Perminant Birth Control
A permanent birth control method has been on our minds for a very long time. In fact, when we decided to stop trying for a baby the old fashioned way, we chose the Mirena IUD for birth control Yet, we’ve been talking about a more permanent birth control solution ever since.
(As a quick aside for those not familiar with my story, we are technically infertile according the doctors. But we actually went through recurrent pregnancy loss with five consecutive miscarriages. In reality we are actually very good at the conception part and absolutely horrible at the staying pregnant part).
When we decided to adopt, Mr. MPB offered immediately to get a vasectomy. I said no, maybe eventually, but not yet. So I went back onto the Merina IUD. It worked for me in the past, so we assumed it would work again. We were WRONG. I have hated every single second of being on the Mirena IUD. I despise it. I’m not sure if the difference is because my natural hormones all changed during our five pregnancies and five subsequent losses. I’m not sure if I just got used to being hormone free. I really don’t know the cause. But, I do know that unlike my first Mirena IUD, this one has resulted in 10-14 day long light periods, horrible breakouts, way more irritable, etc.
So, we’ve been talking a lot more about long term birth control. For us, it is a couple decision, not just an individual choice. Firstly, because we are in a monogamous relationship with each other and second, we plan to be in a monogamous relationship with each other for the next 60+ years. So, we have agreed that:
- No matter what, we do not plan to have a biological child in the future. We are both 100% okay not passing our genetics on to a future child – for us, having a child was never about genetics. Given this, we will not have me try to carry a baby to term, as we know my body will not support it. We also know that we are not use a gestational carrier – with my eggs or with donor eggs. We are also not interested surrogacy using someone else’s eggs and Mr. MPB’s sperm. We both are confident that unless a child randomly falls out of the sky and into our arms, we are done.
- We need something highly effective because otherwise we will get pregnant again and I will lose the baby.
- I cannot go on anything estrogen based due to my history of migraines with aura’s. Apparently I am at a much higher risk for complications (if I recall correctly, I think I’m at a higher risk for a brain aneurism). So, nope, we just are not risking that!
- I do not want to be on any sort of hormone based birth control long term. I’m so over the side effects, even if they are only mild.
So basically that leaves us with Tubal Ligation or Vasectomy.
Mr. MPB is adamant that vasectomy is the way to go – easier and safe procedure, quicker recovery time and no potential long term health complications.
Logically, I fully agree with Mr. MPB. And god knows my body has been through enough crap in the past few years. BUT…
I still have some pretty strong feeling about Mr. MPB enduring the permanent solution. First, when it’s my fault we cannot have children together, how is it fair that he has to take the long term responsibility for my health failings? If I’m the one who looses all the babies, should it be my body that has the permanent birth control? Secondly, as much as we plan to be together forever, what if I get hit by a bus and he wants to have a child with someone else in the future? Is it fair to take that possibility away from him, especially considering my body will never have a child with anyone?
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Such a hard decision to know what to do. I can totally understand why you don’t want to be on anything hormonal long term. No way! I totally get it would be easiest to go with a vasectomy and I totally understand your hesitations with that choice. I know you guys will come to a conclusion that is best for your family.
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I have the copper IUD. I have normal periods, there are no hormones or side effects for me. Everyone’s body is different, but I’m just throwing it out there as another temporary solution.
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I know this is a serious post with a lot of heavy underlying emotions, but I just want to say that I think it’s really sweet that Mr. MPB is so eager to have a vasectomy for you 🙂 He sounds like a keeper.
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I had a tubal ligation and a reversal, and another ligation. Very effective and no I’ll effects. I would recommend looking into the syndrome that some women report getting after the tubal ligation. I personally never experienced one I’ll effect, but when I was part of forums of women all getting reversals it was something that was talked about amongst some women.
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You guys are in this together. It isn’t your fault you can’t have kids. That is not a weight that rest solely on you. It is something you deal with together. It really is the simplest easiest solution. Especially because of the stupid hormones. I get auras every once in a while, like none for years, and then a couple randomly. I didn’t realize BC could make them worse. I really think there is a connection here when I think about when I get them and when I don’t now…
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I wouldn’t think of it in terms of whose body is at fault. Think instead of how much your body has endured in the quest to have children. The side effects of a vasectomy are also pretty mild relative to a tubal. And if he’s eager to do it, you have permission to not project any feelings of guilt onto him about it.
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I wouldn’t let my husband get a vasectomy for some of the reasons you mention, though he offered. What if I die and he remarries? (It was primarily my choice that we not have more children after our twins, due to the difficulties of my pregnancy and delivery.) What if we divorce? I don’t anticipate that that will happen, but life is long, and I can’t predict the future.
I had the Mirena IUD for a few years and eventually had it removed due to some (mild but annoying) side effects. Now, at age 46, I simply rely on infertility, advanced age and infrequent intercourse as my birth control methods. 😉
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Eeeeep that’s a tricky one. I know I would feel the same way for the same reasons. Hormones don’t work for me either these days. I was on the pill with no issue for yeeeeeeears pre-kids and when I tried to go back on it after baby no 1 I was a mess. Also now I think about it my first ever panic attack was after I went off the pill. I wonder if that change for the body either way is just too full in for some of us. Good luck solving your BC riddle. Hubby is awesome for being happy to be the one. I remember suggesting it to M at one point and he was all NO WAY. even though he says he is too old for more kids really.
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Have you looked into Essure? It’s a permanent solotuon without surgery. It’s a plug for your Fallopian tubes. Not sure if they have it in Canada?
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As a professional in the reproductive field . . .
1. You could look into a copper IUD (paraguard) which does not have the hormonal side effects but is as effective (probably more) than Mirena. It also lasts longer (at least 10 years, probably closer to 15.)
2. The difference in recovery between a vasectomy and a hysterectomy or tubal ligation is HUGE. You have a kid. Even if it feels ‘unfair’ for Mr. MBP to get the procedure cause it’s ‘your fault’ (it’s not your fault, FYI!) think of the impact on your family. Your recovery would be much longer and more involved. Vasectomy is outpatient, and usually requires a single stitch and a day or so of laying on the couch. A tubal would lay you flat for much longer.
But, just my thoughts! I know you’ll figure out the best solution for your family.
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oh! also! vasetomies are more effective than tubals – failure rate of vasectomy is about .15, most in the very early weeks while there is still live sperm in the system; tubal is about .2
IUDs are also more effective than tubal ligation
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I agree with you 100% on why you don’t want Mr. MPB to get the vasectomy. Male factor IF is our cause of infertility and I absolutely shut Brian down when he said he wanted a vasectomy. He posed it as, “you put your body through hell to have babies when I was the problem. I want to do this for you.” NOPE. I got the IUD (Mirena) and I love it, and he’s still fertile (as am I) if that ever becomes important (death of one of us being the main concern).
I totally hear you.
I have a friend with the copper IUD and she LOVES it.
Good luck deciding… It’s tough.
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Obviously you have your reasons and feelings. But there’s no “fault”. It just is what it is. So please try to look at it another way. Also, my dad had a vasectomy and later had it reversed (still with my mom) and they had another child, my little sister whom I can’t imagine life without. So it may be permanent, but it may not be. Just something to consider.
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