Resurfacing Hurt

Some people may remember over a year ago some of our family members told us they were expecting.  They did it in what I still think was an unbelievably cruel and insensitive way, so insensitive in fact that if there were an award for least supportive and compassionate people, I’d award it to them.  In fact, I was so incredibly hurt that I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to forgive them and I knew it would put a lasting impression on our relationship.

And I had (mostly) moved past it for the sake of our family.

But, then yesterday happened.  And now, I’m back in a corner licking my wounds.

Let me explain.

.

I was nicely texting back and forth with my brother-in-law.  Random texts about the cold weather.  Nothing important.  Then a little while later (in the middle of a work lunch) I received another text.  I ignored it because you know, working.  But, as we were wrapping up lunch I looked at my phone.  I had been texted an ultrasound picture.  My face dropped, I’m pretty sure my lunch dates thought I got news of someone dying.  I pulled myself together, we all said goodbye, and I walked to my car and once I saw their cars leave the parking lot, I cried.

First, ultrasound pictures are a huge trigger for me.  As someone who has survived Recurrent Pregnancy Loss, through 5 pregnancy (all ending in loss) we’ve probably over 40+ pregnancy ultrasounds and we’ve only ever seen one healthy baby ultrasound and even that baby ended up dying.  I still remember seeing Baby MPB’s ultrasound pictures and just crying because I did not know if we’d ever bring him home with us, even though he was almost completely grown and ready to arrive when we first saw the pictures.

Second, why couldn’t they have told us in any other way?  Seriously?!  Just like I wrote over a year ago, no-one else has ever told us in these types of insensitive ways.  Seriously, a simple text saying we’re expecting again would have been so much nicer.  Or a phone call.  Honestly, no-one else has ever told us about a pregnancy via an ultrasound photo!  And those who have shared the pictures with us have also asked first if we want to see them.

Third, I know we have Baby MPB, and I am thankful for him every single second of every single day.  Yet, pregnancies still scare me.  I don’t know that I’ll ever be overjoyed for someone when they are pregnant.  I can really only celebrate a pregnancy once it ends with a living baby.

Fourth, and probably most importantly, I’m jealous.  I have no other way to say this.  I’m not jealous that she’s pregnant, I truly have no desire to ever be pregnant again and have mostly come to terms with the fact that my body is broken.  But, what I am jealous about is that they will have 2 kids under 2 without thousands of dollars worth of debt and without contemplating strategies for how to even have a child because evidently sex works for them.  Us, we always wanted 2 or 3 kids and instead we just keep reminding ourselves how fortunate we are to have 1.  And now, as fortunate as we are to be able to consider embryo adoption/gestational carrier, here we are trying to figure out if we can even make this work under the Canadian laws, let alone afford it.  Honestly, I’m pissed about this.  I’m bitter that this is our path, because it just feels so unfair that we have had to navigate the world of miscarriage optionscountless medical procedures, recurrent pregnancy loss, international adoption process and we are now trying to understand the gestational carrier process/laws.  All the while trying to figure out if we can even take the financial risk of adding to our international adoption debt with the cost of a gestational carrier.  Yes, I’m thankful that all of this has brought us Baby MPB, but honestly I’m bitter that this is the road we’ve had to travel.  I’m angry that as much as my heart desperately wants a second child, and the fact that even though we have a possible route to a second child, I just don’t know how we can realistically  make it a reality.  And, I’m just jealous that they have not had to go through all of this to have their kids.

And, since I’m being honest, I’m exhausted from living this way.  Part of me thinks for the sake of my mental health, we need to just accept our one amazing child as our only amazing child so that we can get on with getting on.  Mr. MPB seems more able to accept a future of just one child, it’s me that’s pushing for a second.  Yet, it’s been years of this shitshow, and I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of navigating medical appointments, miscarriages, adoption paperwork, adoption process, gestational carrier process, etc.  I’m tired of constantly wanting more than what I have when in reality what I have is actually pretty darn good in so many ways.

