Happy Tears

Yesterday I threw myself a pity-party.  I was disappointed in our families for their lack of celebration happening for our adoption.  I focused on how no-one is showing us any excitement.  How instead of instant excitement when we announced our plans to adopt we got comments like Maybe surrogacy is a better option? Are you sure you cannot have a biological baby have you tried everything?  How one side of our family is excitedly celebrating the joy of an upcoming baby for another family member (as they should) and how we are feeling pretty left out.  How at the end of the day, we really just want people to celebrate with us and to be excited for our baby and our family.  Baby shower or not, we just don’t see that happening for us and I think more then anything yesterday’s baby shower invite just made me realize how much I wish the people in our lives were excited for our child, just like they are for any other baby.

Yesterday I turned my back on hope.  Heck, I titled the post I’m Not Hoping, Not This Time – clearly hope and I were friends off yesterday.  At least we were, until I started reading all the comments I received.  Each and every one of you showed me that our child is already loved and being celebrated by so many people in the world and that I was clearly wrong to so quickly turn my back on hope.

You showed me that our child is so incredibly loved.  And so am I, and so is Mr. MPB.  You have reminded me that it really doesn’t matter what our traditional family members do and say because we have so much love coming at us from around the world.  In fact, I feel so much love that I’m at a loss for words and I have been crying happy tears.  Honestly, just reading the comments yesterday I sat at my computer with tears running down my cheeks (thank god I’m my own boss!).  We are loved.  We have so many who are celebrating with us and that’s just amazing.  It may not be a traditional celebration, but who cares, nothing about what we are doing is traditional so the shower doesn’t have to be either! I am beyond thankful for each and everyone one of you for reminding me of that.

I have to acknowledge that I was and still am completely shocked by the offers to shower our child with love with baby gifts.  Honestly, shocked! I kind of feel guilty about my whining because I know everyone in the Infertility and adoption community is facing their own bills that just seem to keep piling up. I know that what we are facing is no different then what virtually all of you are facing financially. And the cost of all of this is just another down side of being reproductively challenged.

Mr. MPB and I talked about all of your kind offers (he is just as touched as I am), and we have decided to share our registry with anyone I know who emails me requesting it.  Honestly, we spent a lot of time talking about this.  We tend to let our independence get in the way frequently, but we ultimately decided that your offers are most welcome because the gifts are for our baby and they deserve to be surrounded by love.  Additionally, we promise that anything we receive we will be sure to pass on to someone else who will benefit when we no longer need it – we want to pass on the love!

You also reminded me that I cannot only think about the people who have already hurt us or who we think might in the future.  Instead I need to focus on the people who love us. Our great friends, and those who will want to celebrate with us.  Yes, we may get hurt by some of the people we love, which always makes the hurt sting just a little bit more.  But, I cannot focus on that.  I need to focus our effort and our energy on those who do care.  Those who always support us and always love us, because at the end of the day those are the people who we choose to spend our time with and who will know and love our child without any strings attached.

Lastly, I want to thank each of your for reminded me that I really shouldn’t turn my back on hope.  While I am still not feel that that our family will come through in the end, given their past track record, I did take reassurance and comfort from those who suggested that maybe they will mobilize once we are matched/place. It is also possible people aren’t bringing it up yet because they don’t know how, or when the time will be right.  Maybe they just don’t know how to approach us? Adoption is different and we are the ones charting this new territory, so in many ways it is unfair to expect our families to figure it out on their own, when this has been thrust upon them.  Maybe they are still struggling to wrap their minds around all the adoption stuff, and they just aren’t there yet?  Or maybe it’s just difficult for some to celebrate a child that they do not see in a growing pregnant belly?  Regardless of the reason, what you reminded me is that, we don’t know any of their reasoning and it doesn’t really matter.  All I did yesterday was jump to the worst possible conclusion. I told myself a story based in my own personal fears and choose to believe it.  This is not helpful and it really just makes me feel worse then I need to and it also probably isn’t fair to most of the people in our lives. And even more importantly, the reality is that no matter how bad I’m feeling in a moment, I know better then to turn away from hope.  We all need hope in our lives to be a bright ray of sunshine that keeps us going.  And thankfully you reminded me of that!

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I am honoured to have such great friends in my life.

