Ultrasound Fears Resurface
First, a quick note that we baby and potential birth mom are both doing well. She goes for weekly OB appointments now until baby arrives, so it was nice to get an update. I’m now find myself looking forward to our weekly update, it’s just makes me feel good to know that she wants to include us and that both her and baby are doing well.
Her doctor suspect baby will stay put for at least a few more weeks and they are talking possible induction at 39 weeks. I can barely believe that we may have a little baby in our arms in less than a month!
On another note, she’s hoping to get another ultrasound at her next appointment so that we can have pictures of Baby MPB. Truthfully I have mixed feelings about seeing an ultrasound photo of Baby MPB. The very idea makes me nervous and almost sick to my stomach – I’ve never seen a baby ultrasound that resulted in a healthy baby that came home with us. I’m worried that seeing an ultrasound will somehow jinx it and the adoption will fall through.
I know, not rational thinking at all. But hey, what can I say? 5 pregnancies, countless ultrasounds, more medical procedures then I can count, not one living baby. I’m scared of any possible jinxes right now. Truthfully, when we first received the match proposal with medical history I skipped the page with the super granny ultrasound photos, I just couldn’t look at them.
I still carry many worries and fears with me. Our miscarriages and lost babies clearly still impact me on a daily basis.
But, I’m also not about to admit this crazy way of thinking to the potential birth mom or to almost anyone in my real life. So, if she wants an ultrasound and gets an ultrasound, I’ll focus on the hope and the excitement. I’ll bury the fears and emotions for another day, as I’ve done so often in the last few years. And when she shares photos with us, I’ll suck it up and ooh and ahh. All the while I will silently hope that one day I get to snuggle that little baby for hours upon hours.
Anyways, I as I am trying to focus on hope and believe, I have to say I still cannot believe that baby could arrive any day and will in all likelihood be perfectly healthy.
And, I’m absolutely beside myself thinking that any day now I could be a real mom!
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