Sometimes being an independent consultant is stressful.

And right now, I’m in one of those stressful times.

Photo Source (Adapted from original): Office.com Clip Art

In fact, my anxiety is high that sleep has become and elusive mystery, some sort of a lost art.  And, I as I write this at 4:35 am, I can assure you that there is nothing worse then watching the time tick by, counting down the hours and then minutes until morning arrives.  And it irritates the heck out of me that I’m awake while everyone else is asleep – there is no point on being up in the middle of the night if you aren’t at least getting baby snuggles.  I can honestly say I’m slightly excited for Little MPB to wake up to distract me from my worries.

And you know what the worst part is, I’m wide awake worrying about something 100% completely out of my control.  Nothing worse then worrying about something outside of my control, rationally it feels like wasted energy worrying about things I cannot change.  But, while I realize this rationally, I simply have not been able to shut my brain now.

You see, I’m likely losing my longest standing client in the coming days.  Now honestly, I’ve done great work for them, and they know it and even more importantly I know.  I am proud of the work I’ve done for them.  In fact, I’m damn proud of what I’ve done for them.  So, losing the contract is not about my quality of work.  And even so, truthfully, I wont be too upset about not working for them any more for reasons that are rather irrelevant here. 

BUT…

and it’s a big but…

I will miss the constant reliable paycheck that this contract has given me for a few years now.  They pay their bills on time which is always a real bonus for a consultant!  And most importantly, I work for them every single month so I know that I have at least $X amount of income every month.

And so, within a split second, finding new work has become a bit more of a pressing problem.  Here’s to hoping the universe just sends me a new great client and my phone rings with some good news.  (Please universe…pretty please)

In a way this client had become a security blanket – they had given me a bit of financial comfort that independent consultants don’t often get.  Maybe this anxiety I have right now is sort of how Little MPB is going to feel when we get the courage to take away his soother?

I am going to miss my financial security blanket.  And, I’m pretty sure my budget conscious husband is also going to miss my financial security blanket.

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