10 Things That Finding Out Your Pregnant Again Does to a RPL Patient
Before I jump into this, remember, we are diagnosed with Unexplained Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL). This means that our version of infertility is that we have the conception part down pat. We excel at the baby making part. But, that’s it. Not one of our babies has made it through the first trimester, all dying at different times between weeks 5 and 11.
So, given this, what does it mean to me to find out we are pregnant again? It has just been 3 months since we found out baby number 4 was dead, and only 2 months after we completed the miscarriage. We knew we were going to try again, we knew it could happen this month. We know we excel at the baby making part of pregnancy, so we knew it wouldn’t take that long, and it obviously didn’t.
So, what does this news do to me?
- I wake up my husband to tell him there is a very faint line. I think we are pregnant again. He doesn’t care to look at the faint line – so he just goes back to sleep. I wish he would have woken up to confirm that I’m not just seeing things, but I guess when you are on pregnancy number 5, looking at 2 pink lines no longer has any excitement to it. The fears that I have, he simply doesn’t share in the same way. Yes, I know he has fears, but they are just not the same. I am honestly not mad at him for this, I get it. I really do.
- As practical as always, I phone the fertility clinic and leave a voicemail (there is no-way they are open at 7am on a Sunday). We need to get the process started. I will likely get a phone call back tomorrow, and then have blood work at some point tomorrow. We’ve asked not to do the every 48 hour blood work with this pregnancy – it stresses me out to much. So, assuming the Doctor continues to agree, the plan is one blood test to confirm pregnancy and then, we wait until the first ultrasound.
- All my fears are rushing back. Asides from this one point, I am not going to write about these fears today, because I don’t want to focus on the fears of a dead baby or going through another excruciating miscarriage. I cannot go there, I just cannot let those fears take over. How do I keep these fears at bay for the next few weeks, and hopefully months?
- I am currently obsessed with that faint line. Why is it so faint? Why isn’t it darker? Should I be worried? Is this one going to end before it even really starts? Rationally, I know I should be thinking that based on my cycle I’m just dating at 3w5days and it’s so early that the line should be faint?
- Do I test again? When do I test again? How many times do I pee on a stick? How much money do I feel like wasting?
- Who gets to know about number 5 from the start? Should I call or text anyone? Do we really even want to tell any of our family/friends? We have a few important weddings coming up, so it might just be best to keep things quite as not to detract from those celebrations.
- Does this mean contacting the adoption agency is on hold for now? I think it may, but I know it will still be bouncing around in my mind constantly. So, I just don’t know yet.
- How close can I get? How much of a bond should I form? What happens if I don’t? I didn’t last time, I attempted to “protect” myself. In some respects it worked. But honestly, can you really protect yourself from the devastation of losing your baby? The second that baby exists, you connect. Building walls doesn’t really work at the end of the day, but it still might happen.
- Can I let myself actually be excited? Do I dare?
- What if it works this time? What if baby 5, is our lucky baby? What if he/she is actually the one?? I have no idea how to actually be in a healthy pregnancy, let alone how to deal with actually having a child. Oh, how I hope I get to spend the next 9 months actually getting to worry about this outcome!
My Perfect Breakdown 
I wouldn’t trust a thing I say right now because I’m a hormonal and grief-stricken emotional mess myself right now with a history not unlike, just longer than, yours on this shame sh*t highway, but I wouldn’t put anything to do with adoption on hold if I were you. Anything can happen and agencies understand when life happens while people are trying to get their names on long waiting lists.
Sorry I’m too cynical to get excited for you or feel much of anything really, but I do hope this proves to be The One That Works. Good luck.
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Thank your comment. I completely get where you are at, like you said, we are on this same path and it totally sucks.
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Juts sending you light, love and hugs ❤
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Thank you! 🙂
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Yes. All of these things. It sucks that such a joyful moment becomes reduced to this, but that is the reality of RPL. I wish you lots of peace in the coming weeks!
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Thank you so much! My goal right now is to confirm that it is not a biochemical pregnancy. I’ll look beyond that when/if we get beyond that. One day at a time.
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I’m going to whisper this very quietly………..CONGRATULATIONS! I have absolutely everything crossed for you..glue, glue and more glue! xxxxxxxxxx
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I’ll just tell you what we plan on doing the next time (assuming there is a next time) we get pregnant. I will do NO google searching, I will eat very heatlhy, I will take it easy and I will rid my house/body of all toxic cleaning/beauty items.Other than that, I refuse to acknowledge the pregnancy. We will go through the motions of the appointments, we will smile during the ultrasound so our nurse doesn’t think we’re monsters, and we’ll take it day by day. I refuse to be even slightly happy or optimistic until 20 weeks, and even then it will be only mildly so.. There is just no joy left in pregnancy for me, I’ll be happy/ecstatic/overjoyed when a healthy baby arrives, but not a moment earlier. Anyway, how’s that for my twisted way to tell you that i hope everything goes well? 🙂
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I like your plan, and its pretty much just like ours. Except, I’m okay with the nurses thinking I’m a monster, its part of the pregnancy experience for me now, and they will have to deal. 🙂
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I completely understand where you are coming from hon. I’m 9 weeks, 2 days today which is the furthest I’ve gotten in pregnancy since I was pregnant with my son in 2009, and that one ended with him being delivered very early at the end of my 27 week and our son only survived for 3 months in the NICU. So even though, we’ve made it further than a lot of our pregnancies, I’m not for one minute resting easy right now. It just sucks that the peace and joy that others feel when they see that positive test has been robbed from us. I will just say this, we have to get pregnant again to even have a chance at a healthy pregnancy. Praying so hard this is the one!
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I’m so excited that you’ve made it to 9 weeks, 2 days!
Thank you for your support. You are definitely right, if we don’t at least try, then it will never happen.
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Hoping everything goes smoothly for you. Fingers crossed!
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Thank you!
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All. Of. This. I also have unexplained RPL and have had 4 miscarriages in two years. All of this. I will send good juju your way!
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Thank you. I hate that anyone has to know what we have been through. I just hate this! But, I truly appreciate your good juju! We need all we can get, as I strongly suspect this one will not even make it through week 5 – symptoms are not great. I should know more tomorrow….I hope.
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#3-#6 resonate so much with me. I’m sorry you have to go through this time and time again. It’s not fair!
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