Riddles and Rhymes
I’ve been a bad blogger. You see, I’m sitting over here in my corner of the world having some sort of emotional crisis over the last few weeks and I haven’t shared the whole truth. There is more going on in my little mind, and it just donned on me that this thing is probably part of my recent struggles.
I should be excited by it and I am. Kind of.
Truthfully, I’m also half petrified.
This thing that’s going on isn’t just my story to share, so I didn’t share it. But, then I started to realize that I was bottling some important stuff up, and that’s never a good thing for my mental health. As the other people involved (who shall remain nameless at this point in time) know about my blog I didn’t feel comfortable sharing without their permission. So, I finally asked them if it was okay if I write about it and they said yes.
I’ve realized that while I’ve been silent on the subject, my mind has been working in overdrive.
All the scary stuff started entering my mind. You know the stuff – all the baggage that comes along with having survived Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.
So, let me back up about a month. And I’ll stop speaking in riddles and rhymes.
A very dear friend and amazing women (and her spouse) have lovingly offered Mr. MPB and I their remaining embryos. In doing so she was completely compassionate and understood that this might be emotional for me/us. She also gave us permission to ask any questions that we need/want to and that we can take our time to think everything through.
This is a big deal. Like, huge deal.
This means a second child is within the realm of possibilities.
A possible second child that we have spent months/years convincing ourselves that we don’t need/want because we are so incredibly fortune to have Baby MPB. And, honestly at this point we know that adoption isn’t something we can handle again from both an ethical and financial perspective, at least not right now as it’s all so fresh. Also, I am still absolutely opposed to utilizing my uterus since it is simply a place where babies go to die (sorry for being blunt, but that is how I still feel).
To say that this has thrown me would be an understatement. Honestly, the opportunity to have a second child brought me to tears. We love Baby MPB so very much (understatement of the day) and the thought of being able to raise another child and give Baby MPB a sibling is just so unbelievably amazing. I always pictured having 2 children, and to once again even be able to think about this being a possibility is pretty surreal. I am some sort of combination of honoured, humbled and completely overcome with love that they would even consider us.
Yet, I cannot lie, the more I thought about this, the realities of bringing another child to our arms also scares the F*$! out of me/us. Like I said, there is a lot of baggage that comes along with surviving Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and having lost way too many babies way too early. The thought of a pregnancy (even if it’s via a gestational carrier) just isn’t something that’s easy for me to wrap my mind around.
We are many, many, many steps away from making this a reality. Yet, I’ve realized I need to write about this as I try to put all my thoughts into words as we try to find our best path forward, so please bear with me as I work through all of this. There’s a lot to think about – a lot to be excited about, and a lot to worry about. And even more, there is a lot to logistically try to work through if we all choose to proceed.
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