Miscarriage: Innocence Gone Forever?

The other day we were innocently going about our business.  We were in a social setting, meeting new people.

A women walked into the room, with her toddler and a very clearly pregnant belly.

The toddler and the pregnancy didn’t bother me.  In fact, I could have basically cared less.

I didn’t make a made dash to avoid her. I didn’t try to hide behind my husband.  I didn’t pretend to be engrossed in another conversation.  I didn’t try to run to another room.

Instead, I suspect Baby MPB’s cuteness drew her towards me.  Evidently, I’m now part of the mommy club and so she started talking to me about all things mommy/baby.

 

I didn’t ask her about her pregnancy, as I never do (in part out of an irrational fear that maybe I’m a pregnancy jinx and in part out of years of avoiding conversations about others pregnancies).  But, as we chatted, I quickly learned that she’s 22 weeks pregnant with twins.  I learned about how they never planned on having 3 children.  How they never expected twins, they aren’t in either family.  She’s nervous about having a toddler and infant twins. They are regretting the home reno that saw them remove the third children’s room in favour of a larger master en-suite/closet.

As I held my son (probably a little tighter then normal), I was mostly okay with the conversation.

I handled all that talk of pregnancy like an old pro.  Heck, I’m sure she thought I was on old pro as our son’s adoption story never came up in conversation.

And so, I thought to myself: This is progress!  I’m finally becoming normal.

.

But, then, all of the sudden, my reality sunk in as she shared that her pregnancy is high risk.  The goal is viability.

.

Damn you infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss / miscarriage.  You’ve ruined my innocence and I’m realizing I may never get it back.

I understand every single word she shared.  Even though I never made it to 22 weeks with any of our babies, I know what bed rest at 22 weeks means.  I know what the goal of making it to viability means.

While I never walked in her shoes (nor would I pretend to have) I do understand and appreciate the risks she and her unborn children are facing.

And more then anything, I know what loss is. Loss of a tiny child’s life.  Loss of hope.  Loss of a dream.

.

And I’m reminded once again that, no matter what my future brings, that loss will always be part of me.

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11 Comments on “Miscarriage: Innocence Gone Forever?

  1. So true. The innocence for me is definitely gone forever. But, it grew compassion and connection. I wouldn’t want to go through it again to gain the wisdom, but I do appreciate it because it softened me. She is a few weeks away from viability. I will be thinking of her! Yesterday I went to an appointment and there was a couple with a very small child. I asked how many weeks old he was and the mother said, “4 months, he was born early.” Then when they asked me about my pregnancy and learned I was a week away from my due date, I felt conflicted. Here I was, looking happy and pregnant and…normal…and all I wanted to say is, “I had a baby too early too. I had several too early…I understand what fear you had.” Instead, I just listened and tried not to seem totally out of touch. We were in an elevator and it just didn’t seem like the right time to launch into a story about dead babies when hers was there, thriving so well in this world! So, anyway, miscarriage is always going to be part of our fabric, even with our healthy sons! Thought-provoking post!

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  2. i cant get over my chemical pregnancies that had finally happened after years of trying and treatments – then i also think of women who miscarry much later into the pregnancy -miscarriages must be /are a much bigger deal. I hope you forget about ur past pains soon from the happiness you get by having Baby MPB around u

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have chills reading this. I know what a fragile gestational period she is in and how what a difference a matter of a few more weeks will make. I do hope that she has a successful pregnancy and that her babies stay put for as long as possible. And yes it seems like we are reminded of our past and of the risk of pregnancy more than we would like even with our babies in our arms.

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  4. I wish there was something to take away the issues we carry with us from IF and RPL, but I don’t think there is. I have a hard time being happy for anyone who announces a pregnancy “too early” because I worry that they’ll learn too quickly that a live baby isn’t always the outcome. I cringe when someone says, “we’ve been trying for a year and I’m sure everything is fine,” because I know it’s not and I know what’s coming for them. It’s sort of like mini-reliving it for a moment before I buck up and feign excitement.

    I’m glad the toddler/pregnant belly combo didn’t bother you!!!

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  5. Your positivity really inspires me. I find myself becoming so negative, and I’ve never experienced a loss (of a pregnancy, although I have experienced the loss of fertility), and after all your losses you still stay positive, and you have so much empathy. That’s awesome!

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  6. Those experiences stick with you no matter what. They’re a part of the story. Every time I see twins, I look at Charlotte and wonder what it would have been like if we’d been able to keep both of our babies.

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  7. I hope that everything goes okay with the rest of her pregnancy, and the 3 of them come out the other side happy and healthy.
    This is something that’s been at the very forefront of my mind recently, though I’ve refused to talk about it really. I’m a high risk pregnancy. I’m less than a week from viability. Though things are going well, it’s something I’ve thought about constantly. If we can get through this week, this baby will have a more than 50% chance of making it out alive.
    It’s so very sad that we all think this way. It’s so very sad that we can’t all just be happy for ourselves or each other and just blindly think that everything will be fine. It’s so very sad that we all know the ugly, dark side of trying to have a family.
    I’m sorry you were brought back to that mental place. Give baby a hug and kiss from me! *hugs*

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  8. I always say that I would rather never get pregnant than to have a miscarriage, esp later term one. Myself, I had 2 chemicals and 1 mc at 6 weeks, so I know how it feels. I kept crying when they took me for d&c and I will never forget that. I hope that lady will have a happy outcome and I hope there’s someone to help her with the toddler at this crucial time.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can relate to this. Like Courtney said, I always inwardly cringe when people announce early. And even though we have told a few people – we have heavily caveated with the idea that we are worried about loss and are only telling because we have to. I don’t take it for granted at all that the pregnancy will go any further.

    I didn’t blog about this but when I was at Dr S’ clinic the other day, there was a woman there with tears running down her face. It made me feel so sad for her because I know what it is like. She wasn’t obviously pregnant but must have received bad news. Her husband was there looking awkward and she had her face in her hands and was crying. I wanted to cry myself even though we had received reassuring news. Luckily the lovely midwife took her off to a private room. But it reminded me that everyone who goes to Dr S’ clinic knows about loss.

    Sending you hugs. Xx

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