Deadlocked
What is a married couple to do when compromise is not in our current vocabulary?
The lack of agreement is simple – I want a dog now. Mr. MPB wants to wait for an indefinite amount of time.
But, it’s not just that simple.
You see, when I make my mind up on something I tend to go all in and there’s basically no way to stop me once I get going. And, once again, I’ve done just that. I’ve fallen in love with the type of dog (Sheepadoodle), and a specific breeder. And, the puppies are expected to be born within the next 12 days, and be able to move home with us in October.
When I told Mr. MPB about the upcoming puppies and the conversations I had been having with the breeder he made a joke and didn’t say much else. But, I mistakenly took his few words to mean he was okay with this and filled in the puppy adoption forms (which by the way is nothing like human adoption. In comparison the dog adoption process is so much more simple that I couldn’t help but chuckle, and I truly laughed out loud when the breeder informed me that we are an ideal adoptive family – maybe I should tell them we are approved by both the Canadian Government and the USA Government to adopt and we have Interpol clearance?). Anyways, our names are now on a waitlist, with deposit required when the puppy is born.
After filling out the paperwork, I told Mr. MPB. This is when he verbalized that he is 110% opposed to bringing a dog into our lives in October. I have had more then one cry over this, truthfully I’m heartbroken. I miss the company during the day when I’m working at home, I miss the doggy snuggles, and I miss the sense of security that came along with having a large dog in our house. Mr. MPB says he feels bad for saying no, but he just isn’t ready. In fact he referred to himself as Chandler. To which I half-heartedly told him, he probably should feel bad because no-one comes off as a nice guy when they say no to puppies.
So, how do we compromise? We are used to compromising, I think that’s part of why we are usually a good team. And, we also use the veto rule from time to time if one of us has a really strong opinion on something. He tried to use a veto, I accepted his veto and said I’d move on since I cannot really bring a dog into our house if he’s not onboard. But, less then 24 hours later, I vetoed his veto. I tried sitting on my feelings and moving on, but the fact is that I still desperately want this puppy. It turns out that as much as he doesn’t want this puppy, I do.
So, we are deadlocked. Or at an impasse if you will.
There is really is no compromising on this one – it’s not like we can get half a dog in October. We either get one, or we don’t. So, essentially one of us has to relent and give in. Meaning one of us gets what we want, and the other one is simply out of luck but is stuck with the outcome of the one who gets their way.
I have no idea how we are going to overcome this.
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A reasonable compromise would be you agree to wait until a decided time – 6 months etc. I can see his point, and yours. It’s probably wise to breathe a little, grieve, and prepare to puppy it up in an agreed time.
Been thinking of you lots ❤️
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Why does he want to wait? Is it the stress of having a new puppy? Because I get that–waking up at 4am to take the puppy potty, cleaning up “accidents”, hoping toddler MPB doesn’t find the puppy poo first, making sure toddler MPB doesn’t hurt the puppy or vice versa (so constant supervision), training classes for puppy, etc.
Or is it that Mr. MPB is still grieving?
Would a compromise be fostering dogs through a program until you both are ready to adopt?
XOXO
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I’ve never had a puppy but I’ve always had a dog. No interest in having a puppy and it being all spaz… I’ve always adopted dogs five years or older, where they are relatively mellow and really just help me be mellow. My suggestion is to just go to the shelter you have out there together and just look at dogs, and who knows one might catch his eye just like one will yours 🙂 we were not even planning on getting our dog Ruby but we did that and when we saw her she stuck her paw out when I came over to her cage and I was hooked 🙂
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I second Sabrina and mylifeasacasestudy. I think an honest discussion is due to see what is holding him back and if it’s that he needs the extra time to grieve and process than maybe finding an acceptable point in time to adopt a dog would be best. I know it sucks. You’re grieving the loss of your best friend. But sometimes waiting isn’t the worst thing to happen. It gives you time to process, grieve, and be overjoyed when you welcome the new furbaby without the shadow of grief from having just lost your sweet dog. Hugs.
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Yep. That’s what I’m thinking too. I do think a compromise is possible. Maybe you won’t get a puppy from this particular litter, but maybe the next litter?
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I completely understand (and I chuckled at the Interpol comment…so true, you have been thoroughly vetted…ha! Vetted…vet…I crack myself up). There have been moments in our marriage where I thought he was totally on board, and when I started to go through all of it, he backs out. And I’ve already invested. Plus, how can you not have a dog?
On the other hand, I can understand the need to grieve and take some time to process and prepare for another dog. Maybe you can work with a local shelter and foster for a bit? Or maybe watch a friend’s dog who works outside of the house? Or even volunteer at a shelter to get a dog fix? I know it’s not the same, though. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hopefully, the compromise can come quickly.
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Can you foster a dog that is looking for a forever home through a rescue? That is a shorter time commitment and would let you test the feeling of having another dog around.
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It’s difficult to give advice without knowing your husband’s reasons for not wanting to get a dog. Is he opposed to a puppy? (They are a lot of work.) Is he enjoying the lack of responsibility? Is he still mourning your recently deceased dog and thus not quite ready?
When you understand the reason(s) for his position, you will be better able to consider compromise.