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42 Comments on “Resurfacing Hurt

  1. Ugh i feel what your heart is feeling in so many ways. 😣
    I am so sorry that you have had to face sooooo much of sadness and loss.
    I dont even know where to begin with what i have to say.
    First of all, im glad you are so happy with baby MPB. But truth is even i hate that my brother in law and his wife are expecting their second baby and through just casual unplanned sex while we are nowhere yet. Having had spent thousands like you. My husband and his bro work in the family business but as it is… the father has made severe financial disbalances between the 2 brothers by paying him higher salary 😒 on the other hand we also have to bear hidden fertility expenses.
    I also get overwhelmed when i hear abt others pregnant etc but what to do. Sometimes we plan smth but it doesnt go that way .. then to keep ourselves sane we only need to remember that this was best for us/me.

    So just ignore the ultrasound (when it is a very sensitive thing for you to look at and feel deprived of) but just think abt the future. Plan for your gestational carrier process and overlook the rest. Everyone faces some issue or the other sooner or later. Sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, my friend, I too am so sorry that you have gone through so much as well. I really like you comment that “to keep ourselves sane we only to remember that this was best for us/me”. You’re right, at the end of the day we have to do what’s best for us in these situations.
      Thank you so much for your compassion, your love and your support. Sending it right back to you my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Everything about this sucks. The way they told you, the fact that they get pregnant so easily, finding out at work, trying to be happy with what you have when you desperately want more. It all sucks.

    I want to address this point, specifically: “I’m just jealous that they have not had to go through all of this to have their kids.” I so understand this. It’s not like I wished IF on others, but I did wish that others had first hand experience with it, even if minor, so they could be a bit nicer to us about our struggles. I have a friend who, “gets pregnant if she and her husband high five each other!”. I have heard this so many times from her, and she knows what we went through. She would say that when we were still talking about a third. “But a third means more IVF, more shots, more disappointment, more crying.”. “Yeah, not here, we just need to high five each other and BAM! Pregnant!”. God, it was frustrating. But at my last annual exam this past October, as I walked out, I saw her and her husband use the back stairs and she was crying. I stood there, not sure if she’d seen me. She had. She opened the door and called me over. I knew what had happened, they’d just been told she miscarried. As she cried on my shoulder and her husband looked at me stunned and in shock, I said, “I know it’s hard.”. And she said, “I know you do.”. I then said, “and it’s probably a shock since the other two kids came so easily.” “Yes, that’s exactly it,” her husband said. In an instant, they got it. In an instant, she could see how hard things were for us and felt that herself. And you know… It didn’t make me feel any better. I made sure to check in on her later and tell her that I was not there because I was pregnant. “I wanted to tell you that because I don’t want my being there to feel like a sucker punch to you.”. “Thank you for telling me, I immediately thought you were pregnant.”. She was still hurting, and what she perceived as MY good fortune was causing her more hurt. She was “getting it” even more than I thought. And I felt even worse about all of my anger and hostility from the past. I felt a little better when she wrote, “you were just the person i needed at that moment because you understand.”

    I totally understand your feelings, and I want you to know that you’re not alone. I had those same feelings about people. I probably still do. 😉 Don’t be hard on yourself.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Oh my, I’m so sorry your friends had to experience a loss first hand. Yet, I appreciate their immediate understanding and compassion for what you went through. And somehow I feel like that moment must have been so meaningful for both of you, probably especially her as she had someone who understood as she was going through a miscarriage.
      I need to say once again, thank you. Your comments this weekend and today have meant the world to me. Somehow, maybe without evening knowing it, two years ago you said something that helped me realize instantly what I am feeling is normal. And one thing I know is that being able to feeling normal in such an abnormal situation always helps just a little bit.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I’m so sorry that this happened the way that it did and I’m so sorry that it’s bringing up so many emotions. I will never understand why some people seem to have it so much easier when it comes to having a baby than others. It just doesn’t make sense and never will. I have a lot of the same feelings you described when I hear of someone’s pregnancy….I’m terrified for them and feel like that won’t ever change. This is obviously a learned response but dealing with all of the pain anyone’s pregnancy brings up will forever be difficult for me too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing your understanding – I am truly sorry you understand this all so well. I do have to admit there is just something different between pregnancies of the fertile and the infertile. I am terrified for every pregnancy, but when it’s someone who’s struggled with infertility/loss, I cannot help but want to cheer them on and be excited and hopeful for them. Maybe that’s some sort of silver lining?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so sorry and I can relate. Even though I am super accepting of “only” having one child. (I honestly will be happy just to have one, if this one gets here safely, I don’t have any desire to go through all the stress and heartache again, and I feel like I would owe it to my child to be well.)

