This Is All Just So Unfair
I don’t even know where to start.
Remember that couple who hurt us more then I think anyone ever has with their devastatingly insensitive first pregnancy announcement? Followed by the ultrasound photo as an announcement for their second pregnancy? Well, as expected, their second baby has just arrived.
As an aside, I wonder, will I ever be excited for fertile people who have babies? Yes, I looked at the baby photos the excited parents send (as I always do whenever any baby arrives) and I send the appropriate excited message back, but I just feel so incredibly detached (unlike for infertile people who manage to get pregnant and have baby, I’m always thrilled for them). Is that part of me just dead now? I hate infertility and loss for what it has done to me. I hate it. I just F&!@ hate it!
Anyways, on to the point…
They chose a lovely name for their little girl. So lovely that it makes me want to puke. Literally. The first name is the name we’ve been saving for if we ever have a girl. And, the middle name, it’s the name of the baby we terminated.
This couple knows most of our loss story, including our termination. But, they did not know either of these names, and neither of them are exceptionally popular names. I fully acknowledge that this is pure random chance.
Yet, I cannot stop crying. And, I’ll admit I’m rather ashamed of my reaction. I feel like I should just be over this by now. Honestly, I know we are probably never going to have another child, let alone a baby girl. So, I know we’ll probably never be able to use that first name anyways. I rationally get this. Emotionally, we’ll that’s another story. I’m devastated to know that we will never be able to use that name if we are fortunate enough to ever find our way to a living baby girl.
And the middle name, we’ll I’m beyond gutted. Of our 5 babies that we lost way too early, we only named one of them. And, it’s also the little girl that I had to terminate at an abortion clinic. This is with me every single day of my life, and always will be. Yes, we lost 5 babies, but she was different, as we chose to end her life in an incredibly traumatizing way (albeit, to likely save my life, but that’s not the point). And now, there’s a little girl who is part of my family who carries her name. How am I supposed to look at this brand new baby and not see what we lost and we could have had?
I’m literally sitting here with crocodile tears rolling down my cheeks. Once again, I’m sitting in the quiet of my home, licking my wounds. I’m just devastated.
But I am also very angry. I’m angry that I lost 5 babies, who never got real names. I’m angry for what we had to live through. I’m angry that our lost babies are basically forgotten by everyone now that Little MPB is in our lives (for the record, I love Little MPB more then anything/anyone in the world, but adoption does not magically cure infertility and/or past loss). And, I’m angry I was forced to terminate for medical reasons at an abortion clinic.
This is all so unfair.
I guess the silver lining in all of this, is that at least I have a friend who gets it and she knows just what to say (sorry for the swearing, but it’s just one of those days):
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