This Is All Just So Unfair

I don’t even know where to start.

Remember that couple who hurt us more then I think anyone ever has with their devastatingly insensitive first pregnancy announcement?  Followed by the ultrasound photo as an announcement for their second pregnancy? Well, as expected, their second baby has just arrived.

As an aside, I wonder, will I ever be excited for fertile people who have babies?  Yes, I looked at the baby photos the excited parents send (as I always do whenever any baby arrives) and I send the appropriate excited message back, but I just feel so incredibly detached (unlike for infertile people who manage to get pregnant and have baby, I’m always thrilled for them).  Is that part of me just dead now?  I hate infertility and loss for what it has done to me.  I hate it. I just F&!@ hate it!  

Anyways, on to the point…

They chose a lovely name for their little girl.  So lovely that it makes me want to puke.  Literally.  The first name is the name we’ve been saving for if we ever have a girl.  And, the middle name, it’s the name of the baby we terminated.

This couple knows most of our loss story, including our termination.  But, they did not know either of these names, and neither of them are exceptionally popular names.  I fully acknowledge that this is pure random chance.

Yet, I cannot stop crying.  And, I’ll admit I’m rather ashamed of my reaction.  I feel like I should just be over this by now.  Honestly, I know we are probably never going to have another child, let alone a baby girl.  So, I know we’ll probably never be able to use that first name anyways.  I rationally get this.  Emotionally, we’ll that’s another story.  I’m devastated to know that we will never be able to use that name if we are fortunate enough to ever find our way to a living baby girl.

And the middle name, we’ll I’m beyond gutted.  Of our 5 babies that we lost way too early, we only named one of them.  And, it’s also the little girl that I had to terminate at an abortion clinic.  This is with me every single day of my life, and always will be.  Yes, we lost 5 babies, but she was different, as we chose to end her life in an incredibly traumatizing way (albeit, to likely save my life, but that’s not the point).  And now, there’s a little girl who is part of my family who carries her name.  How am I supposed to look at this brand new baby and not see what we lost and we could have had?

I’m literally sitting here with crocodile tears rolling down my cheeks.  Once again, I’m sitting in the quiet of my home, licking my wounds.  I’m just devastated.

But I am also very angry.  I’m angry that I lost 5 babies, who never got real names.  I’m angry for what we had to live through. I’m angry that our lost babies are basically forgotten by everyone now that Little MPB is in our lives (for the record, I love Little MPB more then anything/anyone in the world, but adoption does not magically cure infertility and/or past loss).  And, I’m angry I was forced to terminate for medical reasons at an abortion clinic.

This is all so unfair.

I guess the silver lining in all of this, is that at least I have a friend who gets it and she knows just what to say (sorry for the swearing, but it’s just one of those days):

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45 Comments on “This Is All Just So Unfair

  1. It’s so damn unfair. I am so sorry for this pain. Love you and kind of despise them if I am honest. You don’t deserve this hurt. Wish I could have a glass of wine and commiserate with you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your friend said it all. What an awesome friend.

    Two of my very best friends have a daughter who was born just a few days after our daughter’s due date. Every time I see her, I think about what it would be like to have a daughter that age. It still hurts, and I think it always will. Fortunately, we don’t yet know anyone who has named a daughter the name that we had picked out for our daughter (we’re still hoping we might be able to use it someday), but if I did I’d be crying just like you are. You have a right to mourn what you’ve lost, and yup, a right to be jealous of people who seemingly effortlessly have what you were so cruelly denied. It sucks, a lot, and it also sucks that your family will never understand. Sending huge hugs…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hugs hon. Life is unfair.
    I wish they knew how much rhis hurts. If I were you, I wouldd tell them straight away, In a way like, wow, i love that name. Its the name of our little girl whom we never got to meet.

