself with time, and eventually you will be a mom. I don’t think you’ll find there’s any shortage of excitement when that time comes, regardless of birth order. For now, take good care of yourself and proceed with a compassion for yourself and what you can handle. Xo

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    • I keep trying to remind myself that these emotions are human and normal, so thank you for also reminding me of that! Although, it sucks, I am trying to cut myself some slack and ride out the emotions.

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  43. If you live closer, I’d drive to your house and give you a hug. Rarely do I say the words “I know how you feel” because with so many variables that statement is rarely accurate. This post I have written myself in various forms on my blog and on IF forums. I am the oldest in my family, the first to start trying to get pregnant. I went through three sibling pregnancies before I finally became a mon. I wanted to be happy for my siblings but it was supposed to be me to have a baby. For me, the worst was my brother and his wife who had to take fertility meds to get pregnant. I had been going through infertility treatment longer. I was very angry that it worked for them and not me. The most recent round of fertility treatment they became pregnant with triplets. That happened after we had already adopted so I “should have my infertility grief resolved” and instead it hit me like a the ton of bricks. Our last round of IF treatment the doc would not proceed with the IUI until he talked with me about selective reduction. In his mind it was not if I got pregnant but how many I would be pregnant with. It should have been me that had triplets.
    Each time the guilt over the anger was terrible. I “should” have been overjoyed, but instead I was grieving.
    I know it does not totally help because nothing replaces in life support but if you need to vent or someone to talk to that has been there don’t hesitate to e-mail me!

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    • Thank you so much for sharing and understanding. It helps so much to hear from those who have already walked the adoption path that adoption does not cure the losses we have endured. I know you and I have discussed that in the past, and I am so thankful for your willingness to reinforce this message to me.
      I may just take you up on that offer to email – thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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