P.S. I will respond to each and every comment that was left yesterday.  Every time I have tried, I just end up crying happy tears and I haven’t been able to focus long enough to write anything.  Again, thank you all.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

78 Comments on “Happy Tears

  1. This blogging community has lifted me and supported me when I needed it, too. I’m glad you are surrounded by love & generous friends who want to celebrate your future child(ren) as friends should!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I was planning to respond yesterday, but first wanted to see what my mom did when she adopted. I didn’t get a chance to find out, but I’m guessing she didn’t have a shower since I slept in a dresser drawer for the first few weeks 😀
    I’m sure that the lack of family stepping up to the plate is because adoption isn’t something they’ve had experience with. If you have a friend or family member whom you trust, I would let them know how you’re feeling.
    I’m so happy to be a part of your journey. You are very cherished.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you are right, I think many people do not step up the same way with adoption as they do with “typical” babies, because no-one knows the right protocol and so it seems most people just don’t do anything. I guess if I were more vocal about it, maybe people would start to understand that by doing nothing, I am just left feeling alone and hurt. Maybe I will start trying to be a bit more open about this with our family, but honestly I am not sure it will make a difference. I just don’t know if I’m ready to open myself up to that and possibly be even more hurt…I just don’t know what’s best right now on that front.
      What I do know is that I am beyond thankful that I have you encouraging me every step of the way. I am thrilled to know you and beyond grateful for all your words of advice from your own experience. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, I’m happy you and hope are friends again! Put me on the list for your registry! You have my email! I really want to help welcome your kid to your family. I am always super excited when someone I know adopts because I imagine in some small way it must be like the feelings my parents had when they adopted me. (Like libraryowl they weren’t really ready – which is why I only have one name!)

    I’m really glad you are feeling happier today. I think it will all fall into place for you. And I want to hear about it when it does!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much my friend. I am still at a loss for words over all the kindness that has been showered on Baby MPB, Mr. MPB and myself. Honestly, I don’t even know how to begin to say thank you enough times over. I have you, and so many other wonderful people who have made me feel happier again, honestly, with all this love how could I not be happy? I’ll shoot you an email sometime over the weekend.
      Also, I love the sentiment about watching someone else adopt because it makes you think about how your parents felt when they adopted you.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think its wonderful. Some people in this world are born parents and sadly having their own isn’t possible. My godmother is one of those people. She’s a wonderful woman and if I ever lost my mum (heaven forbid) she’s the first person I’d turn to for anything.

    Adopting is beautiful and I admuire you for going for it. I wanted to desperately but my partner wasn’t willing. Don’t be disheartened. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Goldie. I never understood what it mean to be someone who was born to be a parent but couldn’t – but now I get that. And I have such a deep appreciation and kinship with anyone else who has ever struggled – if nothing else, these friendships are the beautiful part of our struggles. Thank you so much for your love and your encouragement – it truly means the world to me.

      Like

  5. You should feel loved and supported. You certainly do your share of it for others, and we love you for it! Please let me know about your registry too.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am honestly at a loss for words. Your kindness and generosity are beyond anything I could ever have imagined – honestly, I just don’t know how to say thank you to everyone in a way that even begins to describe how much I appreciate the love and support i so frequently receive from my friends like you. I’ll be sure to shoot you an email over the weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I already love your baby, and he or she may not even exist yet!! Rest assured that friends and family can be “weird” about any family additions that don’t come about the traditional way…I truly think most of them don’t know what to say/ask. Inevitably, they end up saying some really stupid, hurtful, and ignorant things. Or nothing at all, which feels equally rude.

    Your village may not be geographically centralized, but we’re here! And we are anxiously awaiting good news about your adoption process!

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    • Thank you so much for your understanding Caitlin. I think you are so right, that people just don’t know how to respond to adoption, it’s a foreign concept to most people. And you are right, saying nothing at all in some ways is even worse then saying the wrong thing, because as I can attest to this week, there is nothing worse then feeling lonely and unloved.
      But thank you so much for reminding me that I am loved, and more importantly so is Baby MPB. This little one is loved from every corner of the world, and that’s pretty amazing!

      Like

  7. I would LOVE to shower you and your family with gifts. And furs. And diamonds. Though admittedly something like a Diaper Genie is more reasonable.

    my email is thecommonostrich[at]gmail[dot]com. Hook me up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahaha! I would love to shower you in furs and diamonds too!! Heck, I’d love to shower all of us in diamonds, then we could all pay for our treatments/adoption without worry!!
      You are way to sweet my friend. Honestly, I am so thankful for you and for your unwavering love and support! I’ll shoot you an email this weekend sometimes.
      Also, I’ve been thinking of you since your post yesterday, I cannot help but be curious since you didn’t post after your appointment. I hope all is well.

      Like

      • It’s been a hectic past few days, but in a good way. I’ve been allowed back into society, and just in time as my baby extravaganza was yesterday! I’m hoping to write it all down in a few days.

