Is Everything Falling Apart?
* Note I almost did not share this post and may take it down. I am sharing it because it’s a very real part of my journey, but it is flirting with the line of sharing too much of our possible child’s story. Also, note that this post is about my fears. I realize there are many people involved in adoption, but today, I am not discussing anyone’s possible perspective but my own.
Where do I start? How do I even begin to say this?
We got bad news today.
Really bad news.
News that has the ability to force us to walk away from this adoption match, just days before baby is expected to arrive.
I don’t even know how to think. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I feel blindsided and devastated. I’m scared that Baby MPB may be slipping through our fingers.
I’m scared. So incredibly scared.
The potential birth father has refused to sign his relinquishment papers. Evidently it’s because he’s adamant the child is not his so he wants nothing to do with this pregnancy and/or this child.
But, even though he refuses because he wants nothing to do with this baby, it causes us a lot of problems. His refusal to sign means we are now in a high risk adoption. An adoption where a potential birth father will not sign cannot proceed until 30 days after the baby is born. So, assuming the potential birth mom goes through with the adoption plan, the adoption still cannot proceed. In all likelihood, baby will go into foster care for 30 days to give the birth father the required legal time to petition the courts to get the baby. If we were able to start caring for the baby and would have to wait it out in the baby’s birth state until the 30 days passes. After 30 days, if he doesn’t come forward, his rights would be terminated.
In some ways that doesn’t sound too bad or too risky because the birth father is not expressing interest in raising the child. But, it’s not that straight forward or simple.
The first significant problem is logistics. We would be stuck in the USA for 30 days for the birth father rights to be terminated. Then, we’d be stuck for another 2-3 weeks until the adoption is processed through multiple states and internationally. Honestly, we are already about 80k USD into this adoption. 6-7 weeks of USA hotel bills and no income from our jobs at home, really just isn’t an option. The logistics just won’t work.
Secondly, and more importantly, if the birth father chooses to change his mind and challenge the adoption at any point in the 30 days, we would face giving baby back. He could change his mind on day 29 of baby’s life and we would have to give baby back or start a legal battle to keep baby. The most significant problems that currently come to mind are:
- I cannot imagine the emotional devastation Mr. MPB and I will go through if we have to give baby back after so much time. I honestly cannot even go there. Because of this, we already made it clear to our legal team that if the birth mom requests 30 days we are walking away. So, to take a different approach with the birth father doesn’t make any sense. This isn’t easy for me to even think about, but we know we have to do what’s best of us, and protecting our hearts might just be what’s best for us right now.
- We are not in the least bit interested in a legal battle to keep a child whose biological father wants to parent. This is not the adoption story we want to share with our child as they grow up. This isn’t the story our child deserves.
Today, we realize this might be the end of this match. We are in a holding pattern right now, unable to make any sort of decision or plan any sort of next step.
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