    When T told our friends we were pregnant they blithely announced they were also pregnant with their second. (Their first was conceived on honeymoon, naturally.) And then proceeded to tell us exactly what we should do, what we should buy, etc. I was so upset because it felt like this huge hurdle for us and a massive achievement and it was just number two, done it all before for them.

    I genuinely don’t think people who have not gone through infertility/loss can begin to understand. And like Courtney says, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I do wish they had some consideration and compassion.

    Sending you hugs. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • First, I’m sorry about your friends in a similar situation.
      Second, you make such a good point about owing it this child to be well. That’s something that’s really playing on my mind, and I am pretty sure the process of trying for a second wont help me be my best. I dunno, there is just so much to consider!
      And, I completely agree with you and Courtney. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I do wish people could have more compassion and understanding. I truly hope I was/will never be that inconsiderate to another person knowingly or not.

      Like

      • Thing is, I think I probably WAS inconsiderate when I was younger and wasn’t at that stage of wanting kids yet. I remember being quite critical of IVF (e.g. Why would you put your body through that when you could adopt – what’s wrong with adoption?) Having been adopted I was very much of the idea that it/we shouldn’t be seen as second best.

        Now I’m older I can see that it is way more nuanced than that. But at the time I had no experience of wanting a biological child or experience of infertility or loss.

        I don’t think I was ever mean about it (I hope I wasn’t) but I was probably dismissive in the way of not really appreciating how hard it is.

        Liked by 1 person

      • On the owing it to my child to be well – I know it is different for everyone. And maybe I would feel differently / less pressured if I already had a child. I don’t feel like I’d want a child so badly if I already had one – but I can understand wanting to give the child a sibling. But… not at the expense of my health, and not at the expense of being fully there for my child. That’s just how it affected me. For others maybe they can go through it easier without the horrible side effects but I don’t think emotionally/mentally I could. Maybe that will change later on but right now my only end goal is to have one child, and hope that child is healthy and happy. I think that him not having a sibling would not preclude that. But each family is different. X

        Liked by 1 person

    • Being well for your existing child is important. When we started for #2, I figured it would take a few cycles, like it did the first time, so I didn’t get emotionally vested at all. That allowed me to stay focused on Matthew aside from nightly shots and random scans (FETs aren’t as rigorous as fresh cycles). If that first FET hadn’t worked, trying for #2 would have pulled me away from the presence of parenting my first kid. For sure. I was so scared of that happening, and it would have if we’d had a failure.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Everything about this sucks! I dont understand why people feel that having a baby or in the process cures the scars of infertility.
    Isnt one of them in the healthcare profession?shudder if true.

    I am sorry you are hurting, and I am sorry you are forced to think that just havig baby MPB means its enough. Enough is when you feel so, not otherwise. Grieve my friend, we all grieve with you.

    Hugs. 😢

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yup, one of them is a family doctor, supposedly trained in this stuff. Which I think does make this hurt just a bit more, because if there is anyone out there who should be somewhat understanding, it’s them. But, nope, it’s clearly not.
      As always, thanks so much for your support! Days like this just suck.

      Like

  6. I totally get and completely agree that such a behaviour was insensitive and stupid. People should switch on their brains and see a bit further from their nose. I also had several losses and many ivfs. Took me 5 years to finally get a child, after 700+injections just for that trial. My friend had been trying for 12 years and even went to the USA, but still nothing. She is in debt over her head. We have a third friend who knows all of this and who had a simple treatment to get her kids. She was complaining to my friend that it had cosy her around$ 1500. My friend told her ” that was not even enough for my plane ticket”.
    People are insensitive and selfish.

    Warm hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ugh, some people are so insensitive and clueless. And I think that fertile people sometimes (wrongly) think that once the infertile person has a child, she is “over it” and no longer needs consideration.

    Having been blindsided by some ultrasound photos myself (though thankfully not by anyone close to me), I can relate to many of the emotions you have shared here. I am absolutely thrilled with the children I have, and yet nearly five years after their birth, I still sometimes feel bitter about the length and expense to which we had to go to have them when I consider that most people had children through sex alone. I surely wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but I have often wished *I* hadn’t had to go through it. I think that we can both love and appreciate our children AND still feel upset about what we had to go through to have them.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I am so sorry that you are going through this yet again. I really can’t believe how insensitive they are being and my heart goes out to you. Sending you some serious love and support right now.

