Some people may remember over a year ago some of our family members told us they were expecting. They did it in what I still think was an unbelievably cruel and insensitive way, so insensitive in fact that if there were an award for least supportive and compassionate people, I’d award it to them. In fact, I was so incredibly hurt that I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to forgive them and I knew it would put a lasting impression on our relationship.
And I had (mostly) moved past it for the sake of our family.
But, then yesterday happened. And now, I’m back in a corner licking my wounds.
Let me explain.
I was nicely texting back and forth with my brother-in-law. Random texts about the cold weather. Nothing important. Then a little while later (in the middle of a work lunch) I received another text. I ignored it because you know, working. But, as we were wrapping up lunch I looked at my phone. I had been texted an ultrasound picture. My face dropped, I’m pretty sure my lunch dates thought I got news of someone dying. I pulled myself together, we all said goodbye, and I walked to my car and once I saw their cars leave the parking lot, I cried.
First, ultrasound pictures are a huge trigger for me. As someone who has survived Recurrent Pregnancy Loss, through 5 pregnancy (all ending in loss) we’ve probably over 40+ pregnancy ultrasounds and we’ve only ever seen one healthy baby ultrasound and even that baby ended up dying. I still remember seeing Baby MPB’s ultrasound pictures and just crying because I did not know if we’d ever bring him home with us, even though he was almost completely grown and ready to arrive when we first saw the pictures.
Second, why couldn’t they have told us in any other way? Seriously?! Just like I wrote over a year ago, no-one else has ever told us in these types of insensitive ways. Seriously, a simple text saying we’re expecting again would have been so much nicer. Or a phone call. Honestly, no-one else has ever told us about a pregnancy via an ultrasound photo! And those who have shared the pictures with us have also asked first if we want to see them.
Third, I know we have Baby MPB, and I am thankful for him every single second of every single day. Yet, pregnancies still scare me. I don’t know that I’ll ever be overjoyed for someone when they are pregnant. I can really only celebrate a pregnancy once it ends with a living baby.
Fourth, and probably most importantly, I’m jealous. I have no other way to say this. I’m not jealous that she’s pregnant, I truly have no desire to ever be pregnant again and have mostly come to terms with the fact that my body is broken. But, what I am jealous about is that they will have 2 kids under 2 without thousands of dollars worth of debt and without contemplating strategies for how to even have a child because evidently sex works for them. Us, we always wanted 2 or 3 kids and instead we just keep reminding ourselves how fortunate we are to have 1. And now, as fortunate as we are to be able to consider embryo adoption/gestational carrier, here we are trying to figure out if we can even make this work under the Canadian laws, let alone afford it. Honestly, I’m pissed about this. I’m bitter that this is our path, because it just feels so unfair that we have had to navigate the world of miscarriage options, countless medical procedures, recurrent pregnancy loss, international adoption process and we are now trying to understand the gestational carrier process/laws. All the while trying to figure out if we can even take the financial risk of adding to our international adoption debt with the cost of a gestational carrier. Yes, I’m thankful that all of this has brought us Baby MPB, but honestly I’m bitter that this is the road we’ve had to travel. I’m angry that as much as my heart desperately wants a second child, and the fact that even though we have a possible route to a second child, I just don’t know how we can realistically make it a reality. And, I’m just jealous that they have not had to go through all of this to have their kids.
And, since I’m being honest, I’m exhausted from living this way. Part of me thinks for the sake of my mental health, we need to just accept our one amazing child as our only amazing child so that we can get on with getting on. Mr. MPB seems more able to accept a future of just one child, it’s me that’s pushing for a second. Yet, it’s been years of this shitshow, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of navigating medical appointments, miscarriages, adoption paperwork, adoption process, gestational carrier process, etc. I’m tired of constantly wanting more than what I have when in reality what I have is actually pretty darn good in so many ways.
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