A Little Bit More About Our Embryo Donation Decision

Yesterday I shared that we said no to the donor embryo’s.  But, I neglected to mention a few things, because I felt it most important to share that we had made a decision.  But, like most things, there was even more that we considered and decided/realized in coming to our decision.

First, the other family who is interested in the embryo’s indicated they may be willing to be a gestational carrier for us in the future, if they can try for a child for them first and assuming there are enough embryos left for another attempt for us.  Honestly, it felt like a pretty significant offer, and something we had to discuss.  But, in the end, we decided this just wasn’t something we were ready to commit to for a few reasons:

  • We feel pretty strongly that no-one can predict if they will want to be pregnant for someone else in a few years time.  Assuming they get pregnant with one of the embryo’s, who knows what their pregnancy would be like and how they’d feel about carrying for someone else in the future.
  • While this offer is pretty impressive, it’s not something we were prepared to agree to without a lot more discussions and knowledge of the possible gestational carrier.  We don’t know this other family and I would assume when agreeing to using a gestational carrier we need to discuss things like the individuals mental health, physical health, payment, etc.  There is so much more that we’d need to discuss that we aren’t even close to being ready to figure out.
  • We still don’t understand the Canadian gestational carrier laws.  Seriously, I’m still confused by it all.
  • We don’t know if we want a second child, and making any sort of agreement to potentially have a second child just doesn’t feel right to us.  Somehow it feels unfair to those little embryos – as if we’d be committing to them, but also knowing in our hearts that we aren’t fully committed.

Second, we did state that if the other family decides not to proceed for any reason, we would be willing to pay for a year of freezing to give us more time to think about growing our family.  Basically, we want the other family to have their chance now, while they are ready, no strings attached (at least no strings attached from us).  But if, for whatever reason it’s not right for them, then we would be interested in keeping the option open since the cost of another year of freezing is pretty minimal.

Third, and probably most important to Mr. MPB and I, is our realization that we simply may never be ready for a second child.  Honestly, if we could have children like “normal” fertile people and weren’t in massive amounts of adoption debt with significant fears around pregnancy, we are both pretty much positive we’d have another one.  But, that’s just not our reality, so there is no point in going there.  And, Mr. MPB is pretty set in his opinion that Baby MPB is all he needs and wants when it comes to having kids.  And, while I’m not quiet there yet, I also realize a lot of the reasons I want a second child (i.e. past dream for two children, sibling friends, more baby love) are not reasons enough to try for a second child, especially because of everything we will have to go through for a second child regardless if we chose embryo adoption or any form of adoption again.

So, I guess, to sum it all up, I think at the moment both Mr. MPB and I are pretty realistic that we may be one and done.  But, we are not quite at the point of saying no to the possibility of a second child one day.  Instead, at the moment we have simply said no to the possibility of a second child via gestational carrier right now.  And maybe one day we’ll re-consider, but we just aren’t ready to make a final decision today.

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13 Comments on “A Little Bit More About Our Embryo Donation Decision

  1. It’s really hard being on the fence about a second child. I emphatically say no frequently, but if our circumstances were different I’d say yes in a heartbeat. So really, my no is more like “not now and maybe not ever but if things change, maybe.” It’s complicated, right?

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  2. While I have been on an aggressive pursuit for a sibling for some while, I can actually totally see why having one child has its strength. Some of my very best friends are only children and my favorite little one (besides my son) is an only child. They are all happy and social and lovely. At the same time I have friends whose little ones are close in age and the fighting and family dynamic is miserable. So really my reason for pursuing a sibling seems a bit outdated and not really accurate. I think the fact that you have thought this out so much is really smart. Honestly my emotions just propelled me through it all. Besides- let’s face it, if you are going to have one child then baby MPB is the absolute dream one to have. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is so true. With one child, they fit into your life and just blend in. It’s easy to take one kid out to dinner (we did it multiple nights a week before Bryson came along), it’s easy to travel with just one, it’s lovely to give them your full attention, and it’s easy to leave them with the other parent for some alone time because you know you’re not ditching them with a hard situation. There are a LOT of positives! And… My kids get along great, they’re best friends. My friends kids… Not so much. It’s a crap shoot. You can’t force friendship on them no matter how hard you try. We got lucky, and that’s all it was. It’s nothing we did to make them like each other!

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  3. That was incredibly generous of them to offer to carry a baby for you in the future. It’s understandable why you can’t commit to something like that at this time though. That’s a heavy situation, and who knows where you (or they) will be in a few year’s time. Maybe if you change your mind at some point in the future you can contact them, but no sense making a firm answer on it at this point. At least with this decision made, it takes one of your big stressors off the table, and you can focus more of your energy on your little. Give him a squish from me!

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  4. That makes a lot of sense. Amazing how much there is for people like us to consider, compared to the “normal” fertiles. How boring for them, huh? 😉

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  5. If I may share my second child story, ( u already know it), but There was a time when we thought if we truly even wanted a second child after what we went through to have G. but then, today when I look back I wonder how empty we would be without A had we not decided to try and see what happens.

    Ofcourse it meant going through miscarriage(s) again and to be honest I still dont know if I would have continued trying had we not gotten lucky with A.

    So if you do not wish to try for another baby be sure its absolutely what you want for eternity and not because its too expensive right now or not the time now. You both are young,
    Maybe 5 yeara down the line everythinf changes! Put a max time frame on how long you are willing to invest in your family.

    Sending you tonnes of love.

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    • I am so glad your story has a happy ending and you are happy with where you are. I think making a claim that ‘life would have been empty’ without your second one shows how much your little one has your heart (sweet) but can be a little misconstrued to communicate MPB will feel empty without a second child. I imagine this is nowhere near your intention but I am just fiercely protective of her so wanted to let you clarify :). Xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • No no not my intention at all. Thr Mpb’s are a young couple, all I want is for them to be truly sure that baby Mpb is going to be an only child. And not because of legality, cost, etc etc. These are variables, whats true today may change tomorrow.

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      • And I am not happy where I am, which is why I want them to be truly sure. Id love for a 3rd but I
        Simply cannot afford both monetarily and age esp since I am a prime RPL candidate. So Ive made peace with what we have, but I so wish things were different and I do not wish the MPB’s to feel the same where they feel one is enough based on circumstances today as they are variable
        :)) hope i make sense.

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      • You so do. I am so sorry you have that desire for a third and the barriers in place. IF/ RPL is just continuously cruel. It sounds like you are simply passing on your experience to help give MPB perspective. I appreciate your further insight and wish you all the best. Xo

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank yo for sharing more about this. From your thoughtful deliberation about this issue I think you have come to a solid decision.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It sounds like this would be such a difficult decision to make. So long as you feel that what ever path you choose is the right one for you, then that is the right thing to do.

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