Angela Craven’s 100 Days of Healing And Remembrance* – http://angelacravenart.com/100-day-project
Everyone that has experienced the loss of a pregnancy has a story. In my experience most of us keep the intimate details close to our hearts, and the hurt hides behind our eyes.
Most people see me, but they don’t know the intimate details behind my eyes. We keep the details to ourselves as if somehow it will help protect us. For me, I couldn’t take the looks of pity. And, more often then not I couldn’t trust myself to speak our truth without tearing up. I also couldn’t handle the insensitive comments, no matter how well meaning they might have been. And so I built walls to protect myself and my husband. It became the loneliest time of my life.
Eventually, after our third loss, we starting telling select people the basics of what we were going through. People tried to support us, but largely said things that were hurtful or didn’t say much at all. To be fair, what do you say to someone who has lost so many babies and will very likely never be able to have a child? Even as we started to share, we felt that the details remained our burden to bare. The heart wrenching moments of waiting weeks for a baby to slowly die while knowing my body was the reason they were dying; countless painful medical procedures; having an emergency D&C surgery; having to go to an abortion clinic to terminate a septic miscarriage in order to save my life; finding out one of our lost babies was a baby girl, watching younger siblings have babies before us; skipping family events because we couldn’t hide our heartbreak well enough; seeing our friends move on in life without us; watching as others unknowingly use the name of our lost little girl and, learning to live with the knowledge that my body killed these babies. These are the moments that nearly broke me. These are also the moments that have forever shaped me as a women, as a wife, as a friend, and now as a mother.
With the heartache and sorrow becoming too great, I started writing and created myperfectbreakdown.com. Writing became my outlet. Hope became my rallying cry. Encouraging others became my saving grace. Friendships with others who truly ‘get it’ developed and have become my lifeline. I largely credit my blog with helping me survive in my darkest moments and continuing to help me heal.
As for where we are today, my heart and soul are still and will forever be etched with the scars of our lost babies. When the heartache of continued losses became to great, we chose to build our family through open adoption. While nothing will ever erase the heartache we went through and I would never wish our experience upon anyone, today I firmly believe I am a better mother to my 1 living child for having experienced the loss of 5 babies who never got to take their first breathes. My son will never replace the babies we lost before he was born, that is simply not his role in life. But, if nothing else, the experience of loosing five babies and facing the very real possibility of not having children has made being a parent so much more special to me.
* I am honoured that this post is part of Angela Craven’s 100 Days of Healing & Remembrance. Angela is an abstract painter and you can find more about her, her work and the 100 Days of Healing & Remembrance project on her website – Angelacravenart.com.
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I have another puppy update, and it’s one that I cannot believe I’m writing.
We have been waiting for a Old English Sheepdog breeder to confirm a litter of puppies. So far, they have had 2 dogs not get pregnant – I feel as though somehow the world is telling me not to expect a pregnancy to every work out for us – human pregnancy or dog pregnancy. But alas, such is life and we are waiting for the 3rd dog attempt in February/March. At the same time we’ve been in touch with Sheepadoodle breeder who is going to confirm if her dog is pregnant in a few weeks – we are currently first on the list for a black and white female sheepadoodle. And we are talking with another Sheepadoodle breeder who is expecting a spring litter. I think my preference is for an Old English Sheepdog, but Sheepadoodles are pretty darn cute too.
But right now it doesn’t matter.
All future dog talk is on hold.
There is a small suspicion that Little MPB may have a dog allergy. Honestly, I don’t think he does, but there is enough of a suspicion from people in our lives that that I spoke with our pediatrician and explained how worried I am about bringing a new dog into our family to find out he has an allergy after the fact. It would kill me to have to give away a dog, but I know that my son’s health comes first. Of course, the pediatrician didn’t argue that fact. But, she had a fantastic idea to have Little MPB allergy tested. So, we are now waiting for an appointment with a pediatric allergist. We are likely waiting for an appointment in 3 to 6 months, unless I can get us in sooner with a cancellation appointment.
My hope is clearly that he does not have a dog allergy. But, I’m hoping worst case scenario the pediatric allergist would be okay with a doodle, which will hopefully be slightly hypoallergenic.
I’m totally devastated by this. But, I know with 100% certainty that this is the right call.
Mr. MPB is actually surprised I’m the one who has suggested we put a full stop on getting a new puppy until we know with certainty.
And, I’m actually kind of proud of myself for making this decision as a parent not as a puppy desperate person. But I should probably admit part of me is doing this simply so I can prove I’m right and he doesn’t have a dog allergy.
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My Perfect Breakdown 