Trying to Believe

I am trying to believe, I really am.

But I have one nagging thought that I just cannot shake.

We’ve lost 5 babies, why should this be any different?

I want nothing more than to bring Baby MBP home with us. I want nothing more than to finally be a real mother. I want nothing more than to be able support and love our child as they grow up.

But, life has never afforded me these opportunities. Life simply has not worked out for me, at least not in this respect.

So, why do I think this time will be any different? Why should I believe?

How do I get through this agonizing waiting with this very real nagging doubt?

What happens if she changes her mind (as is her right)?

How do I even start to pick myself back up and start over? My heart belongs to baby MBP and there’s no denying it.

Right now, this doubt is real. The fears are visceral. They are bubbling away just below the surface. Some days I can push them aside. Other days I feel paralyzed and consumed.

So today I find myself asking, how do I really, truly let myself believe that this time will be different? That this time, we will actually hold a living child in our arms.

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32 Comments on “Trying to Believe

  1. I understand! Hugs! Believing is less painful then facing realities… you know what the realities are so tell you brain it know’s that bad what if’s it’s time to push those to the back of your brain and let the positive hopes rest in front… our circumstances may be different but there is always that nagging thought that this could be another heart ache! The only thing I can tell you is the same thing I tell myself no matter what happens I am going to find a way to move forward and enjoy life and that no matter what happens doesn’t mean this has to be the end of the journey it just means that by the time we get our children we will be stronger then we ever imagined when we started this journey! HUGS!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear you… Fear keeps such a strong hold on us 😦 But there is always room for hope if we just let ourselves believe!
    Think of it this way: your odds are 50/50 so grab hold of the positive ones and enjoy the moment 😉

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  3. I would be the same way. I was this way with our 3rd IVF cycle – why would this one work when nothing else has? It’s a realistic thought based on your history, you’re not being dramatic. I get it.

    But this one is different. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can relate to this but in a different way. I think we have a choice to believe that it will work out. It’s easier said than done, I know. I’m just 4 weeks away from being full term and there’s a tiny thought in the back of my head, what if something goes horribly wrong? I know I don’t want to live in fear but sometimes it creeps in and makes us question ourselves and our situations. It’s hard to shake this fear when we’ve experienced such heartbreak and disappointment. I’ll continue to send you lots of prayers and positive vibes.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi there. I know this feeling – I was still nervous something could go wrong an hour before my scheduled C-section. I’d followed a gal whose baby was lost 8 hours before her scheduled C-section and I could not rest easy until I heard my baby crying. You’re going to be OK and so is your baby, but it’s going to be a long 4 weeks for you. When you hear that baby cry – your heart is going to feel the most tremendous relief!

      Hugs!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I have the same thoughts and feelings about my situation right now. Usually I try to stay positive about it and keep up hope that this time will be the time…but then I think about how nothing has gone as planned so far, so why should I believe this will be different? I think we just need to do our best at staying positive and trying not to let the negative thoughts creep in. In the end, it has to work out one way or another for us.

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  6. Don’t let fear take over your peace. The baby is still yours and will be yours :). Stay positive like we did for all losses and only difference is your baby is almost here :). Enjoy this time.

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  7. I truly don’t think you will be able to fully relax until baby is in your arms. I struggled with paralyzing fear like this during my pregnancy with Tru. But I also don’t think birth mother is going to back out. She seems to love you guys. The unknowns are hard though and I can’t pretend to know the struggle you are going through with all the added worries adoption brings. I just hope baby is born soon and all this worry is behind you while you hold your precious baby. 🙂

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  8. I don’t know. After so much that has happened to you, I think it’s perfectly okay to continue harboring doubt. It might be more stressful for you to try to pretend it’s all hunky-dory. I can only imagine a smidgen of what you must be going through, but I know it’s reasonable. I know it’s normal. You might not believe it until your child is in your arms – and that’s okay.

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  9. It’s so unfortunate that you – and so many of us in the infertility community – are conditioned to expect failure. Our losses and trouble conceiving have our guard perpetually up even when things are looking good. We expect things to go wrong because that’s all we know. I know nothing I can say will alleviate that fear but I’m thinking of you and sending every bit of hope to the universe that your fears never come to fruition. My entire pregnant I feared and even now that he’s here with us I worry something will happen. It’s hard to accept that after a rocky road, you can be led to a happy ending. I hope you don’t mind if I pray for you the same prayer I did for myself…that God’s grace is greater than your fears. And if you’re not into all that, then just know I’m wishing you get to bring this baby home.

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  10. Hugs. But why are you going into your past to predict what might never happen in future? This is a new baby and a new chance at life. No matter how it goes you have no control, so, accept what is now with hope. By imagining the worst you are just living it twice if it were to happen(God forbid). I know it wont happen. This baby is coming home to mama MPB soon.

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  11. I think having fears about this is incredibly normal, especially after all that you’ve been through. Even with only one chemical pregnancy, I am filled with fear when I think about this cycle of IVF. But, somehow, we just have to have faith. I’m not a religiously faithful person, but I do believe that the universe has its way of balancing out. After all of your loss, I’m hoping that balance for you will be baby MPB. I’m hoping for you every day. *hugs*

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  12. Fear and anxiety isn’t at all surprising. However a person ends up with a baby that time is fraught with it.

    I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with doubt, with acknowledging how you are truly feeling. It’s only if it’s overwhelming and you can’t get it off your mind. I don’t have any advice on how to do that, I get stuck in the cycle myself. I can tell you what is currently helping me to deal with it though as it may help? It’s something my psychotherapist recommended: You imagine yourself acknowledging each fear and doubt, then placing them inside a car. You then imagine parking that car in a garage and locking it up tight.

