In a few weeks time a new baby is joining our extended family.
This is the baby that belongs to the parents hurt us deeply with their pregnancy announcement which amongst other things was filled with their own self-centered way that offered us absolutely no compassion. We trusted them deeply, they are the only ones who have known about each pregnancy and loss as they happened. In fact, we trusted them so deeply that in our wills they were our child(ren)’s intended legal guardians. We are not very trusting by nature, and so to be hurt by them has left a very deep scar. A scar that is no-where near healed. In fact, with the exception of sending a baby gift for her shower, we’ve barely spoken to them since they announced their pregnancy.
If I’m honest about it, I don’t even think they know we are hurt. They haven’t seemed to notice our lack of communication. Or at least they haven’t asked. And we’ve made a decision not to tell, not now. Maybe one day, but for now we’ve decided that our hurt doesn’t need to cloud their happy experience with their first child.
So, the baby is due anytime now. We don’t actually know the due date. We never asked. They never told us. But we are pretty sure it’s mid-August.
And now, I am trying very hard to prepare myself for a wave of emotions.
I know it’s going to be hard. And so I’m looking to dig deep into my emotional reserves to help get me through it.
I anticipate that I will feel:
- Anger – that it is not us. And that it never will be.
- Hurt – that they have been so incredibly insensitive and hurtful to us.
- Frustration – that we will never have this experience.
- Lonely – because our hearts ache for a child, and yet we still do not have one.
- Envy – for how easy it was for them to have this child.
- Guilt – for having all these feelings and not just being happy for the birth of another child into our family.
- Love – for a little child that is completely innocent of the issues between us and the parents, and also innocent of our struggles and our losses.
Upon hearing that the baby is born I want to be overcome with happiness for them, but instead I expect to have sad tears rolling down my cheeks. Tears for the loss of two people we held very close to us, tears for what we don’t have and tears for what we will never experience. Realistically, I know that upon hearing the news from Mr. MPB, I can essentially guarantee that I will respond with some sort of smart-ass sarcastic comment to Mr. MPB (not them), as I deal with hurt through horrible humor, as if somehow it will mask the pain.
I hate knowing that I am going to feel mainly negative on this child’s birthday. Yet, I realize I also need to be honest with myself and allow myself to feel whatever emotions come to me.
That said, I do hope with time, my negative emotions will dissipate, just as they have for our other nephew.
Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this type of a birth announcement? Any ideas for how to cope?
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I try really hard to be positive. I try really hard to focus on the good. I try exceptionally hard to see at least a glimmer of hope all the time.
But you know, not every day is great. It doesn’t always come easy to me.
For me, often being positive takes effort. My early life events have taught me not to get my hopes too high. So, my natural perspective has always been that of realistic, I feel that I am fairly grounded in my expectations.
While I hold onto hope, I also do not get over the top excited for most things. I know this is partially grounded in my fears of things going wrong and my desire to keep the potential hurt to a minimum.
So, while sometimes it is hard, I’ve made a decision to be as positive as possible. Maybe not over the top optimistic about everything, but at least positive about my life and making a positive impact on the world.
This means that sometimes being positive can take a conscious effort on my part. Some days I feel myself sliding into a rut. I end up seeing the worst in people. Feeling down. Or just being grouchy. I let my hurt from years of losses, feelings of family neglect or hurtful people dictate my emotions. Sadly, too often, I give these events and people the power to influence my daily life.
And yet, looking back I realize that the more I practice being positive, the easier it it.
I look back at the last year and I am thankful that I was able to take time to focus on the good things in life. I am thankful that I was able to indulge in 365 days of happy to remind myself of the simple pleasure of life. I am thankful that I have a supportive husband who tries to make me smile and reminds me that I am very much loved every single day.
I look forward to the future, and I realize that we will be okay. I realize that I cannot predict the future, but I can do my very best to make it great with each and every decision I make. As someone wise recently said:
Even if you don’t have a garden, you can make one.
Even if your grass isn’t green, or you can’t grow grass… You can dream it up.
– Nara
And so, today I commit to continuing to dream and continuing to make my garden greener, with flowers blooming brighter and more vibrant every day.
My life may not be what I once thought it would be, but you know, it is pretty darn good.
I am pretty fortunate for the amazing people I have in my life. And, I look forward to many more days where I experience happy tears because I am overcome by joy and love from those in my life.
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My Perfect Breakdown 