Grappling With Major Life Decisions
Mr. MPB and I had a very good heart to heart last night. We started talking about how my emotions around his brother’s pregnancy announcement was really the result of how I am still upset that we will never have the chance to casually announce a pregnancy because we will never be able to casually have a child. I’m upset right now largely because I always wanted 2 kids, and I continue to watch everyone else in our lives lap us in what appears to be a race I just cannot keep up in and really shouldn’t even be trying to participate in.
In the end, we talked about pretty much everything important to us right now:
- What do we each really want in life?
- What type of lifestyle we really want for Baby MPB? And for us?
- How much debt are we really comfortable carrying?
- What does it really mean for Baby MPB’s life to have a sibling or to be an only child?
- How we survived 5 miscarriages together, and what that felt like for both of us.
- Can we ask some else to potentially have a miscarriage on our behalf, or worse have a complicated pregnancy with potential unspeakable consequences? Can we both stand by and watch someone, even if they are a perfect stranger, suffer for us? If I wont do it again, is it even fair to ask someone else to do it for us?
- Can we/I even handle a pregnancy for 9 months?
- Do we really need 2 children? Just because it was the dream way back when, do we still need to sacrifice everything for it, especially considering everything we’ve been through just to get to having one?
We had a really good conversation about the possible embryo adoption. Clearly we are both honoured that people trust us with these tiny lives, beyond honoured actually. But, we also both agree that at this point in time we are not ready for a second child. That’s not to say we never will be, it’s just saying we both know we aren’t ready to try today or tomorrow.
In the midst of this conversation Mr. MPB said a few other things that really struck me. First, which I already knew, he’s okay with having an only child. To essentially quote him, we already took 1 giant leap of faith when we chose international open-adoption and asides from the cost, it worked out pretty much perfectly when we got Baby MPB. So now, having Baby MPB and you is perfect for me – you two are really all I ever need. He also stated that he really doesn’t really want to have stand by and watch another person potentially have a miscarriage again (or worse), watching me go through it time and time again was the hardest thing he’s ever been through so signing up to potentially do it again is pretty low on his to-do list. This of course meant we talked about our losses, and while using a gestational carrier doesn’t guarantee another miscarriage, the fact for us is that we pretty much only know miscarriage so that’s where our minds go. We don’t have personal experience with 9 months of successful pregnancy so no matter how we look at it, we are tainted by our past experiences. And we are petrified of the possibility of having to get through 9 whole months without loosing our minds. So, for him, the thought of going into another pregnancy, and living through all that all over again, just isn’t something he’s keen on doing. And, mostly he just wants to get on with living life again, he’s ready to put all that pregnancy loss stuff behind us.
And mostly, once Mr. MPB shared all of this, he shared that if I really want to essentially remortgage our house to try the donor embryo’s with a paid gestational carrier we can probably find a way to do it. But, it’s really not his preference. At least not right now.
And I have to admit, the one thing we both agree on is the idea of getting on with life and just enjoy what we have sure sounds great to us right now.
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I recently found out I’m not allowed to do any more fertility treatments, after a dangerous complication from taking estrogen. I was fortunate to finally have one successful pregnancy three years ago, but we’ve had four losses throughout the process.
I’m struggling similarly. We always wanted 2 or more. Now, I love my son, and I’m so grateful we have him, but I’m still grieving the possibility that we’ll never have another.
In our case, I have my own embryos, AND I’ve had two friends reach out and offer to be gestational carriers, which just blows my mind. My husband says he’d rather adopt (I’d want to pursue adoption through foster care, I think). I don’t know what we’ll end up doing, and I’m trying to focus on healing physically right now, but know you’re not alone!
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I am so glad you and Mr. MPB are such good communicators. These are all heavy topics that require a lot of thought and neither of you take these decisions lightly. Thank you for sharing.
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Adoption doesn’t cure infertility. There will always be pain and loss due to the miscarriages. Family planning is so difficult when you have fertility issues because you have to consider so many variables and the financial and emotional cost of your decisions. I think that your thought process is very logical for a very painful, emotional and difficult decision. In the meantime continue to communicate and love each other eventually you will build the family you were meant to have whether it involves just the three of you or another baby. Good luck. xoxoxoxox
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Sounds like you all communicate so well…and I love that he is so honest and open with you..exactly what a marriage should be..I know you all will make the right decision for your family…little MPB is very lucky to have you both as his parents..that’s for sure!!! Xo
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I can only imagine the fear of getting through a pregnancy, even on the side line for you both. On top of that, from what you’ve said, Canada is not the most surrogate/gestational carrier friendly country and that just makes everything even more difficult on top of it. I love that you guys have such open communication about these tough topics and situations that you go through. I love that you’re ready to live life and I know that you, Mr. MPB and Baby MPB are so lucky to all have each other. If no other kiddos come into the picture, Baby MPB will just get to soak up all that love for himself! Of course, when he’s a teenager, he might not want quite so much attention, lol. Love to you all!!!
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I’m so glad that you and Mr MPB had a heart to heart and talked about the hard issues. You guys have been through so much together and it is clear are on each other’s team.
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I think you have come to terms with your situation really well. That is so strong of you ,MPB. Reading your post made me feel you guys are comfortable with your choice – which is the most important thing and what you really need to be happy.
So happy to read Mr MPB’s loving words.
Finally.. you and Mr MPB are very considerate of your possible carrier. So good things happen to good people for sure. Have faith.
Xx
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Catch and I talk often about #2. She says that if money was no object, she would absolutely want a second child. I say that if I had all the money in the world, I’d still be happy with just my Charlotte. It’s complicated, isn’t it? I hope you’ll find the peace you’re looking for eventually.
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“When to stop” seems to be hard for everyone in the IF/RPL camp. I think that when there is a “happy ending” to our struggles, the idea of jumping back in, and it possibly NOT ending happily the next time, is terrifying. I was relieved when our OB told us that he would not deliver another one for us (safety/medical reasons) because it took the pressure off of us – I was so scared that the embryos we had left would not turn into a baby and then what? We knew we would not do another fresh cycle so we were staring down the very real chance that the FET’s would not work and we’d end up really, REALLY wanting another but not being able to do it. I was so terrified of ending on a sad note, that when they told us we were done, we celebrated. And that’s where you are – you got the happy ending that you wanted and there are no guarantees that the donated embryos will turn into take-home babies. It’s like deciding to stop while you’re ahead. It’s really, REALLY hard.
I love the way you two talked about this. Very healthy and productive.
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I can feel your conflict reg trying for another baby, its something we went through when I wanted to try #3. Miscarriages do happen, thats somethung the surrogate signs up for as well, so it would be unfair to say you put someone through it.
I have 2 Kids today and we are done baby making and to be honest, I didnt havr to jump throygh the medical maze some others in the IF world do, but it stil stings when someone announces their pregnancy just like that. I feel bitter about it so I can empathise with you on how you feel about the new baby.
I love how you and Mr MPB communicate, something to learn for both me and my Mr. As long as you both are at peace with your decision, does it matter when or whether you try for baby #2?
Sending you both loads of love.
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Sending big hugs. Wishing you 3 the very best of Holidays and know the joy and warmth of the season. I am sorry that after all you have been through one must still navigate through tough waters.
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Commuication is key, it seems as if you guys communicate very well, I’m sure this is very difficult to deal with, but while you both are on the same page, all will be well. Thanks for sharing!
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Sounds like you had a really good open conversation. I can understand your point of views. Hope you are both feeling on the same page now after your chat.
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