A Profound Realization

I never want to be pregnant again.

I didn’t think I’d ever actually get to this point, rather I thought my heart would always long to experience a successful pregnancy.  To experience first kicks, giving birth, etc.  But, I’ve now realized that I never want to be pregnant again.

I never want to see two pink lines again.

I never want to go through beta blood testing hell again.

I never want to go through a miscarriage again.  Or worse, I never want to go through a termination for medical reasons.

I never want to walk into an abortion clinic again.

I never want to carry a child that I know my body will slowly kill again.

I never want to walk into my old fertility clinic knowing that they will treat me poorly and place their desire for money of my well-being.

I never want to know that feeling of immense loss again.

And for me, pregnancy means each one of these things are very real risks.  In fact, given our history and my medical issues, one of, if not all of the above would happen again.

Truthfully, now that Baby MPB is here, I simply cannot fathom going through any of this again.  How can I literally risk my life at a long shot of having a second child?  How can I gamble his future on the hope of another child?

I will acknowledge that I do not know if this feeling is permanent or if it’s one of those emotions that will ebb and flow and come and go.  I really don’t know.

But I do know, the thought of knowingly doing something that will jeopardize Baby MPB’s future, simply isn’t an option in my heart or mind anymore.  I have too much too lose, and so does he and so does my husband.

And at the same time, I also feel as though I’ve spend the last 1.5 years fighting hard to get my healthy life back.  Counseling, excising, work, eating healthy, having fun for the sake of having fun, etc.  I’ve been fighting to rediscover the me that I lost.  Yet, truthfully, I don’t want to be just the old me, but rather a new me who has learned from all of it.  So, I am also fighting to discover the new me that I have become through all of this.

And so, I’m investing in my families future and working to live in the moment.  I’m by no means perfect, I know I still have so much work to do.  But, I can already see my hard work paying off and I won’t want to give that all up, and I’m truly afraid another pregnancy would take away all the progress I’ve made.

I do not want to go back to living in a state of perpetual loss and heartache.  In fact, I literally don’t think I can.

I realize I need to focus on life and living.

And so, right now, I’m done.  My body is officially out of any future family planning*.  And I’ll admit, just saying that last sentence is almost liberating, as though in some way I’m reclaiming my body.

And today I feel like I am saying that for the first time with real confidence and true conviction.

* Note that this doesn’t mean I’m completely shutting the door on a second child, it just means I’m confident that my body will not play a part in having a second child in the off chance we decide to have another.

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19 Comments on “A Profound Realization

  1. I remember how good it felt when I came to that decision too. Not that our experiences are at all the same, but after trying and dumping lots of money into it for 2 years, letting it go was a relief.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m happy that you’ve been able to come to this free state of mind. I know it’s been such a long road for you, and it’s perfectly understandable for you to feel this way. Enjoy your little man, and the new life you’ve created for yourself! You know that we’ll all be behind you no matter what happens…I’m just so glad that you’ve found your happiness and joy again. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is freeing. Knowing that your body is no longer responsible for the outcome of another living being is like long lost freedom.
    Good luck with whatever path you chose reg baby no 2.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Now that we’re close to start trying again, I’ve been through waves of hope this is my time, but the fear of going through another miscarriage is so strong and real. I need to believe a different outcome is possible, otherwise I don’t have the courage to try again. I don’t think I could do it if I already had a baby in my arms. I always wanted two children but now have accepted to having only one (if we are ever so lucky).
    I’m so glad you’re able to put it all behind you and focus on the wonderful little boy you have.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 💜💜💜 I’m not sure I ever want to be pregnant. I was just discussing with Tony about how I don’t ever want to go through another miscarriage and if I were to get pregnant that is a possibility. Nora is here and I’m grateful for her and I don’t want to take time away from her to grieve another loss.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Ditto the above comments. So glad you are able to make peace with this, it has not been an easy journey for you (understatement of the year) and I am so thrilled that you are a wonderful mother. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. How liberating. And while your decision did not come without hell and heartbreak it makes me happy for you that you can go on making happy memories. Much love!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Almost three years into our adoption and I totally agree with you. Every once in a while I get a little twinge of “I wonder what it would be like”, but never in a longing way. It’s more curiosity than anything. Glad you’re in a good place, it’s a good place to be!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Good for you!

    My situation is different: three ivf cycles led to my son, but my pregnancy was dreadful ending with six weeks in hospital, a seizure, and an emergency section seven weeks early. Like you I do not feel it is worth the risk to my life and the son I have to be pregnant again.

    It is very liberating for me to decide this.

    Not that anyone else believes me, unless I tell them the graphic details of last time.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m so glad you wrote this post and you’ve got to this point, as everyone says how wonderfully liberating for you. Like you, I’m choosing to put my living child first and not try again biologically at least. It’s been a tough road but I simply can’t face the risk of losing another child or what that would do to my living child. She, and we, have been through enough. We are now on the path to adoption and reading about your experience has been inspiring x

    Liked by 1 person

  11. That’s a biggy. I’m glad that you can take the strain off your body, get yourself back to feeling “you” and be happy, and revel in motherhood with your little bub! X

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I think that if I were in your shoes, I would probably come to feel the exact same way! Enjoy your little man and getting your life back after a very hard season!!!

    Like

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