    Let them feel it hurt too..
    anyway, life is fucking unfair and I wish I could be there physically for you now. Take care.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I really like Mamalife’s suggestion. It sounds like a constructive way to show your friend that you care, while leaving an important place for the little girl you lost. Although I can imagine it would take a lot of energy and composure to be able to integrate it into a conversation.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. You have every right to be this upset, and more. It it heart wrenching to think of what you must be going through hearing those names used in your family. So sorry 🙁

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Wow – I think you have every reason to be upset, although how they managed to use TWO names which mean so much to you is unbelievable.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. It really is unfair, I’m so sorry. You are definitely allowed to feel like this, if you didn’t it would probably be pent up too much in a deep dark place that would be far more dangerous. Crying is good, I’m not sure how long you will feel like this, but you absolutely are entitled to grieve like this – big hugs, it really sucks and my heart aches for you X

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry for all your hurt. It was unbearable just to read it all, cant even imagine what you are going through. Infertility wounds never heal but we just end up getting used to them being a part of our daily lives. (Just cant go back to being the ME i was before infertility struck us) i pray for you everyday for blessings on you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I forgot that this was a family member and not just a friend. Living with this forever will be hard. I would be devastated.

    We had two sets of friends who were relatively close, and the one set took the other sets claimed (uncommon) boy name and oh boy…. Major anger. The other set who had claimed it very openly (we all knew) never had a boy but she still brings up how their name was stolen. It’s been 10 years! My husband doesn’t understand how she’s still bothered by it but I do, and they never lost any babies and hadn’t experienced the trauma with this couple like you did with their insensitive announcements. All this to say… Your reaction is more than normal and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. People with far less history get upset over these things too.

    Hang in there. This is going to be tough.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This is unfair and it’s completely normal to feel this initial hurt even if it wasn’t intentional. I went through a really similar experience with some friends of mine about a year ago (https://searchingforourstork.wordpress.com/2016/03/04/that-day/). The hurt has definitely mellowed for me, but I still feel I need a little time to prepare myself each time we plan a visit with them. And if the first name your friends used is still close to your hearts and a little girl come into your lives, you have every right to use it. As for the middle name, I thought Mamalife’s suggestion was really constructive and might help with accepting the arrival of your friends’ baby, while commemorating your little girl.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Don’t feel bad for a single emotion you have. It’s real and honest and valid and the reality. Don’t let what you think you ‘should’ be doing getting in the way of how you’re actually feeling.
    I still get the twinge and frustration when fertiles get pregnant easily especially to the ones that know we struggled but feel it’s still necessary to tell me how easy it is for them to conceive and carry a child.
    And in all honestly, there’s a particular hill in the city that when I drive up it I often think about my lowest moment struggling with infertility (I feel teleported back to that very night), with my crocodile tears driving up that hill as I was surrendering my hopes of having children. I had decided to start my grieving process. I sometimes still weep when I go up that hill because I can still feel the emotions.
    Hugs to you 💜 big big big hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  11. If I could “like” your friend’s comments a thousand times, I would. She gets it. I’m glad you have that kind of support in your life. Sending you a tremendous amount of love. 😍 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I resonate so much with this post right now. Your feelings are completely valid, and I would be so upset too. I am upset too. My cousin just announced her pregnancy, and it was the most crushing moment for me, so I completely understand the feelings. It makes me mad that fertile couples take for granted something that I would do anything to obtain. Stay strong. It’s up and down, as I’m finding out, as I’m sure you already know.

    Like

  13. I wrote you an email because I can’t really talk about this more publicly than that, but I get it.

    Like

  14. I had to read the background posts to catch up and I am like semi-triggered just reading this stuff. I totally understand how you feel and I completely agree with you. I, too, have RPL and I am the last one in my family to have any kids (I am still trying for 1) so I have a specific couple in my life I am not related to but it is my darkest fear that she will get pregnant before I do and I will lose it for reasons I don’t even know how to explain without sounding insane. And we also have names chosen that I am very protective of, and fear other people will take them. I am glad you have such a good friend though. It’s so unfair that there’s all this dark horrific stuff we have to work through and no one on the outside gets it usually. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It really sucks and they may not have known about the names but it sounds like they could be a little more tactful in general.

