We Said No
It took us months. In many ways this decision has been scary for me because it feels so final. In fact, once we made the decision it took me a full two weeks before I could tell them. I was so afraid it would be the wrong decision I felt paralyzed. Mr. MPB gave me the time and space I needed, and so did our friends.
In the end, Mr. MPB and I have said no to the donor embryo’s.
Ultimately, once another family was interested and ready to proceed with the donor embryo’s we simply couldn’t keep procrastinating. For us, this fact was a game changer. It was no longer just about our future family, it was about another family too. And no matter how we looked at it we simply could not stand in the way of another families possible future.
If we had a ready, willing and affordable gestational carrier, we may have made a different decision. But, the fact is, we don’t have this person in our lives right now. And, we aren’t willing to take on more debt right now to pay someone for a possibility. And, honestly, I don’t think we’d be ready even if we had that person simply because of the risk of going through another loss. We aren’t in a position where we feel comfortable investing ourselves in the pregnancy process and therefore open ourselves up to the possibility of another miscarriage. These scars are still with us, and to open those wounds again isn’t something we are ready to do.
And, since I’m being honest, we honestly do not know if we even want a second child. Part of me is desperate to give Baby MPB a sibling so he has a friend for life, yet rationally I realize having a sibling does not guarantee friendship. I also know I’d love to experience those tiny baby snuggles, the smiles, the first Christmas, the first laugh, etc. all over again. Back in my innocent and naïve days (pre-recurrent pregnancy loss), I always just assumed we’d have 2 kids, and part of me isn’t ready to let go of this dream. But another part of me is truly enjoying life right now and we cannot over look just how fortunate we are to have Baby MPB. When we chose adoption we decided that international open infant adoption was the best path to our future child, and it worked out for us. While we made many calculated decision to get to this decision, in many ways we also threw caution to the wind and jumped into a process we didn’t understand (and truthfully still don’t fully understand) and just hoped that we would end up with a healthy child and a have a positive relationship with our future child’s birth family. In the end, this is exactly what we got, and right now it just feels right and and I’d even dare to say it feels so perfect in so many ways.
And so, all of this means right now, we also cannot predict when/if it ever will be right for us to have another child. And therefore we realize that the donor embryo’s aren’t meant to be our possible future child, but hopefully they will become someone else’s and someone else will have their dreams come true.
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