If nothing else, the last few days/weeks, have taught me that having a child is an emotional experience. (As if somehow I wasn’t already aware of this?)
Photo Source: Office.com Clip Art
For the first time ever we really thought our child was a real possibility. Then, once again, we thought the future we had been dreaming about was vanishing before our eyes. And now, we are back to cautious optimism. (I came to loath the term cautious optimism whenever we were pregnant our doctors seemed to love the term cautious optimism). Honestly, it’s been an emotional rollarcoaster!
And yet, this time, we have to proceed with real tangible steps. This time, we cannot lock ourselves in our house and calculate each next step, hoping it will be good, but planning for the worst.
This time, we have to face reality and we have to do so at least somewhat publicly as our ability to become parents includes people outside of our marriage. (That said, we still have not told any family about our adoption match and pending travel plans).
Our dog sitters are arranged. Our back-up dog sitters are on-call. And, the back-up to the back-up are also ready.
Our house sitters have been notified and are ready.
Our potential birth mom is waiting to meet us in person.
We have booked our flights. We have continued to pay massive bills. Our rental car is secured. Our hotel chosen.
We have no idea what will happen, but we know this time we cannot hide from the possibilities. This time, we will be facing whatever comes at us with our closest friends by our sides.
And so today, all I can say is here’s to hoping we come home with our little baby and not broken hearts.
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In mere moments our lives went from exciting to pure fear.
We’ve had no idea if our adoption match was about to fall apart.
We’ve been on pins and needles. I don’t think either one of us have slept much in the last few days.
But, this morning we just got word that our legal team explained everything to the birth father and he signed the paperwork to relinquish his rights. In fact, we are told he was desperate to do so once he understood what the documents meant.
So, I sit here, just finding out the news and I realize I should be elated. But, I’m not. Not really.
I’m surprised by my emotional response to this.
Yes, this is amazing. Well, at least for us. But, with this signature I cannot help but realize that just as badly as we wanted that signature to help us bring our baby home, someone else wanted that signature to ensure the child will not be theirs in the eyes of the law.
As desperately as we want this child, it appears someone else does not.
It breaks my heart. I simply don’t understand how someone does not want a child. I know we are coming at this from a very different perspective, but I cannot help but be sad. Sad for our child and sad for any other child in a similar situation.
We don’t know this child and yet we would move heaven and earth for this child.
And while I am slightly surprised by my mixed emotions, I am also thankful that we are the ones who desperately want this child in our lives. I know, without a doubt, we will always love Baby MPB, no matter what happens.
No-one ever said adoption was easy, and right now, I’m really starting to see some of the complexities in an entirely new way. I am also becoming increasingly aware of how complicated my emotions are going to be while we are the hospital and even in the years to follow as our extended family dynamic evolves.
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My Perfect Breakdown 