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As someone who is dealing with a 1 year old dog and a 2 year old child myself, I am maybe wondering if Mr MPB is concerned about the chaos and insanity that comes with having a brand new puppy and a small child. It isn’t easy at all. A lot of puppy care and training can easily get dismissed because the number 1 baby, the human one, gets priority usually. I’m obviously not telling you that you guys wouldn’t be able to handle a puppy and a young child, but it could be something he’s concerned about? The only way you will know exactly why he’s wanting to wait is by continuing to openly talk about it. Some people are ok to jump right back into dog ownership, but some people take a little longer. It’s tough when both sides are on different pages with it. I can sympathize with both of you in a lot of ways. Honestly, the best answer is to probably wait for a little while, give your husband some time to grieve and come around to the idea of another dog. By bringing a dog in to your life when you aren’t on the same page can cause a lot of disruption and strain on your marriage. You could end up finding that you are alone with no support raising the puppy as it was something he was against. That’s quite tough. Just remember, litters of puppies are born all the time and missing this particular litter doesn’t mean that the opportunity won’t come for you again. Good luck 🙂
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I am wholly pro-puppy, but I can also understand Mr. MPB’s stance. I have no idea where the compromise lies in this except to maybe remove the current puppy wait list from the equation and agree to re-visit the topic on X date. Food for thought–bringing home an energetic new puppy on the cusp of winter might actually kind of suck? That said, I have NEVER experienced a proper winter before, so maybe I’m totally wrong there!
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Why, why, why did you have to bring up winter?! Hahah!
That’s the one point that I have no counter argument to! Seriously, no-one likes walking a dog at -20f! Heck, no-one likes leaving their house to do anything at -20! Arg.
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Unfortunately, I think it is like a couple choosing having another kid — both people have to be completely on board. Maybe Mr. MPB just feels kind of rushed and pressured about making such a big decision while it is still raw? I’d suggest tabling the discussion entirely for the next few months, maybe agree on a date that you two will discuss it again and don’t bring it up beforehand. I know you are interested in these specific puppies, but there will be other litters. In the meantime, hang in there ❤
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Oh man- all the comments seem to support waiting and I can sense how badly you don’t want to wait. I wish I could say ‘go for it!’ But I really do think it is a big enough commitment you both need to feel good about it. Sending my love.
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That’s so hard, and totally understandable on both sides. When we lost the cats last year, at first we said we would wait a while…then not even a month later we had both changed our minds and were on the lookout for another cat. Maybe he just needs a couple weeks to get past his grief. If you put down a deposit, can you get it back if you decide you’re not ready when it’s born and ready to go home? Maybe that’s an option to consider…then at least you’ll be able to get the dog if he’s ready by then, but can back out if he needs more time. He may change his mind by that time, you know? I don’t have any great advice on this one, other than maybe give each other a bit of time and talk it out again. I hope you can come to some sort of agreement, and neither of you ends up feeling too upset. *hugs*
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I was 100% percent you and my husband was 100% mr. MBP. I was hurting and missed having a dog in the house. He was not willin to even talk about it. Now, 6 months later, I just sent in an adoption application for a pup. It looks like the dog will be going to another home and I’m crushed but in that 6 month my hubby had more time to think about it and see how much it was hurting me to not have furry companion in the house. Give it time.
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I got a kitten the day after my beloved BEAR cat died, so I’m with you on this. But… I was single then. When Lily died three years ago, we followed our rule that we only have 3 cats if a stray finds us and needs us (that’s how we had three before Lily died, and were left with 2 after her death). Jackson is now getting close to leaving us and I am the one who wants to wait a while after he goes, and Brian wants Matthew to pick a new cat the moment he’s ready after saying goodbye to Jackson. I know I will lose this battle, because my kid will want a new cat. All this to say… How is little MPB handling this? Does he seem to want a dog? I know he’s young, but does he seem to miss having his puppy? If he does, I’d use the kid to lobby for a dog. That’s what will work on me in a few months. Hell… I’d probably say yes to a dog if Matthew wanted one after Jackson dies, and I absolutely do not want a dog right now. (I LOVE dogs, but the dog would be all of my responsibility and I am not up for that right now. And, we view dogs differently. I want them in bed with the kids, he does not. I grew up with unkennelled dogs and can’t imagine crating them at night.)
I’d revisit in a week, and get to the bottom of why he’s holding out. Puppies are HARD, and that may simply be the reason, which is legitimate.
Good luck.
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I get it…I mean, how you’re feeling. When our first IVF failed, I adopted a kitten. I somehow convinced the Viking with 3 dogs already and one feral cat that we rescued, he relented. Although when Loki passed away in January, neither of us had any urge to bring in another animal.
Ultimately a compromise is going to happen. Maybe short term fostering is an option for your family? Until you can agree on the permanent logistics.
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This is a really difficult decision. I can see both sides of it. You might find that he just needs a couple of weeks to sort out his feelings. Hopefully the pup will take a little while to arrive and he’ll have some time to adjust to the idea. Fingers crossed it all works out and you both find a happy solution.
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Thanks for your support. It turns out all the puppies are males, so I conceded and we will not get a puppy from this litter. And Mr. MPB has agreed to put our names down at the top of the list for the next litter in the spring. So, a compromise was reached.
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Yay for compromises. I am so glad it worked out in a way that you are both okay with! 🙂
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