    You do that every time it threatens to overwhelm and breath deeply during it.

    I don’t think you’ll ever be able to get rid of that worry because it comes hand in hand with hope and nervous excitement. I will be hoping for you, you’ve waited far too long and you’ll love that baby so much.

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  13. I can’t discount your fears. I constantly worried while we had custody for 6 months until the adoption was final that the rug would be pulled out from beneath me, so I know those thoughts you have on some level. They are real and valid because you are feeling them, but this situation is different and I am hoping and praying that soon baby MPB will be in your arms and all will be right in the world.

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  14. Here are some ways in which this one is already different:

    – Different body. Due to crappy circumstances and an unfair universe, your body hasn’t been good at growing babies in the past, but this time your baby is growing in a different body, so there is no reason to expect that you will encounter the same problems.
    – Different baby. It’s the mantra of all loss moms: different pregnancy, different baby, different outcome. This baby is a totally different individual from the babies that you’ve lost, and he will have his own unique strengths and challenges, but they will inevitably be different ones than you encountered with your previous babies.
    – Different timeline. This baby has already made it past the riskiest parts of pregnancy. That’s not to say nothing can go wrong (we both know that it still can), but that the risk of pregnancy problems at this point is pretty low in an absolute sense. I remind myself of this fact every day (not that it always helps). 🙂

    So there are lots of reasons that this time is different, and lots of ways in which the differences make a positive outcome more likely. Don’t lose sight of that!

    That said, I know that a lot of your anxiety stems from the hugely obvious difference between this pregnancy/baby and your previous pregnancies/babies: the others were biological and this one is adopted. It sounds like your biggest and most reasonable fear here is that the birth mother will change her mind. I wish I had words of comfort for you there; I can only affirm that the possibility is very scary. I think you know the odds better than I do, but the most likely outcome here (by a lot) is that she won’t change her mind and you will get to bring this baby home at last. Still, nobody can guarantee that she won’t change her mind, and I wish there was something I could say to reassure you.

    There are many ways in which this pregnancy is different from your previous pregnancies. I wish I could offer you promises, but the only thing I can offer you is statistics: the odds are very much in your favor with this pregnancy, and this is the best chance you’ve had at holding that living baby for a very long time. Hang in there — we’re all hoping so hard for you!

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  15. It’s so hard for women who have been through loss to believe that “this time is different.” Despite having Luke here I still sometimes think that it won’t last. Why should it? Nothing else has. As hard as it is keep tell yourself that this time is different and will hopefully lead to a better outcome. Thinking of you!

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  16. This right here is EXACTLY how I feel…why should it be any different? And my only answer to you(and myself) is that….is just IS. It IS different and it will be different and there WILL be something wonderful that comes from all of this. I will believe for the both of us…always thinking of you…lots of love…xoxo

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  17. I think that this is so normal and it just like pregnancy after loss. I still have days where I wonder if I will get to take this baby girl home with me or if life will be cruel and the unthinkable will happen. I think for those of us who have been through this hell we don’t truly believe 100% until that baby is in our arms. We have moments of positivity and belief beforehand sure, but the fully fledged 100% feeling will only be felt once baby is with us and that is just the way that it is. Xx

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  18. Aww honey I am sorry! I can completely relate and totally understand why you feel this way. Ty to just stay positive and take it one day at a time. Big hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Hold on to all the positive things. I completely understand what you are going through right now. We’re going through our second adoption attempt right now… And the fear is there and real and very, very hard to ignore… But I keep telling myself that this time is different. And I keep pointing out and reminding myself of all the ways it is…

    It’s not easy, but when you have that baby in your arms, it will be so so so worth it.

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  20. Those are some difficult thoughts and feelings to wrestle with. You’ve experienced a profound trauma and I can completely understand why you are having a hard time believing this time will be different. Like some of the above posters have said, you have learned to expect things not to work out. I am so hopeful for you and I hope you can continue being positive (but know that your feelings are validated and totally normal). Hugs to you

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  21. As others have said, a totally understandable fear and it must be such an anxious time for you. Fingers very much crossed for you that time clicks by and very soon you have your little baby in your arms.

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  22. You have to try to believe because without it there is nothing but misery. It’s only natural that you feel this way, I’m sure it’s a self preservation thing. I felt the same after RPL, when I finally did carry to full term I still found it hard to believe that I would take my child home, I was convinced something would happen at the birth, just after the birth, in the weeks and months after the birth. I struggled to believe that this was real, that this was happening to me at last, but it was and so is this for you. Don’t let these thoughts ruin the excitement of being an expectant mother. I read your posts with such excitement and look forward to reading that you are finally bringing baby MPB home.
    Stay positive xx

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I can’t possibly know what you’re going through, but please be strong! You need to keep believing, so you can stay positive. A positive mind leads to positive outcomes. Remember that those lost babies have nothing to do with this one baby. You must be in great pain, but see how far you’ve come! You’ve dealt on so much, but here you are standing and fighting! Just keep going. 😉

    All the love in the world,

    Nícia ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Oh friend! I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling, and the only thing that I can really say is remember what got you to this place in the first place. All that whole, all that believing, all that face. Keep holding onto that, keep praying, keep believing, and keep the faith and things will work out just as they should, with a baby MPB in your arms. I’m praying for you both and hoping that this continues on the path that it’s on.

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