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  15. Oh I’m so sorry. You are so right. Adoption and even successful pregnancy doesn’t make up for all we have been through and it sucks that those who have had it easy can’t tread more lightly. The names add insult to injury even though they didn’t know. My thoughts are with you today.

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  16. I’m so sorry. God, the cut of that pain in your heart – I remember it at the drop of a hat and I wish you didn’t have to experience it. The name thing… it’s really, really unfair. Just so horrible for you and they couldn’t even have known. Life can be a very difficult thing to handle sometimes. Very difficult. Cry and grieve as much as you need to. It really is better out than in, and since you have very little in the way of options, the priority here is soothing your soul with whatever it takes to get through it. Give little MBP extra hugs. xxx

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  17. It’s NOT fair! WTF. Just, seriously, WTF with the baby names. You need to unfollow/unfriend them–it’s masochistic to keep these people around when you get nothing but grief out of the relationship. Give yourself a f*cking break MPB–it’s ok to not be happy for everybody and it’s ok to feel bad for yourself. Just don’t be a dick (which you are never a dick so no worries). XOXO

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  18. I just went back and read your entries about the insanely difficult decision you had to make with baby #3. I am reading at work and I had to fight back the tears that wanted to fall for you and Mr MPB as I read more and more. My heart just broke over and over again the more I read. I’ve never been in your situation before, but I can completely sympathize and respect where you are coming from in this post. The hurt you feel is completely warranted and don’t ever feel you should have to hide it or feel wrong for feeling that way. I know nothing that any of us readers can say will make you feel this pain any less, but just know that you have a lot of people, even strangers, who are here to support you.

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  19. Oh my gosh, you have EVERY right to be sad and angry right now. I cannot even imagine what you’ve gone thru, and I CANNOT begin to imagine the heartache. I don’t think any mother can get over any loss, I think it’s just something you may just learn to live with. And to have a girl in your family with that name would break my heart of the reminder. Thinking of you ❤️

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  20. Oh, I totally get it. I, too, had a hard time being happy at my fertile friends’ pregnancies for the longest time (with two 5-year-olds and our family complete, it’s easier these days), and for unplanned pregnancies, forget it!

    And the thing with the names they chose. . . even though it was pure random chance, as you say, and unintentional, it’s easy to see why it stings. I would feel hurt, too.

    {{{{HUGS}}}}

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I’m so very sorry. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t know about the names, it doesn’t matter that it’s a horrible coincidence…it still hurts just the same. And you DO deserve to feel hurt and angry about it. It IS so very unfair. Nobody should have to go through the things that you’ve endured, and you shouldn’t have to relive those events over and over in your mind. I know there’s truly nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I do understand, and I’m thinking about you my friend. Sending you lots of love. *hugs*

    Like

  22. I’m so sorry. Fertile careless people suck. And because somehow you’re supposed to be the bigger person, you don’t get to do anything publicly or confront them, because apparently that would make you the bad guy… I’m so sorry.

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  23. I lost my first baby to a first trimester miscarriage and it hurt like hell. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you having lost so many. Life is so unfair. It seems those who shouldn’t have children (drug addicts, abusers) have them so easily while good people like you have to struggle and fight and spend thousands of dollars to make it happen. Feel what you feel. You should be as upset as you are because you are! If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel and you have to know its okay to feel it. I’d be upset too. The middle name part would break my heart too. I’m so very sorry this has happened. Big big hugs to you and your husband. ❤

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  24. Ugh, been there. I remember friends having children and feeling like all my names were being stolen and how unfair it felt. I am touched that my sister deliberately made a different choice when she gave birth. I hold one last name for the son I so never have in my heart, shared only with my immediate family. I still get misty. I totally get it.

