We Said No

It took us months.  In many ways this decision has been scary for me because it feels so final. In fact, once we made the decision it took me a full two weeks before I could tell them.  I was so afraid it would be the wrong decision I felt paralyzed.  Mr. MPB gave me the time and space I needed, and so did our friends.

In the end, Mr. MPB and I have said no to the donor embryo’s.

Ultimately, once another family was interested and ready to proceed with the donor embryo’s we simply couldn’t keep procrastinating.  For us, this fact was a game changer.  It was no longer just about our future family, it was about another family too.  And no matter how we looked at it we simply could not stand in the way of another families possible future.

If we had a ready, willing and affordable gestational carrier, we may have made a different decision.  But, the fact is, we don’t have this person in our lives right now.  And, we aren’t willing to take on more debt right now to pay someone for a possibility.  And, honestly, I don’t think we’d be ready even if we had that person simply because of the risk of going through another loss.  We aren’t in a position where we feel comfortable investing ourselves in the pregnancy process and therefore open ourselves up to the possibility of another miscarriage.  These scars are still with us, and to open those wounds again isn’t something we are ready to do.

And, since I’m being honest, we honestly do not know if we even want a second child.  Part of me is desperate to give Baby MPB a sibling so he has a friend for life, yet rationally I realize having a sibling does not guarantee friendship.  I also know I’d love to experience those tiny baby snuggles, the smiles, the first Christmas, the first laugh, etc. all over again.  Back in my innocent and naïve days (pre-recurrent pregnancy loss), I always just assumed we’d have 2 kids, and part of me isn’t ready to let go of this dream.  But another part of me is truly enjoying life right now and we cannot over look just how fortunate we are to have Baby MPB.  When we chose adoption we decided that international open infant adoption was the best path to our future child, and it worked out for us.  While we made many calculated decision to get to this decision, in many ways we also threw caution to the wind and jumped into a process we didn’t understand (and truthfully still don’t fully understand) and just hoped that we would end up with a healthy child and a have a positive relationship with our future child’s birth family.  In the end, this is exactly what we got, and right now it just feels right and and I’d even dare to say it feels so perfect in so many ways.

And so, all of this means right now, we also cannot predict when/if it ever will be right for us to have another child.  And therefore we realize that the donor embryo’s aren’t meant to be our possible future child, but hopefully they will become someone else’s and someone else will have their dreams come true.

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19 Comments on “We Said No

  1. I get this. We still have five frozen blasts, but time, age and $$$ make it seem so impossible. We rolled the dice once and won. Would we again? Hugs to you.

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  2. I’m sure the other family appreciate your courage in saying no and giving them the chance to grow their family.

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  3. Such a tough decision but I know you really thought it out and ultimately made the right choice. And so unselfish of you so another family can grow 🙂 That’s why you are amazing ! Again, Baby MPB is so lucky to have you and you all blessed to have him….hope you all have a wonderful 2017!!! xoxo

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  4. Hugs. Hard decision to make! Maybe you’ll stay with one (so many good reasons to stop at one), or maybe it’s just that the timing is off? We have been thinking about one & done or two kids. We always thought if we had two kids they needed to be super close in age. But now we are wondering if maybe another baby IS in the cards but just with a bigger age gap than we imagined (instead of 2 years more like 3-5yrs). We’ll see. All the best as you enter 2017 with your lovely family 🙂 Our daughter will be 2 in April! Time flies.

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  5. It’s a hard decision, but one I think you have really grappled with. I’m glad you have some peace about it now.

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  6. Whew. I’m so glad you’ve come to a decision, and that you are at peace with it. You and Mr. MPB are such thoughtful people, and I know you considered every angle and made the best possible decision for your family. I hope this takes some weight off your mind. Baby MPB is a lucky guy to have such caring and considerate parents.

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  7. Whatever decision you made would have been right because you made it thoughtfully and with due consideration. One of the many hard things about infertility or recurrent losses is how they make what are simply decisions about family building so complicated.

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  8. I hope it feels good to have this behind you. Bravo for sorting through all of the noise to get to the heart of the matter.

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  9. I admire your ability to step aside and give someone the opportunity to create a life to care for. I understand that was a tough call but if you were unsure it was the RIGHT call. HUGS!

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  10. Very brave and it sounds like you accept it. Remember that this door isn’t closed forever. There may be options for baby #2 in the future if that’s what you guys decide you want.

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  11. Hugs. Not an easy decision at all. I hope and pray the other couple is successful.
    I strongly believe that whats yours will be yours! This perhAps was not meant to be! Much love to you.

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  12. I know this has been a hard decision for you guys to come to, but I’m glad you finally figured things out. I hope that those embies bring some good luck to that other couple. I also hope that some day, some how, you are able to expand your family as well. Good luck to all of you!

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  13. Hugs! Tough choice but you made the right one for your family right now 🙂 who knows what happens in the future and how you will feel. You may end up deciding 1 is enough. We have 1 son and I am 50/50 on another. Part of me would like to experience pregnancy again and to have a sibling for my son BUT there are also other considerations like finances, our ages and feeling lucky that with my hypertension I had a problem free pregnancy, would we risk another? So hard to tell.

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  14. I know this was not an easy decision to come to but I hope you have some relief after making the decision. If you guys choose to expand your family later on in life I’m confident it will happen one way or another.

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  15. This decision makes perfect sense. I will have to blog about it all soon, too, but we may be coming around to a similar conclusion. I have had so many of these thoughts – it was comforting to read your process! Congrats on having a decision made. Xo

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