    I also want you to know that you are not alone in that early pregnancies are a trigger for me too after experiencing RPL. I am so anxious for their first appointment and I assume the worst because that’s my main experience with pregnancy. I wish it wasn’t so traumatic for me because I feel like I can’t be happy and supportive even though I want to. Anyway I’m so sorry you have these feelings too.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s amazing how incredibly insensitive some people can be, especially when they’re the ones who should be the most understanding and compassionate towards you. I’m so sorry that you had to have that kind of shock, especially since it happened while you were at work. Sending you lots of love…I’d give you a hug if I could!! *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Last year after our final IVF went kapoot about two months later I got a text message from a friend doing the funny little couple photo holding a we are expecting photo. I was gutted. I had just failed my last chance IVF and here was this fucking happy snap on my phone. And she knew how much it hurt me and she knew how sad I was. It took me a day to respond. A few months later I admitted to her that it hurt me deeply and she was shocked. So, imagine my surprise when a month ago we are chatting on messenger when she sends me a picture of her 9m old son wearing a tshirt saying I am going to be a big brother. I mean for the love of fucking god have not learnt? I don’t need your cutesy fucking message I just need you to say to me, hey guess what I am having another baby. I would be all cool. It immediately makes me less interested in their children.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Why do people need to be insensitive and now that I read this, I totally feel like I should have trigger warned you a bit about my post even though it wasn’t a pregnancy. I know what it’s like to want to have more than 1 child do very badly and you guys have had to endure so much heartache and insane adoption costs to get to where you are. I hate that you are hurting and if I could take even a little of that pain off of you, I would. Sending you so much love! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I totally understand you being pissed that you’ve had to walk such a tough road to be parents and adding to your family just isn’t simple. It really sucks and is nowhere near fair. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oy vey. I completely understand not celebrating a baby until the end of the pregnancy when there is a living child. If I get pregnant again, I’m going to ask that they postpone baby showers until I’ve already had the baby. I was even uncomfortable when they set the date for one during my last pregnancy. When people post pregNancy announcements on facebook, it’s a trigger for me to automatically unfollow them. I don’t think you are being irrational or ungrateful at all.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I completely understand your pain. No matter how many children we have after a loss, it never erases the loss. You need to speak up and let the people who sent that text know how it made you feel. While you are happy for them, sending a sono pic conjured up emotions you would rather not have to feel. Tell them to be sensitive to others who struggle with loss and Fertility issues, a simple “we are expecting ” would be more appropriate. They honestly just have no clue and need to be enlightened.

    Praying for your heart to heal ~

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Just catching up here. What a bunch of ***holes. Do you have to see them at Christmas? If so- I would pull one or both aside and amidst congratulations (blah) tell them that after so many losses ultrasound pictures and pregnancy announcements in general are a huge trigger for you so can they be a little more sensitive next time. Either that or give them a fake smile and down a peppermint martini instead 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yup, totally have to see them. In fact they are staying at our house for multiple nights. At this moment I’m planning to use the peppermint martini approach, but who knows I may get the courage to say what needs to be said.

      Like

  16. Sending you so many hugs. I hope you’re feeling a little bit better since but if not then peppermint martinis for the win.
    I walk around in constant fear of pregnancy announcements. I actually am hyper vigilant of all my friends’ habits. If someone even slightly behaves pregnantish then I tend to work myself up. It’s not fun. Pregnancies are no fun for me either. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I completely understand this and know exactly what it is like. I have been through this twice with my youngest brother and his bitch of a wife. While they are the ones being cruel and mean and hurtful and uncompassionate I am the one that gets blamed and that they get mad at. They can’t see and definitely can’t understand what fresh Hell it is for me. They don’t know that I wished that my sister-in-law would have a miscarriage so they might understand just a little bit of what I was feeling. If they could live a week in my shoes they would never make it. The one thing infertility has done is make me stronger and it sounds like it has you too. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Please know I am here if you need someone and yes I realize this comment is several months belated but the offer still stands.

    Like

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