Riddles and Rhymes

I’ve been a bad blogger.  You see, I’m sitting over here in my corner of the world having some sort of emotional crisis over the last few weeks and I haven’t shared the whole truth.  There is more going on in my little mind, and it just donned on me that this thing is probably part of my recent struggles.

I should be excited by it and I am.  Kind of.

Truthfully, I’m also half petrified.

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This thing that’s going on isn’t just my story to share, so I didn’t share it.  But, then I started to realize that I was bottling some important stuff up, and that’s never a good thing for my mental health.  As the other people involved (who shall remain nameless at this point in time) know about my blog I didn’t feel comfortable sharing without their permission.  So, I finally asked them if it was okay if I write about it and they said yes.

I’ve realized that while I’ve been silent on the subject, my mind has been working in overdrive.

All the scary stuff started entering my mind.  You know the stuff – all the baggage that comes along with having survived Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.

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So, let me back up about a month.  And I’ll stop speaking in riddles and rhymes.

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A very dear friend and amazing women (and her spouse) have lovingly offered Mr. MPB and I their remaining embryos.  In doing so she was completely compassionate and understood that this might be emotional for me/us.  She also gave us permission to ask any questions that we need/want to and that we can take our time to think everything through.

This is a big deal.  Like, huge deal.

This means a second child is within the realm of possibilities.

A possible second child that we have spent months/years convincing ourselves that we don’t need/want because we are so incredibly fortune to have Baby MPB.  And, honestly at this point we know that adoption isn’t something we can handle again from both an ethical and financial perspective, at least not right now as it’s all so fresh.  Also, I am still absolutely opposed to utilizing my uterus since it is simply a place where babies go to die (sorry for being blunt, but that is how I still feel).

To say that this has thrown me would be an understatement. Honestly, the opportunity to have a second child brought me to tears.  We love Baby MPB so very much (understatement of the day) and the thought of being able to raise another child and give Baby MPB a sibling is just so unbelievably amazing.  I always pictured having 2 children, and to once again even be able to think about this being a possibility is pretty surreal.  I am some sort of combination of honoured, humbled and completely overcome with love that they would even consider us.

Yet, I cannot lie, the more I thought about this, the realities of bringing another child to our arms also scares the F*$! out of me/us.  Like I said, there is a lot of baggage that comes along with surviving Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and having lost way too many babies way too early.  The thought of a pregnancy (even if it’s via a gestational carrier) just isn’t something that’s easy for me to wrap my mind around.

We are many, many, many steps away from making this a reality.  Yet, I’ve realized I need to write about this as I try to put all my thoughts into words as we try to find our best path forward, so please bear with me as I work through all of this.  There’s a lot to think about – a lot to be excited about, and a lot to worry about.  And even more, there is a lot to logistically try to work through if we all choose to proceed.

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19 Comments on “Riddles and Rhymes

  1. That is a lot to deal with.

    What a generous gift!!! But I completely understand how terrifying pregnancy is (even pregnancy of other people) when you have gone through RPL.

    There is no rush to make a decision, and if it seems overwhelming sometimes, you don’t have to think about it. It is completely up to you and DH on what you feel comfortable with. You are not obligated to use them if you don’t feel comfortable, and that is okay too.

    Whatever and whenever you decide, you have support here.

    Stay well friend.

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  2. I think it is a lovely and very generous offer! Sometimes a strong embryo can overcome all the perils of a “killer” uterus. Like mine for example.

    I think having Baby MPB around might help you conceive and keep the baby. Nothing is impossible..

    I myself am terrified with my failed ivfs and even failed donor egg treatments – so much that i myself consider my uterus to be a place where babies die but sometimes we have to just give it a try … we never know whar surprises us! 😍😚

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  3. Wow. That is incredible and scary. I told my husband that I wanted to wait a couple months to decide to try again. Some days, I’m like, of course, yes. Other days I’m like…no way. I will keep you in my thoughts this week and on into the future. I get it no matter which way you ultimately go.

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  4. Thank you for sharing this with us. Wow! Major decision is an understatement! Sending support to you and your husband as you work through it! ❀

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  5. I have been wondering if something else has been bothering you.

