Flowers & Bitterness

This last weekend I stopped by the cemetery to visit my mother and sister’s headstone.

I very rarely stop by the cemetery – in fact, I don’t remember the last time I did.  For me, it’s a place that brings forth deep feelings of anger and bitterness.  It does not help me remember my mom and sister and our happy moments together.  Instead, it reminds me that someone missed a stop sign, driving their car directly into my family car and killing my mom and sister and simultaneously ripping my heart and family into pieces.

I know not everyone has this type of reaction to visiting the final resting place of those they love.  But for me, I accept that I do not find comfort in going their and I’m okay with not visiting frequently.

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But this last visit was a bit different then past visits.  Mr. MPB and Little MPB were busy doing something else, so I stole a few minutes by myself to go pick up some flowers and visit their headstone.

I picked up some Gerber Daisies because they are my favourite flowers. I picked some white ones with a few bright coloured ones, because bright daisies always make me happy, sense why they are my favourite.

As I drove up and saw my last name on the headstone from a far, I felt the bitterness growing within me.  I swore out loud at the fact that all I can do is stand before their headstone and that I’ll never get just one more hug from either of them.  I was still bitter.  I was still angry.  Not surprisingly.  

As I walked over to their headstone with the flowers in hand, I realized, I have no idea what my mom’s favourite flowers were (I later asked my Dad, and he also has no idea).  And, maybe even more sad is that I have no idea if my sister even had a favourite flower, or if she was ever even given flowers before she died.  When someone dies way too young, everyone always focuses on the big things in life that they will inevitably miss out on – learning to drive, high school graduation, falling in love and getting married, having kids, etc.  But what we don’t often think about is that they also miss out on so many small things like the first time a boyfriend buys you flowers.

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Needless to say, I left even more bitter and more angry then usual.

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24 Comments on “Flowers & Bitterness

  1. Sometimes the world is so cruel. Your mom and your sister were taken way too soon, and you lost two of the most important people in your life far too young. My heart hurts with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can understand why the anger and bitterness is still a raw feeling for you. I wish your mom and sister were still alive so that you could experience the most grande and mundane things life has to offer us all. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have a friend who lost her sister, and her other sister asked her recently if she wanted to visit the gravesite. My friend said no way because it doesn’t bring her comfort either. I think doing what is best for your grief is the right thing to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re right.. we don’t think about the small things that will be missed when someone dies very young. Reading this makes me sad… I understand your bitterness.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hugs, totally understandable. It is the little things that make us sad. I think bitter is understandable given their deaths could have been so easily avoided 😢

    I visit my Dad but I don’t feel much at all. It is just his name on some metal and stone.

    But I love cemeteries and memorial gardens (my dad was cremated) which makes me weird I think. I find them peaceful, I wander and see the names and dates. I wonder who they were and what was their story.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I wasn’t expecting that to stir big emotions in me. My best friend’s mom died when we were teenagers, shortly after saving my life. My aunt, who was the midwife at my own birth, died when I was 23. I miss them both so much and not only do I miss them for the things we did not get to share together, but I miss them for all the ways we did not fully get to know each other and the moments we lost. Ugh, I’m crying.
    I hope you find healing at some point.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am sorry you lost your mom’s bestfriend and your aunt. I think when we lose special people in our lives there are just so many things to grieve and that grief ebbs and flows at various times throughout our lives. Sending my love.

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