I Still Wish

My periods have been a bit wonky so my doctor wanted to make sure my insides are all good.  So, I had some blood work done a few weeks ago and an ultrasound yesterday.  (Blood work is all good and we are expecting the ultrasound results to come back normal, so I’m not worried).

After going through recurrent pregnancy loss / multiple miscarriages and infertility investigations, I’m an old pro at ultrasounds.  Let’s be real, in 3 years of infertility hell, I’ve had more heads, hands and medical devises shoved between my legs then I ever thought I would in my entire life.  Heck, I remember once upon a time I was naive enough that I never even knew a dildo-cam existed!  You know, back when I didn’t even know what a Reproductive Endocrinologist is, or what a Sonohysterogram or Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) are.  Infertility totally destroyed my nativity when it comes to baby-making.

Of course, in my part of the world, gynecological ultrasounds are done at the same place as obstetrics ultrasounds.  Thankfully, I managed to book my appointment at a new ultrasound clinic so I didn’t have to go back to a clinic where I had to be told I was losing a baby or my baby no longer had a heartbeat.  Because who wants to sit in the very same room they were told their baby was no longer viable?  Definitely not me!

Anyways, as I’ve had a few post-infertility ultrasounds, I didn’t expect this one to be as traumatic as the first non-pregnant ultrasound.  I knew the ultrasound process and the routine questions I’ll be asked:

  • how many children do you have? 1
  • how many pregnancies have you had? 5
  • how many live births? 0
  • When was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?

Of course, I silently laughed at the ultrasound tech as she tried to figure out how I can have 1 child without having had any live births – truth-be-told, her facial expression was rather entertaining. I did eventually explain adoption and she nodded saying oh that’s great, if you’ve been through fertility treatments you must be used to all of this by now.  To which I simply nodded and thought, ya, thanks for the reminder. I guess making your job easier is the benefit of recurrent pregnancy loss?

But I can say, while this wasn’t nearly as traumatic as my first post-infertility ultrasound, it still brought up a lot of memories and a lot of emotions.  While I wasn’t in the same room as all the bad-news appointments, it felt the exact same.  And while it’s been years since we went through our last loss, I still miss each of those babies and all the hopes and dreams we had for them.  I still wish I could have kept them safe, and given them the life they deserved.  I still wish I could have met them, and held their little hands and saw their little faces.  I still wish…

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7 Comments on “I Still Wish

  1. Oh, sending hugs. I hate how what should be normal procedures can stir up those painful memories and the doctors/techs are so oblivious.

    But I do think it’s pretty funny that the tech had trouble puzzling out your numbers. 🙂 At least she was actually thinking about it instead of just blindly entering numbers into a computer! But it’s pretty obvious that she hasn’t had personal experience with infertility/loss… if she had, knowing that someone had five pregnancies and then had their one child through adoption might have triggered a more sympathetic/sensitive response.

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  2. I feel like someone working in that office should be able to figure out that your son was adopted without having to ask. Just saying

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  3. I’m sorry. Maybe she just wanted to make sure your son wasn’t a c-section that you weren’t counting as a birth?

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  4. Losses are still real after 40 years. Makes us human and reminds us to see the humanity in others. Hang on and hold hands … we are not alone. We do survive and help make a better world for those following.

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  5. Hits me right in the heart. I’ve had two miscarriages, one before my son and one before my daughter. I don’t think the pain of the loss ever goes away. I wish I could have gone to term with them too and that they could be here in my arms instead of waiting for me in Heaven. And I hate being reminded when I go to the OB and they ask those questions. 4 pregnancies, 2 live births. No reaction from the nurse after I answer. Sometimes it’s all so clinical with them. Peace for you Mama ❤

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