    This is a very big deal. It is exciting. It is terrifying. It is beyond your wildest dreams. The good thing is that those embryos are frozen and aren’t going anywhere. Take your time.

    Having frozen embryos myself, I have to ask, do you know the grade/quality of each embryo? You don’t need to tell me, but I encourage you to ask that if you don’t know yet. If you’re going to give this serious thought, which it sounds like you are, that information will be helpful in setting realistic expectations. Having gone through 8 “perfect” 4AA-BA and 5AA-AB embryos to get two kids, expectation setting is very important for your mind. Also, if you progress, if the embryos have not been screened yet, you can still do that with frozen ones. That helps whittle them down to just the chromosomally normal ones and makes embryo selection easier. Here in Iowa, it costs about $5000 to do that for the entire batch of embryos. If we were going to transfer again, we’d for sure screen them first. Screening increases success rates and when you’re using a carrier, you only want to do it once. πŸ˜‰

    So… Not to give you more to worry about, but some information that may help you decide what to do.

    All that being said, I’m super excited for you. 😁

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  6. Oh wow that is huge! I know you do not know what you are going to do yet but I know you will figure out what works best for your family. I will be thinking of you. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a beautiful offer. You must have such an amazing friendship with these people. I can’t even begin to imagine how many thoughts and feelings are bombarding your every waking moment as you think about the new option on your table. My thoughts are with you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh, wow. That is a lot to think about and deal with. I can imagine that must be taking a toll on you. I know you’ll take the time to really think about it, though. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  9. That’s a lovely, beautiful offer. You and Mr. MPB have so much to think over, but if I may… take a moment to bask in the fact you have such wonderful humans in your life. Human beings, man… Sometimes we’re the greatest.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Wow what an amazing gift. What wonderful people to do this. It makes perfect sense why you have been so stressed, it is a massive decision. I know you will work through this and make a decision that is right for you, Mr MPB & baby MPB.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. That’s such a HUGE and amazing thing all at once. I know how much you’ve wanted a sibling for baby MPB and this is such an amazing way for that to happen. I’m 7-10 weeks from delivering #2 and scared shitless myself. I honestly don’t think any woman in her right mind wouldn’t be scared to bring another life into this world. It’s scary……super scary. Honestly I have second thoughts all the time about having 2….and he’s already almost here.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Wow! Sounds amazing and complicated! Definitely thinking of you and excited about the possibilities. You can always turn it down, but to have this gift of an option is wonderful. I will be sitting with you in friendship as you make this difficult decision. Xo

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Whoa, that is a generous gift, but it comes with so many complications…not the least of which is the emotional door that is thrown wide open with the thought of another pregnancy, even through gestational carrier. Interestingly enough we had a somewhat similar wrench thrown in the works in the last couple weeks that I can’t write about yet, and so I don’t envy you the choices and t-charts and decision making conversations ahead of you. Best of luck as you make your way through this interesting development!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Wow, this is pretty big! I have no real advice for you on this one, and I’m not even sure I can imagine how you must be feeling about all of this. What does Mr say about it? If you accept this gift, would you try to carry them yourself, or would you want a surrogate? I know before baby came along that surrogacy was something that was among your questioned choices. (Not asking because I necessarily want your answers/opinions on these, they’re meant to be hypothetical questions to help you try to logic/think through this!) There’s just so much to think about, and by no means do you have to try to make these decisions quickly I hope! It’s incredibly generous of your friend to make this offer to you. No wonder you’ve been stressing out, on top of everything else that’s been going on. Just try to take things one at a time, and things that are’t urgent try to put on the back burner until you get some of the other stuff taken care of. I’ll be thinking about you, and I’ll be here for you whatever you need!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m wow and whaaaat? What a big gift and big mental challenge. I think you know that for me personally I have always wanted 2+ kids and having another one is something I just know in my bones I must do in order to feel any semblance of peace. But that is just me. I think that someone has offered this gift is a true depiction of how amazing and oh so worthy you are. Xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  16. That is big news! Scary but wonderful, I can understand why it’s been a heavy burden on your mind. Wishing you some peace and clarity in your thoughts that lead you to a decision- even if that takes a year, take the time you need. The embies will be good for tomorrow, 5 months, or 5 years X

    Liked by 1 person

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