I feel almost bipolar in my emotional shifts. The pendulum just keeps swinging from one extreme to another.
I realize the fears are all based in our history of losses. And it seems, no matter how hard I try, I just cannot put them out of my mind.
The obvious reality is that I want nothing more than to welcome Baby MPB in to our lives. Since we found out about Baby MPB, we’ve been putting the final touches on the nursery specifically for this baby. The cute little wooden blocks I bought as one of my last 365 days of happy days are now sitting in the room spelling out Baby MPB (the real name of course). Clothing has been purchased especially for Baby MPB. The room has been decorated and customized just for this baby. So far as I am concerned, the once dreaded nursery has become this MPB’s room.
So, if we don’t bring Baby MPB home with us, I honestly don’t know how I will cope. I don’t know how I will ever be able to go back into that room. I don’t know how I will ever be able to re-decorate the room for another maybe baby.
That room, just like my heart, belong to this baby.
Yet, all I know right now is that I have to keep hoping that Baby MPB does come home with us. And hoping that I never have to worry about having that room sitting empty again and that I never have to redecorate for another child (unless we happen to win the lottery and decide to adopt again).
Our history of losses has been hard and it’s left a mark on my soul. But, I owe Baby MPB my hope and my love. And so, when the fears come, I just keep reminding myself to hope. I just have to keep hoping.
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