Rambling Thoughts

While driving home from a meeting yesterday I wrote the most amazing post in my head.  The only problem with that approach to writing is that now I cannot remember it.  Heck, I cannot even remember the topic of said post.

So instead, I’m going to share much less important rambling thoughts then my completely (forgettable) amazing post would have entailed.

  • On the puppy front, does anyone have experience with Old English Sheepdogs?  I’ve always loved them, and maybe that’s the breed I should be researching more, since I’ve always loved them.  They appear to be a wonderful family dog, but their fur requires an insane amount of maintenance.  Which makes me go back to the sheepadoodle, which I completely love.
  • I found a baby girl goldendoodle puppy I want to adopt, she’s ready for pick up in 2 weeks.  Now, I have to convince Mr. MPB, which is going to be nearly impossible.  Clearly, we are going to be having an ongoing puppy battle in this house for the foreseeable future.  Also, it’s pretty obvious I’m have some issues with picking a puppy breed to fill the puppy shaped hole in my heart.
  • Little MPB is adorable (says every parent about their child).  Last night I was scratching my stomach and he looked up at me, stuck his finger in my bellybutton and started repeating button.  When I put my shirt down, he promptly lifted it back up so he could continue.  I guess he knows what a belly button is and I guess he simply calls it a button.  His words seem to have exploded in the last couple of weeks – bellybutton, red, blue, green, car, truck, book, read book, read, yes, no, duck, cow, moo, nose, roar, I do it, up, down, now, etc.  Combine all his new words with all his other words, he’s now well over 30 or maybe even 40 words.  So, I guess everyone was right, he did eventually figure out how to use more words.  But, interestingly, it still takes a lot of encouragement as he seems rather shy to use new words.
  • Why does my husband watch the most horrible TV shows and movies?  It’s like the lower the production and casting budget, the more attracted to the show he is.  Whereas I just want to watch comedies, with my current favourites being Dreamland and Scooby Doo.
  • If you’ve ever tried emailing me (myperfectbreakdown@gmail.com) you’ve probably noticed I am one of the worst people in the world to return emails in a timely manner.  Why is it that I can write a blog nearly every day, but I cannot check my email?  And maybe even more important, why is it that 80% of valid emails end up in my junk folder and I cannot seem to learn to check that specific folder ever?  Arg.  The problems of modern technology!
  • We’ve heard from Little MPB’s birthmother again.  She is fine and well, thankfully.  Clearly, I am just going to have to keep trying to learn how to balance my worries with the realy that so far every time she seems to be doing just fine when she’s not communicating with us.
  • I miss taking photographs.  Someone recently pointed out that I used to post so many more photos then I do now.  That comment struck me that in the crazy of life, I’ve really stopped taking time to enjoy simple moments and play with my camera.  It’s interesting because I’ve been enjoying taking pictures of our meals this month, because I really do enjoy photography.  I want to find time to bring this back into my life.
  • At what age should a child go to Disneyland for the first time?  We are trying to figure out when we should start planning a trip to the happies place on earth (so that we can start saving our pennies).  I think 3.  Mr. MPB thinks much older then that.  But, the one thing we both know is after our Iceland flights we do want him to be at least a bit older before we try to take him on that long of a flight!

And on that note, I’m going to stop rambling.  If you’ve made it this far, good for you.  You deserve a gold star.

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The other day I shared about how bitter and angry I was after leaving the cemetery and how these feelings are not new to me.

But, here’s what I’ve noticed over the years – I let go of my bitterness and anger much quicker now then I used to.

When I used to visit the cemetery as a teenager, in the years right after the accident, the bitterness and anger would stay with me for days/weeks at a time.  It was like the bitterness and anger would run through my veins and I could feel it as it reach my entire being.

Over time, I’ve noticed that the bitterness and anger is much more fleeting.  I fully accept these feelings, I know that they are normal for a very atypical situation that most people will never be able to relate to.  But, now I feel the emotions lifting almost as quickly as I drive away.  It’s almost as though I am somehow putting them in a box and subconsciously saying to myself nothing good will come of this, I need to refocus on the good.  The happy memories and the life I have.

I don’t mean to say that I’m packing up my emotions and ignoring them.  It’s not to say I don’t think about my mom and sister – I do, still, almost every day.  But, when it comes to the bitterness and anger, I now let those emotions wash over me, but they don’t impact me in the same way.  In some ways, it’s like I instinctively know then I cannot hold onto being bitter or angry.

It’s been 20 years since they died – for better or worse, I lead a completely different life today then I did when I was only 14.  And, since I’ve had 20 years to grow up with this being my new norm, I have a completely different maturity about the entire situation.

I optimistic that the same thing will occur in respect to our losses.  I fully expect that I will always have hard moments, probably the hardest will always be the moments where I blame my broken body and the moments when I hear about other families losses.  But, I do hope that with each passing year, I will be more equipped to accept the sorrow into my heart but also be more able to move beyond it.

Maybe it’s true what they say, time heals all wounds.

If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.