The Possibility of Saying No
So the big question on my mind today is if we turn down the donor embryos, will we/I regret it for the rest of my life?
Mr. MPB and I both completely agree that we are not ready for a second child today. But, we also both agree that we aren’t sure we ever will be ready for a second child, and we just don’t think it’s fair to ask our friends to wait indefinitely for us to make a decision.
We know the biggest factors standing in our way right now:
- Cost. Money is a big part of our hesitation in moving forward with the embryo adoption. Honestly, we just don’t know how we will ever be able to afford a paid gestational carrier after all our adoption expenses. And we just don’t have anyone in our real lives lining up to volunteer their uterus.
- Mental Health. Attempting another pregnancy, even with a gestational carrier, simply scares both Mr. MPB and I.
- Impacts on Baby MPB. See points 1 and 2.
- The process/legalities of gestational carriers in Canada. Honestly, I think some of our hesitation here is that we just survived an international adoption process that was absolutely nothing like what we expected. And truthfully, in someways, I think we are still a emotionally scarred from some aspects of the process which makes us hesitate to jump into another process that we don’t fully understand. Also, from a purely technical standpoint, we cannot seem to figure out the Canadian laws as it seems like it’s illegal to pay someone, yet it’s done frequently – it just doesn’t make sense to us.
And now, there is a new thing very important for us to consider. There is another couple who would love to adopt the embryos to try to grow their family. We have essentially been given first right of refusal, but for us, this piece of information is a drastic game changer. How in the world can we stand in the way of another couple’s possible family simply because we cannot make a decision? It doesn’t seem fair to the other couple, to our friends or even to the embryos.
But, I have this one very selfish thing holding me back from saying no – what if this really is our only chance at another child and in a few years this becomes the biggest regret of my life?
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Wow. This is a big decision that now has added pressure! Thinking of you as you make this life changing decision. It could easily feel overwhelming and rushed. I hope you can carve out some space to assess it calmly. Xo!
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Thank you my friend. I do think at times it has felt overwhelming, but mostly I think I’ve just felt so honoured to even be able to consider it that I try to stay calm about it. I just wish I had an easy answer, it’s so rare that we are so indecisive!
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What a heavy thing to consider. Your reasons not to all seem so logical but boy do I know the crazy pull for a second child. To have the head and heart so misaligned is pretty rough. Just wishing you so much peace.
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I have to admit, I wish I just knew what I wanted like you just knew. I am honestly envious because I don’t think you’ve ever waivered in the way that I am right now. And the fact that I’m wavering so much makes me think that maybe 1 is enough for us. Arg, I just don’t know.
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Wow! How u sleep at night is beyond me. i would be so worked up with this!!
I hope you both win the Lotto Max pronto! And honeslty in all honesty if I didnt have such a broken uterus, I would gladly volunteer mine.
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You are way to kind my friend. It still breaks my heart everything you’ve been through to get your two little ones in your arms! 🙂
I think I will buy a lotto max ticket today, who knows, maybe it will be my lucky day. 🙂
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Personally I would let the embryos go. Everyone told me to freeze my eggs when I was 20, and I am thankful that I didn’t because the technology improves all the time and the agency that would have frozen my eggs were terrible. I didn’t know it at the time. Spare more heartache and grief when you thaw and the eggs are no good. Anyway, I love babies. I will finish my adoption in January and we talk about adopting again, but my husband thinks that we need to get a toddler because these baby days are rough on him. I don’t know if we will adopt again or if we will get a baby or a toddler, but I do know that I am enjoying our family right now and depending on money and circumstances etc we can expand our family later. There are just so many variables to consider. I think that if you want to have a child, you will be able to find a way in the future that is right for all of you.
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I agree with so much of this.
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Amen to this. I agonized over picking a donor, timing for a child, gender. health of a child… Then one day we got a call to foster a mixed race, three year old boy with an autism diagnosis and suddenly that’s exactly what we always wanted. 🙂 What’s next, no idea.
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Wow, that’s a tough one. I can’t imagine having to make that decision. I hope that whatever you decide, you won’t have to deal with feelings of regret.
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Having the added pressure must be so hard on you. This is a life changing decision either way and I’m glad you’re taking your time. Sending you strength.
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That’s a lot to take into consideration. You just have to decide if you want a sibling for your son. Once you do that, all else will fall into place. Ask relatives about being a carrier. You will be surprised at who comes forward….
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If you let these embryos go and then decide that you do want a second child in the future, I think you “just” (haha–if that isn’t a loaded word…) have to have faith that you will find your way to that second child–just like you found your way to baby MPB. I remember back when you couldn’t even begin to wrap your head around the idea of adoption, and yet here you are. And maybe it will be the same if you decide on a #2. That you’ll eventually embrace something that you can’t even begin to wrap your head around today. Thinking of you and hoping you’ll find peace with whatever you decide!
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I understand feeling frozen at decisions like these. I don’t have much advice for you, although there is some good advice in the comment section here. Thinking of you this week!
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How many embryos do they have for donation?
If many, let them split between you and that family.
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Is embryo donation available there? Here, we could find donor embryos at any time and transfer to a GC if that was our desire.
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Realized I should clarify. I mean like a donor embryo bank.
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Yes that’s hard, just follow your heart.
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Tough decisions; I wouldn’t know where to begin. Just know that whatever you decide will be the right decision. You can’t go through life going what if after you’ve made your choice; you just have to let the path not taken go. It’s hard, but it’s healthy. 🙂 All the best, friend!
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Second kids even if planned add a lot of stresses. You made it through this one. I know you could tackle it and do it again if that’s what you really want. Follow your gut (it knows what’s right) and don’t look back. ❤
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I know there is time pressure because of the circumstances of this embryo adoption but if that wasn’t in the equation, would there be pressure to make a decision about a second child right now? It seems to me that the timing isn’t right for you guys right now but that you’re young and could possibly review the issue of a second child later, when the time is right… and I agree with many of the above comments… something will open up. I don’t believe this is your only chance at a second child.
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This is really hard. What strikes me the most here is that we’re talking about embryos that easily may turn into nothing. When we talk about our embryos, we remind ourselves that they are only the potential to become babies, that they are not real babies (yet) and may never be. That really helps us. This is not like a passed up, or failed, adoption with a real live baby at stake. I view this as that initial decision you made to jump into the adoption process with baby MPB. Maybe that helps to look at it that way? You wouldn’t start the adoption process until you were ready, so why start this process before you’re ready? I know that sounds overly simplified, but remember that you’re not saying no to a particular baby. I mean, if someone called you right now and said, “my friends kid just had a baby and they’re placing it for adoption and asked if we knew anyone and we told them we’d ask you if you’re interested and no one else has been informed of this baby yet.”. I think you’d scream, “we’ll take it!”. This is NOT that situation. There are embryos in a freezer, not a born baby in waiting. The odds of another born baby popping up again would be slim to none if you passed up that opportunity, but the odds that another embryo adoption or international adoption being available if you choose to do that are much higher. So I’d view it simply as that, the starting process. Are you ready to start the starting process?
And if you pass them up, you need to tell these friends that you never want to know if those embryos became babies. That would be too much.
Hugs and love. This is REALLY hard.
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This must feel like an incredibly tough decision. I truly believe that the right choice will become clear when it needs to. Just keep those eyes peeled.
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