Trying to Believe
I am trying to believe, I really am.
But I have one nagging thought that I just cannot shake.
We’ve lost 5 babies, why should this be any different?
I want nothing more than to bring Baby MBP home with us. I want nothing more than to finally be a real mother. I want nothing more than to be able support and love our child as they grow up.
But, life has never afforded me these opportunities. Life simply has not worked out for me, at least not in this respect.
So, why do I think this time will be any different? Why should I believe?
How do I get through this agonizing waiting with this very real nagging doubt?
What happens if she changes her mind (as is her right)?
How do I even start to pick myself back up and start over? My heart belongs to baby MBP and there’s no denying it.
Right now, this doubt is real. The fears are visceral. They are bubbling away just below the surface. Some days I can push them aside. Other days I feel paralyzed and consumed.
So today I find myself asking, how do I really, truly let myself believe that this time will be different? That this time, we will actually hold a living child in our arms.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.