Miscarriage: Innocence Gone Forever?
The other day we were innocently going about our business. We were in a social setting, meeting new people.
A women walked into the room, with her toddler and a very clearly pregnant belly.
The toddler and the pregnancy didn’t bother me. In fact, I could have basically cared less.
I didn’t make a made dash to avoid her. I didn’t try to hide behind my husband. I didn’t pretend to be engrossed in another conversation. I didn’t try to run to another room.
Instead, I suspect Baby MPB’s cuteness drew her towards me. Evidently, I’m now part of the mommy club and so she started talking to me about all things mommy/baby.
I didn’t ask her about her pregnancy, as I never do (in part out of an irrational fear that maybe I’m a pregnancy jinx and in part out of years of avoiding conversations about others pregnancies). But, as we chatted, I quickly learned that she’s 22 weeks pregnant with twins. I learned about how they never planned on having 3 children. How they never expected twins, they aren’t in either family. She’s nervous about having a toddler and infant twins. They are regretting the home reno that saw them remove the third children’s room in favour of a larger master en-suite/closet.
As I held my son (probably a little tighter then normal), I was mostly okay with the conversation.
I handled all that talk of pregnancy like an old pro. Heck, I’m sure she thought I was on old pro as our son’s adoption story never came up in conversation.
And so, I thought to myself: This is progress! I’m finally becoming normal.
But, then, all of the sudden, my reality sunk in as she shared that her pregnancy is high risk. The goal is viability.
Damn you infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss / miscarriage. You’ve ruined my innocence and I’m realizing I may never get it back.
I understand every single word she shared. Even though I never made it to 22 weeks with any of our babies, I know what bed rest at 22 weeks means. I know what the goal of making it to viability means.
While I never walked in her shoes (nor would I pretend to have) I do understand and appreciate the risks she and her unborn children are facing.
And I’m reminded once again that, no matter what my future brings, that loss will always be part of me.
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