A Profound Realization
I never want to be pregnant again.
I didn’t think I’d ever actually get to this point, rather I thought my heart would always long to experience a successful pregnancy. To experience first kicks, giving birth, etc. But, I’ve now realized that I never want to be pregnant again.
I never want to see two pink lines again.
I never want to go through beta blood testing hell again.
I never want to walk into an abortion clinic again.
I never want to carry a child that I know my body will slowly kill again.
I never want to walk into my old fertility clinic knowing that they will treat me poorly and place their desire for money of my well-being.
I never want to know that feeling of immense loss again.
And for me, pregnancy means each one of these things are very real risks. In fact, given our history and my medical issues, one of, if not all of the above would happen again.
Truthfully, now that Baby MPB is here, I simply cannot fathom going through any of this again. How can I literally risk my life at a long shot of having a second child? How can I gamble his future on the hope of another child?
I will acknowledge that I do not know if this feeling is permanent or if it’s one of those emotions that will ebb and flow and come and go. I really don’t know.
But I do know, the thought of knowingly doing something that will jeopardize Baby MPB’s future, simply isn’t an option in my heart or mind anymore. I have too much too lose, and so does he and so does my husband.
And at the same time, I also feel as though I’ve spend the last 1.5 years fighting hard to get my healthy life back. Counseling, excising, work, eating healthy, having fun for the sake of having fun, etc. I’ve been fighting to rediscover the me that I lost. Yet, truthfully, I don’t want to be just the old me, but rather a new me who has learned from all of it. So, I am also fighting to discover the new me that I have become through all of this.
And so, I’m investing in my families future and working to live in the moment. I’m by no means perfect, I know I still have so much work to do. But, I can already see my hard work paying off and I won’t want to give that all up, and I’m truly afraid another pregnancy would take away all the progress I’ve made.
I do not want to go back to living in a state of perpetual loss and heartache. In fact, I literally don’t think I can.
I realize I need to focus on life and living.
And so, right now, I’m done. My body is officially out of any future family planning*. And I’ll admit, just saying that last sentence is almost liberating, as though in some way I’m reclaiming my body.
And today I feel like I am saying that for the first time with real confidence and true conviction.
* Note that this doesn’t mean I’m completely shutting the door on a second child, it just means I’m confident that my body will not play a part in having a second child in the off chance we decide to have another.
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