I always just assumed that my parents and Mr. MPB’s parents would use the names that we used for our grandparents as kids. For example, my grandparents were grandpa and grandma. So, I assumed when my parents became grandparents, they’d just use grandpa and grandma.
Well, it turns out I was completely wrong!
My grandparents were Grandma and Grandpa, so I just assumed that’s what my parents would use. But, I was wrong. My Dad decided that his first grand-kids had to many grandpas and he wanted something different. So, he became Papa. I actually don’t hate the name Papa, but I still find it weird. My step-mom was assigned a name by her daughter, which is catchy and fun and works great. (Maybe I don’t care that she’s not Grandma because I always thought that would be my mom? I dunno, but it is a possibility).
As for Mr. MPB’s parents. Well, like most things, this is a bit more complicated. His dad is Grandpa. And everyone expected that to be his name and is therefore fine with it. But, his mom. She refused to use the name that her mom was called, because it was too hard for her after her mother died. Mr. MPB sees that name as a name of honour and he wishes his mom would use it. And so she chose a horrible name that all the adult kids hated. In fact, her two sons vetoed it and told her to come up with something else. So, she came up with something else…and it’s even worse. Her one son accepted it and his kids call her by that name. But, Mr. MPB, has adamantly refused to use the name she chose.
So, we have been in a passive aggressive battle for over 2 years now. She calls herself by the horrible name. We call her Grandma, a name we decided we liked, although not the name Mr. MPB wanted for her. Mr. MPB and his mom had one conversation about her choice of name, and Mr. MPB just told her eventually Little MPB will make his own choice on what to call her. But until then, we will be calling her Grandma.
Now, in my mind reason says that as Little MPB grows up, he’s likely to use the name we use for her, simply because he hears us talk about her and only sees her in person once a year. So, he’s just not going to know her that well and will be used to the name we’ve given her. But, who knows, he may eventually choose to use the other name. And really, for how little we see them, what does it really matter?
Anyways, all this brings to me to my question for today – who gets to choose the titles that Grandparents go by? Is it the grandparents themselves? The parents? Or the kid? And what do you do if the adults don’t agree?
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In the last 2 weeks I’ve been asked question by two friends, at two separate times. Both these friends have children of similar ages to Little MPB. One is expecting their second and to my knowledge the other is not.
Question 1: Will you and Mr. MPB adopt again?
Question 2: Now that you have Little MPB, are you going to try again? Now that you’ve adopted a pregnancy will probably work because you aren’t stressed anymore. It happens all the time.
I am always very blunt with my answer to these questions – We are one and done. After all we went through, we are so fortunate to have Little MPB that we plan to just soak up every moment with him. Sometimes I give a few more details about the financial and emotional aspects of adoption or how much I’d love another child in a perfect world. And other times I just end the conversation there, without sharing more. It depends on how I feel at the time and who the person is. But the one commonality to every variation of this question is that I leave no room for doubt – because my theory is that if I’m strong in my answer, they probably want as the question again.
But, I have to say, anytime these types of questions come up, I always end up thinking about why people think these questions are appropriate? Details of our sex life and fertility (or lack there of) is not a detailed conversation I really want to have with our friends and/or family. Just as I don’t want to know the details of their reproductive lives, so I don’t ask the questions.
And I have to say, the second question/comment about trying again and having it work this time, just urks me beyond belief. Why do people think that relaxing is going to fix us? And even more, why do we need to be fixed? Even the implication of needing to be fixed is insulting – we love our family as we are and we aren’t a broken family. And, even if science could fix my body, we aren’t interested. And I cannot lie, more then anything this type of comment makes me worry for Little MPB – I worry that one day he may hear this type of comment and he may interpret it to mean that somehow he’s not good enough because he’s not biologically ours, and that is just not okay. I wish adults could think about the potential power of their words.
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