My periods have been a bit wonky so my doctor wanted to make sure my insides are all good. So, I had some blood work done a few weeks ago and an ultrasound yesterday. (Blood work is all good and we are expecting the ultrasound results to come back normal, so I’m not worried).
After going through recurrent pregnancy loss / multiple miscarriages and infertility investigations, I’m an old pro at ultrasounds. Let’s be real, in 3 years of infertility hell, I’ve had more heads, hands and medical devises shoved between my legs then I ever thought I would in my entire life. Heck, I remember once upon a time I was naive enough that I never even knew a dildo-cam existed! You know, back when I didn’t even know what a Reproductive Endocrinologist is, or what a Sonohysterogram or Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) are. Infertility totally destroyed my nativity when it comes to baby-making.
Of course, in my part of the world, gynecological ultrasounds are done at the same place as obstetrics ultrasounds. Thankfully, I managed to book my appointment at a new ultrasound clinic so I didn’t have to go back to a clinic where I had to be told I was losing a baby or my baby no longer had a heartbeat. Because who wants to sit in the very same room they were told their baby was no longer viable? Definitely not me!
Anyways, as I’ve had a few post-infertility ultrasounds, I didn’t expect this one to be as traumatic as the first non-pregnant ultrasound. I knew the ultrasound process and the routine questions I’ll be asked:
- how many children do you have? 1
- how many pregnancies have you had? 5
- how many live births? 0
- When was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?
Of course, I silently laughed at the ultrasound tech as she tried to figure out how I can have 1 child without having had any live births – truth-be-told, her facial expression was rather entertaining. I did eventually explain adoption and she nodded saying oh that’s great, if you’ve been through fertility treatments you must be used to all of this by now. To which I simply nodded and thought, ya, thanks for the reminder. I guess making your job easier is the benefit of recurrent pregnancy loss?
But I can say, while this wasn’t nearly as traumatic as my first post-infertility ultrasound, it still brought up a lot of memories and a lot of emotions. While I wasn’t in the same room as all the bad-news appointments, it felt the exact same. And while it’s been years since we went through our last loss, I still miss each of those babies and all the hopes and dreams we had for them. I still wish I could have kept them safe, and given them the life they deserved. I still wish I could have met them, and held their little hands and saw their little faces. I still wish…
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I’ve stared at a blank screen for well over an hour this morning.
Okay, that’s not true.
I should probably say, I opened this screen well over an hour ago. Then immediately got up to make neocitron, because at this point with my current cold, I’m basically a cold medicine addict.
Then, sat back down and stared at the screen again while drinking neocitron. Then, Mr. MPB informed me Little MPB is awake. So I drank really quickly, while still staring at the screen and mumbling that I’m not ready to start the day. Then, I went upstairs to get Little MPB up. (He demanded to wear his jammas today, so we are having an impromptu pajama day because some battles just aren’t worth having). Then we came downstairs to have a dinosaur “roaring” contest and a tickle fight while Mr. MPB got himself ready for the day. Upon Mr. MPB’s arrival downstairs, I came back to this screen.
Once again, I stared at it. Then, I decided it’s time for a shower as I have meetings outside of the house today. So, I went and showered and took the time to actually blow-dry my hair as meetings necessitate that I don’t wear a baseball hat. Then, I returned to eat breakfast with Mr. MPB and Little MPB. Of course, Little MPB promptly stole from me (Little MPB is a firm believer that whatever food someone else has is better then the food he has, even if they are the exact same) so I grabbed a piece of left over pizza, because Little MPB wont eat pizza (the kid is weird, what can I say?). Next, it was time to get Little MPB ready for daycare, which meant he needed his sandal-shoes and a snuggle. At the same time Mr. MPB ran through our plans for the day to sort out who was where when and what needed to be done. After that, Little MPB said bye bye and I returned to the blank screen.
.
Now, many of you probably don’t care about the MPB crazy morning dash to get everyone ready for the day. I’m pretty sure everyone, everywhere has a similar mad-dash morning routine.
But, their is a point to this:
I just don’t seem to have the time these days. Between parenting and working, I just never seem to have more then 30 seconds to myself to do basically anything I want. Hair cuts used to be every 6ish weeks, now they seem to be every 10ish weeks. Pedicures, I only made time for one pedicure this summer after my heals were so dry that they started to crack and bleed. Grocery shopping is usually a mad dash through the store with a very unhappy toddler who’d rather be doing anything but grocery shopping. Evenings, after Little MPB goes to bed, are used for catching up on work because I just don’t have enough time otherwise. Exercise, I don’t even want to talk about that. Photography, I’m not even sure where my camera is at the moment. Writing, clearly isn’t happening as much as I like/want/need it to.
.
I miss having a few minutes to just breath. Maybe next week will be better?
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My Perfect Breakdown 