100 Days of Healing & Remembrance
Everyone that has experienced the loss of a pregnancy has a story. In my experience most of us keep the intimate details close to our hearts, and the hurt hides behind our eyes.
Most people see me, but they don’t know the intimate details behind my eyes. We keep the details to ourselves as if somehow it will help protect us. For me, I couldn’t take the looks of pity. And, more often then not I couldn’t trust myself to speak our truth without tearing up. I also couldn’t handle the insensitive comments, no matter how well meaning they might have been. And so I built walls to protect myself and my husband. It became the loneliest time of my life.
Eventually, after our third loss, we starting telling select people the basics of what we were going through. People tried to support us, but largely said things that were hurtful or didn’t say much at all. To be fair, what do you say to someone who has lost so many babies and will very likely never be able to have a child? Even as we started to share, we felt that the details remained our burden to bare. The heart wrenching moments of waiting weeks for a baby to slowly die while knowing my body was the reason they were dying; countless painful medical procedures; having an emergency D&C surgery; having to go to an abortion clinic to terminate a septic miscarriage in order to save my life; finding out one of our lost babies was a baby girl, watching younger siblings have babies before us; skipping family events because we couldn’t hide our heartbreak well enough; seeing our friends move on in life without us; watching as others unknowingly use the name of our lost little girl and, learning to live with the knowledge that my body killed these babies. These are the moments that nearly broke me. These are also the moments that have forever shaped me as a women, as a wife, as a friend, and now as a mother.
With the heartache and sorrow becoming too great, I started writing and created myperfectbreakdown.com. Writing became my outlet. Hope became my rallying cry. Encouraging others became my saving grace. Friendships with others who truly ‘get it’ developed and have become my lifeline. I largely credit my blog with helping me survive in my darkest moments and continuing to help me heal.
As for where we are today, my heart and soul are still and will forever be etched with the scars of our lost babies. When the heartache of continued losses became to great, we chose to build our family through open adoption. While nothing will ever erase the heartache we went through and I would never wish our experience upon anyone, today I firmly believe I am a better mother to my 1 living child for having experienced the loss of 5 babies who never got to take their first breathes. My son will never replace the babies we lost before he was born, that is simply not his role in life. But, if nothing else, the experience of loosing five babies and facing the very real possibility of not having children has made being a parent so much more special to me.
* I am honoured that this post is part of Angela Craven’s 100 Days of Healing & Remembrance. Angela is an abstract painter and you can find more about her, her work and the 100 Days of Healing & Remembrance project on her website – Angelacravenart.com.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.