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  25. Big.. big.. hugs. We only named one of our babies. Our fourth we knew was a boy. Friends of ours didn’t know and they named their son the name. Every time.. every.single.time. I see pictures or see them, I think of our boy. You should be upset. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. My husband just mentioned our babies yesterday. The pain *never* goes away, you just get better at carrying it.

    Liked by 2 people

  26. It is sooooo unbelievable unfair…in so many ways. I feel the same about fertile people too…I just don’t think many of them appreciate the blessing of child like we do…I know not all..but most of the ones I know certainly take it for granted. So cry this crocodile tears…we are here for you always💙💙💙💙

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  27. I won’t claim to know how you feel, but I am familiar with the sting of hearing one of “your names” tossed around by fertile people. A very close friend of mine’s little sister got knocked up (teen unwed mom of course) and her girl name is the only other girl name I’ve ever loved besides Amora – Gideon. I’ve never heard it for a girl and everyone but me hates it. I know she heard it from me and it is more than a little grating to me that she would “take” it.

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  28. I’m so, so sorry. That’s incredibly horrible and unfair.

    We experienced secondary infertility and when we finally got pregnant, three friends were also pregnant and they all had due dates one month before mine. I’ve had a favorite girl name since I was 12 or something (my oldest is a boy), and the thought that I would “lose” the name (after all the infeŕtility heartbreak) to a friend’s child, was at the time more than I could bear. Especially when one of these friends was very inconsiderate (e.g. she knew that we had been trying for more than 2 years when she announced her own pregnancy via an ultrasound image text message). Two of said friends went in to have girls, and I was sure that one of them, would use “my” name, and if the inconsiderate one would have done that, it would have been really really hard to take. Thankfully, neither of them used the name and I was able to give it to my daughter.
    Your feelings are completely normal and justified. There is nothing to feel shame about. Again, I’m so sorry that you had to experience this.

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  29. Don’t ever apologize for the way you feel. You have the right to feel whatever way you want to. I would be upset and angry too. Your friend is right fertile people don’t understand and never can because pregnancy came so easily to them that they can’t understand how it effects the infertility community. It’s like I say you can’t understand it until you have been there though I wouldn’t wish this on the person I dislike the most. I’m so sorry.

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  30. I feel with you and i understand. My close relative got 3 babies in 3 yeara. I was away this year and when i came home, her nanny came with her her kids to greet my boy whom i got after 5 years of multiple ivfs and more than a thousands of injections. She told me mt cousin is about to deliver no4. I went upstairs immediately and i cried. These feelings of being deprived of the basic right will always hunt us.

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  31. This is hard. And you can totally hate me, since Nadia was an accident after Nora being ivf. And even though Nadia was an accident, I still hate fertile people who haven’t been through any of this. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Big hug hon. No, finally having a living baby doesn’t take away the pain of all those losses. People often say to me, everything worked out the way it was supposed to and now you have your family. Yes, I have my family, but it was at great cost emotionally, physically and financially. And you’re right, no one remembers the lost ones but us. It’s so hard. But we (all of us in this community) remember and we’re here for you through this. Your feelings are valid and you should be this upset. Life is so unfair sometimes. Huge, huge hug. ❤️

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  33. I’m so sorry, how incredibly unfair. I’m still surprised at how unfair things can turn out. Sending love.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Oh friend, I’m so sorry! I’m sitting here crying for you and the heartache you’ve had to endure. It is so unfair! If it makes you feel any better, I also have a hard time with fertile announcements. I think I probably always will. Love you!!!

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  35. Your friend said it best. You should be upset. You have every right to be upset. I am upset for you. This is some serious BS life. Infertility and fertility problems in general are bullshit. They suck and the emotions around that just don’t disappear.
    I am so very sorry, I know they didn’t know, but that is a small consolation really. Huge love and hugs to you xxxx

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  36. I haven’t been on here in a while but i always think of you, friend, and always sending love your way. I can intellectualize your pain, but i’ll never know it, and all i can say is you’re entitled to feel WHATEVER the ole’ hell you want! Sending you love and healing friend…

    Liked by 1 person

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