It Was Supposed to Be Us
I have this incredible fear. In fact, I’ve carried it around with me for a few years now. The fear is that Mr. MPB’s younger brother and his wife (whom we adore) will have a baby before us.
Last night this fear became a reality.
It feels like the world is crashing in on me.
I am devastated for us, when I should be happy for them.
Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat, and burning in my chest. Many tears have been shed and I am hurting.
I thought it might be easier to hear the news now that we are committed to adopting, but it turns out that doesn’t make me feel any better.
It was supposed to be us. We were supposed to have the first grandchild. We were supposed to have the family gushing over our pregnancy. We were supposed to have the first baby. We were supposed to have a baby by now. Instead, I sit here knowing that it will never be us.
I hate that people will expect us to be excited for them because we are adopting and everything is now “fixed”. I hate that when all I want to do is cry in Mr. MPB’s arms, I have to feign excitement because they deserve that much from us. I hate that no-one in our real lives except a very few who wear the curse of infertility understand the emotions we are grappling with. I hate that we will once again suffer in silence.
I hate RPL. I hate infertility. I hate all of this.
I hate what it has done to me. I hate that right now I am thinking about my hurt and have tears of sorrow running down my cheeks, when I should be overcome with joy and excitement for them.
I hate this side of me.
I hate that I have not moved beyond these horrid emotions,
I hate that with this news we have also realized that we may never actually fully recover from all of our losses and all our struggles.
I hate that when I hear a pregnancy announcement I fear their baby will die and they will know our pain which is unlike any other.
I hate that my memories of pregnancy are also my version of a living hell.
I hate that my heart is scarred and I still feel so perfectly broken.
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