A Pensive Evening Alone
Little MPB is a pretty decent sleeper. So every single night he goes to bed at about 7pm, and 96.4% of the time he is asleep by 7:05pm. This means, the Adult MPB’s spend our evenings at home watching TV, reading news on our phones, playing games on our phones and generally just being exhausted.
But this weekend Mr. MPB went away for an annual guys camping trip. Which meant, after a fun day of playing with Little MPB, I had an evening in by myself for the first time in months. (Where as Mr. MPB has an evening like this almost once a week when I’m out of town with work and often don’t get home until about midnight).
So, in preparation for my night in, I ordered pizza for Little MPB and I, because there was no way I was cooking. Then, as per normal, he went to bed and fell asleep.
After singing our good night songs and tucking him into bed, I walked into the living room, unsure what to do with myself until I inevitably fall asleep at 9:30pm.
So I started scrolling through Netflix. I ended up choosing Eat Love Pray. I lasted about 20 minutes into the movie before my phone died and I was bored. So, I fetched my computer from the office, grabbed a glass of wine and curled up under Little MPB’s Paw Patrol blanket on the couch.
I debated working, but quickly decided that would be a horrible thing to do on a Saturday night of a long weekend.
So, of course, I started writing this.
And I started thinking about what is it that I have been wanting to do for me and not had time to do because tonight is the perfect time to do it. The problem is, what is it that I want to do? I can assure you the tasks on my current to-do list are all things I need to do, but not things I want to do – putting away the dishes in the kitchen, folding laundry, working, putting away toys, go for a run, etc. So, the question I’m trying to answer is – what is on my to-do list that I actually want to do? I know there are things I want to do that make me happy but they never make the cut. So, why is it that given a few hours, I cannot figure out what it is that I want to do?
I feel like in the last few months I’ve been living in some sort of crazy bizarre alternate universe. And before that I’ve been living in the mom world (a world I love and am absolutely not complaining about), but a world that means I come last 96.4% of the time. With the exception of one, once in a life time, girls weekend away, my life seems to be Little MPB, Mr. MPB, Work, Extended Family/Friends, Me.
And now, my mind is stuck. How is it that I’m sitting here not even sure how to spend one night alone in my house doing something that will make me happy?
And on that note, maybe I shouldn’t have chosen a movie with a self-discovery story line for tonight.
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