Breaking Up With Hope?

I have thought a lot about hope these last few days.

I find that hope has been my guiding compass for the last few years. As a deeply confused Christian, at best, hope has meant the world to me. My faith has always been placed within the confines of hope and science (although, I will not be talking about science today).  I have always held onto the hope that tomorrow would be better, hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel, a healthy baby at the end of our journey.

The darkest moments in my life – when we lost each one of our five babies – have been the lowest I’ve ever felt. Often in these dark moments, I have not had hope to turn to. Once the low fetal heart rate was confirmed, my hope for our baby to continue to grow, develop and ultimately live vanished, as I was all too aware of what this diagnosis meant.  If anything, I began hoping that it would be over quickly so that my baby and I would both stop suffering. And this is definitely a twisted version of hope.

So, this last week, when we found it that my body has been killing our babies, and that it is unlikley we will be able to afford the treatment plan which will be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, I started thinking really hard about my relationship with hope.  In fact, I’ve thought very hard about officially ending my relationship with hope.

 

Do I need hope in my life, when hope doesn’t seem to do anything for me?

How do I keep hoping, knowing that everything we’ve been dreaming and trying so freaking hard to achieve is likely never going to happen the way we wanted?

Does my heart have space for hope anymore?

 

It turns out, the answer to all of these questions is simple.

I need hope. In fact, I probably need hope, more then she needs me.

I cannot imagine a life without hope. I need to know that there is a chance for a better tomorrow. I need to know that tomorrow can be a better day. I need to know that even when everything appears to dark and so freaking hard, that there is reason to keep going.

So, I guess for now I will not be breaking up with hope. Even though we are having a rough time right now, and hope doesn’t seem to be on my side, I cannot turn my back and walk away.

I know times are tough right now, but deep down I also know that things will turn around. Eventually we will figure out what leaf to turn over next and what path to walk down. Eventually we will move out of our current state of uncertainty and indecision. Eventually we will choose a path full of hope.

That decision could unfold in many ways, and I am confident that whatever path we eventually choose will be filled with hope. We may decide to remain childless, and have hope for a fulfilling life through things like our professional lives, volunteering, watching our nieces and nephews grow up, traveling, time with each other, etc. Or we may choose to seriously invest ourselves into finding a surrogate, and have hope that someone else can carry our child for us. Or, we may get over all the fears that have been holding us back and jump into adoption with open hearts, knowing that we will have a family.

No matter the path we choose, hope will be at our side. I will let my heart and soul invest in hope, because life without hope is just too depressing for me to even consider.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

39 Comments on “Breaking Up With Hope?

  1. Couldn’t have said it better. Hope is funny thing. It’s very hard to hold onto, and, for me, I want to drop kick it over the moon. But whenever it’s gone, there is such a void, a real emptiness. It’s one of those “can’t live with it, can’t live without it” type of things. Thanks for hanging onto hope and sharing with us. It’s encouraging. Prayers for you!

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    • Thank you for this comment of understanding my struggles with hope and sharing your perspective. I love the visualization of kicking it over the moon! And thank you for your encouragement to continue to share our lives and our experiences.

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  2. Oh I am so glad you are still holding onto hope! They say hope is the dynamite stick and faith is what lights it and makes what you want to come alive. Without both, you have nothing. xoxo

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  3. It is amazing to witness the shifting tides of your thoughts and feelings over the past couple of weeks. While I am so sad to know the likely diagnoses you can expect and my heart *hurts* knowing how this has devastated – and will again devastate – you and Mr. MPB, I feel touched and inspired to note the undercurrent of resilience and a love of life for life’s sake that *is* who you are. You are a survivor – even in your most broken moments – and that’s not a title any of us wants to wear in this forum. But more than a survivor, you are a bright light with an open heart that speaks volumes. I am sending love and so much peace and hope your way, every day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, thank you so much for your kind words. While, you are right, the tides of our thoughts are shifting and evolving through the process, it doesn’t mean every day is an easy day or that we wont again have devastating days. But for today, I am going to continue to hold onto hope, and see what tomorrow brings.
      I hope you have a good visit with Dr. B!

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  4. Hope is a tricky son of a bitch especially in the battle of rpl, infertility, etc. I love this post, it is beautiful and heart wrenching. Sending you a ton of everything right now.

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  5. I often want to break up with hope too, but somehow manage to cling on even when there is no logical reason to keep hoping. It’s exhausting, but I have to believe that no matter how long it takes, there is hope for the future. And I agree with you, the future might not be what I expect it to look like (as if my life has ever followed according to my plan) but I do know that I can hope for beautiful things in the future. Whether it’s through foster parenting, adopting, or just learning to find joy in a childless life with my husband. If I’m still living, it means that God still has a good plan and purpose for me in the world. Right now I just have to be patient in the waiting and trust that bigger and better things are down the road. Stay strong and keep sharing hope with the world. You are doing an awesome work with your blog ministry and you are an encouragement for so many women in need. XOXO

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    • Thank you so much for such a wonderful comment. I love that you understand my relationship with hope and you are so right, it can be so exhausting at times!
      And thank you for your encouragement to continue to share our journey – some days it is hard, but I started sharing with the hope of helping others know they are not alone, and it means so much to know that you believe I am helping others. Thank you.

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  6. I am really glad to hear that you are not giving up on hope. On my dark days it is that glimmer of hope that always pulls me through. Especially for the process you are going through I feel that hope is vital. I have just had a bunch of specialist appointments where it felt as though with each appointment there was more bad news, hope kept me going. Many of these appointments my Husband couldn’t make due to work so hope came with me.

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    • I am sorry that you have had a bunch of bad news specialist appointments! It is so hard to hold onto hope when all we seem to get is bad news heaped on top of a mound of existing bad news. I am so relieved to hear that you have also been able to hold onto hope throughout everything.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. You’re right it is hard. Sometimes I lose sight of hope for a second, but I have learnt to go looking for it again. To take time out and talk myself back into hope 🙂 It might sounds crazy to some, but I am sure you have done this yourself.
        I am not going to lie though, I have considered going and getting it tattooed on my wrist so I have a reminder hahaha

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  7. Thank you for writing this! I have been searching hope for a long time. It is like hide and seek game and I have been on the loosing end so far. I am hoping to regain the confidence of finding her, one day!

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    • I do hope you are able to re-unite with hope in a meaningful way sooner rather then later! It’s definitely a hard, rocky and exhausting relationships at time, but for me I know its a necessary relationship.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so happy you’re keeping your relationship with hope hon. You’re absolutely right. As hard as it is to hold on to hope when life hits you hard, it’s a far darker place to be without it. Big hug!

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  9. Hope and I have always had a very rocky relationship. I know our situations are so very different but I know how it feels to be told your body is not doing and will never do what it *should*. It is hard to keep hope in your life when your knowledge of and belief in your body changes and all but disappears.
    Keep clinging on to that hope. It may not happen in the way you thought it might but you will find a resolution.

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    • Thank you for sharing your understanding of hope – you are right, it is a very rocky relationship especially when it is your body that betrays you. I hope you too are able to cling to hope even at your hardest moments.

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  10. This probably has to be one of my favorite posts that I’ve ever read. I can relate so much and I’m so glad you’re not giving up. I couldn’t imagine life without hope either.. some days it’s all that keeps me going.

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  11. Pingback: On New Year’s Resolutions & Taking Back My Life | My Perfect Breakdown

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