A Pensive Evening Alone

Little MPB is a pretty decent sleeper.  So every single night he goes to bed at about 7pm, and 96.4% of the time he is asleep by 7:05pm.  This means, the Adult MPB’s spend our evenings at home watching TV, reading news on our phones, playing games on our phones and generally just being exhausted.

But this weekend Mr. MPB went away for an annual guys camping trip. Which meant, after a fun day of playing with Little MPB, I had an evening in by myself for the first time in months.  (Where as Mr. MPB has an evening like this almost once a week when I’m out of town with work and often don’t get home until about midnight).

So, in preparation for my night in, I ordered pizza for Little MPB and I, because there was no way I was cooking.  Then, as per normal, he went to bed and fell asleep.

After singing our good night songs and tucking him into bed, I walked into the living room, unsure what to do with myself until I inevitably fall asleep at 9:30pm.

So I started scrolling through Netflix.  I ended up choosing Eat Love Pray.  I lasted about 20 minutes into the movie before my phone died and I was bored.  So, I fetched my computer from the office, grabbed a glass of wine and curled up under Little MPB’s Paw Patrol blanket on the couch.

I debated working, but quickly decided that would be a horrible thing to do on a Saturday night of a long weekend.

So, of course, I started writing this.

And I started thinking about what is it that I have been wanting to do for me and not had time to do because tonight is the perfect time to do it.  The problem is, what is it that I want to do?  I can assure you the tasks on my current to-do list are all things I need to do, but not things I want to do – putting away the dishes in the kitchen, folding laundry, working, putting away toys, go for a run, etc. So, the question I’m trying to answer is – what is on my to-do list that I actually want to do? I know there are things I want to do that make me happy but they never make the cut.  So, why is it that given a few hours, I cannot figure out what it is that I want to do?

I feel like in the last few months I’ve been living in some sort of crazy bizarre alternate universe.  And before that I’ve been living in the mom world (a world I love and am absolutely not complaining about), but a world that means I come last 96.4% of the time.  With the exception of one, once in a life time, girls weekend away, my life seems to be Little MPB, Mr. MPB, Work, Extended Family/Friends, Me.

And now, my mind is stuck.  How is it that I’m sitting here not even sure how to spend one night alone in my house doing something that will make me happy?

And on that note, maybe I shouldn’t have chosen a movie with a self-discovery story line for tonight.

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14 Comments on “A Pensive Evening Alone

  1. I do the same thing! I feel exhausted and defeated all of the time, and once all of those things are done and Baby Bach is sleeping and I get a chance to do…. something… I have no idea what that something is!

    I hope you found a way to enjoy your night! Sounds like you had a great weekend with your little boy!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have a hard time with the “what do I want to do for ME” both on a night in and in general. I really think I need a hobby but I just can’t seem to find one (or more likely I’m putting only a 1% effort into finding one). Just another thing to think about right?! Hope you enjoyed your alone time.

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  3. More than anything, I am wondering how you came up with 96.4% 🙂

    Yes, me is very important. You definitely are in need of a hobby my friend.. 🙂 And yeah, that movie is supremely boring.. I slept within 10 mins too..

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  4. My go-to plans for those extremely rare moments…. A hot oil hair treatment and painting my toe nails. Preferably while Doc Martin just happens to be on TV. 🙂

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  5. I cross stitch while watching netflix or meditate or do some gentle relaxing yoga. Sometimes I just be. Nothing but games on my phone and scrolling through social media while I savour the silence.

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  6. In case you decide you need a movie, I recommend Hidden Figures.
    If it still a daylight there at 7 pm, i would go out and sit in my garden with a cupnof tea/ cappuccino enjoying the silence. Those little things are really needed.

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  7. I needed to read this today MPB. My husband and I usually have dinner after our daughter is in bed, and then neither of us have much energy to do anything beyond mindlessly veg out in front of the TV or waste time on our phones. I constantly beat myself up about ‘wasting’ my couple hours of free time and not pursuing the many hobbies I have let lapse, but the truth is I am just too tired! I think we need to be gentle with ourselves and recognise that this stage will be over sooner than we know – and I’m sure we will miss it! xx

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  8. The other day I got asked what I like to do for fun. I stood there and stared blankly at the person who asked. I then said that on weekends we like to go to playgrounds, kid-friendly hikes, go swimming, etc. He then corrected me and said “what do YOU like to do for fun.” Again…blank stare response. Reality hit that I don’t much at all for myself for fun anymore. I have no hobbies. I exercise when I can cram it in. And the rest of my life is filled with toddler, husband, household, work. Where is there time for “fun”? I barely have time to sit and watch TV even when I know I truly should just drop everything and veg out. So, that being said, I totally hear you on this post. I think it’s a really common stage in life and, as the kids get older and more independent and start going to play with friends on weekends, that is when we can start to explore hobbies or our own interests more. I think that so long as we ensure that we do have social time with friends, dates with husbands (i’m chuckling at this as we have only had two dates since August of last year), and get a little “me time” then it will make the more dependent years easier.

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  9. I can relate! I have a friend who regularly watches Arya Monday nights to give me a break and I’ve been struggling with actually relaxing. I finally made myself leave and go to this hot tub place for an hour. I thought about the baby the whole time but it’s a start.

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