Breaking Up With Hope?
I have thought a lot about hope these last few days.
I find that hope has been my guiding compass for the last few years. As a deeply confused Christian, at best, hope has meant the world to me. My faith has always been placed within the confines of hope and science (although, I will not be talking about science today). I have always held onto the hope that tomorrow would be better, hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel, a healthy baby at the end of our journey.
The darkest moments in my life – when we lost each one of our five babies – have been the lowest I’ve ever felt. Often in these dark moments, I have not had hope to turn to. Once the low fetal heart rate was confirmed, my hope for our baby to continue to grow, develop and ultimately live vanished, as I was all too aware of what this diagnosis meant. If anything, I began hoping that it would be over quickly so that my baby and I would both stop suffering. And this is definitely a twisted version of hope.
So, this last week, when we found it that my body has been killing our babies, and that it is unlikley we will be able to afford the treatment plan which will be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, I started thinking really hard about my relationship with hope. In fact, I’ve thought very hard about officially ending my relationship with hope.
Do I need hope in my life, when hope doesn’t seem to do anything for me?
How do I keep hoping, knowing that everything we’ve been dreaming and trying so freaking hard to achieve is likely never going to happen the way we wanted?
Does my heart have space for hope anymore?
It turns out, the answer to all of these questions is simple.
I need hope. In fact, I probably need hope, more then she needs me.
I cannot imagine a life without hope. I need to know that there is a chance for a better tomorrow. I need to know that tomorrow can be a better day. I need to know that even when everything appears to dark and so freaking hard, that there is reason to keep going.
So, I guess for now I will not be breaking up with hope. Even though we are having a rough time right now, and hope doesn’t seem to be on my side, I cannot turn my back and walk away.
I know times are tough right now, but deep down I also know that things will turn around. Eventually we will figure out what leaf to turn over next and what path to walk down. Eventually we will move out of our current state of uncertainty and indecision. Eventually we will choose a path full of hope.
That decision could unfold in many ways, and I am confident that whatever path we eventually choose will be filled with hope. We may decide to remain childless, and have hope for a fulfilling life through things like our professional lives, volunteering, watching our nieces and nephews grow up, traveling, time with each other, etc. Or we may choose to seriously invest ourselves into finding a surrogate, and have hope that someone else can carry our child for us. Or, we may get over all the fears that have been holding us back and jump into adoption with open hearts, knowing that we will have a family.
No matter the path we choose, hope will be at our side. I will let my heart and soul invest in hope, because life without hope is just too depressing for me to even consider.
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