        In summary, things are way less scary.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I can understand how family can crush your hopes without even knowing it. When I went back into fertility treatment for the second time, I though of things my mother might say , but was shocked when all I got from her is , ” don’t expect me to babysit “…I was speechless…I don’t think she has any idea what that comment did to me. She loves her grandchildren, I only wish I could see my children being spoiled by her. I am now to old and to ill to think of ever having a child, and due to my health, adoption is not an option either…..its a learning process for me to live my life without children…..I love reading about how you feel about this child, I can only imagine how it must feel , enjoy every moment of it….it’s now something I can only dream about , and learn to live gracefully in a world of mothers, and babies. I love that ppl are learning how to handle someone in their lives with infertility, cause I know , no one in my family or friends has a clue….and the all time winner of comments not to say to someone with infertility… ” God must of not wanted you to have children “. I have turned around and said , well than I suppose the drug addict that hates her kids was on the top of God’s list to have them, that shuts them up right away( not my most graceful moment ). I am learning, that not having children is a lifetime of grief and grace…watching other ppls childrens, birthday parties, graduations, etc, and the one I am noticing now is harder than I would of thought, not being a grandparent….what I wouldn’t do to watch a daughter of mine having her own baby….. I am so happy that you are going to cherish this child… as a child should be…..thanks for sharing this journey with all of us…as sometimes the way you explain yourself helps to put into words what sometimes can be so hard to explain, and I am so glad you feel the love from all of us, hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • At the end of this sentence I meant to say….and you are teaching them, ” I love that ppl are learning how to handle someone in their lives with infertility…….”

      Like

    • Thank you so much for sharing yourself with me too. I am so sorry your mother made such a comment to you, it’s amazing how much comments like that hurt us and always stick with us. I will never forget some of the comments people said to me too – I really do believe people don’t mean to be that hurtful, rather they just don’t think before they speak. At least I really hope that people don’t say these things intentionally.
      I am also so sorry that you are forced to learn to live your life in a way that you never imagined living – while we chose to adopt we seriously considered living without children and I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you some days. It sounds like you are making the most of your situation, but I can hear in your words that there are things that hurt and sting. And I am sorry that you have to bear that hurt.
      And thank you so much for your kind words and support. I am beyond thankful that you are supporting and loving me through all of this. I think so many of us share a special bond and common understanding, and I am thankful for knowing individuals like you.

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      • Ha, yes … I didn’t have time before but am reading through all the comments now, and this triggered some rich memories of thoughtless comments. Like the time, years back, when my Mom commented how well I was doing on my diet, and my Dad replied, encouragingly, “Yes, you used to have a backside like a side of beef, but it’s much better now.” REALLY??? No need to say how fast that toppled me off the wagon. And no, it doesn’t make sense that I promptly started a massive binge … Some people (Himself is one of them) are motivated by negative comments – they immediately determine to prove the commenter wrong. But I can’t help it – I believe that crap and it goes right down into my gut and becomes a part of me. It’s a weakness I detest, but have great difficulty overcoming.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I will never understand what comes over people when they make comments like this Belladonna Took. I just don’t understand how negativity is productive, yet as you say, so many people are motivated by it. Unfortunately, those of us who are hurt by these comments just end up suffering.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Good for you! It says a lot about your resilience that you turned it around in just one day. That’s amazing. When I get my hope crushed in this journey, it takes me a little while to spring back. It’s inspiring to see that you found the good in it all, and quickly. I love following your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think it says more about my friends, like you, who helped me turn it around! I could not have picked myself back up if it were not for the love I have received from you and from so many others – thank you from the bottom of my heart! This week, I needed you and I didn’t even realize it, so I am beyond thankful for your kindness and your love.

      Liked by 1 person

      • This fills me with happiness to know I helped a little. 😊. Truly, it does. I’ve had a rough week too on this journey and I’m so glad I can say I was able to offer some encouragement. This is a rough, rough road and I’m so thankful for people like you who “get it” and share thoughts that resonate with the rest of us.

        Like

      • You absolutely helped me! Honestly, I’d still be sitting in my unhappy, self-pity state if it were not for you!
        I too am thankful for you and your sharing – it’s nice to know that we are not the only ones going through this. It’s nice to share a common understanding with you. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m so glad you’re feeling better about things today! And I’m so happy that you found out that you have so much love and support already, even if that also isn’t the “traditional” kind. I’d love to be in on the “shower”, and you have my email if you want to send me your registry info!! I do hope though that your friends and family will also give you a proper shower, whenever you find out when you should be getting your baby. Fingers crossed!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am only feeling better because of my friends like you! Honestly, every single time I have gone back to respond to these comments I find myself crying again – I am just so grateful for you and all of my friends here who picked me back up with your love. Thank you just doesn’t seem to say it right, but I don’t know what words do.
      I am touched that you want to send baby MBP a little something – I am still feeling terribly guilty about accepting, but I will send you an email sometime this weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Don’t feel guilty!! I consider you a friend…who cares if we’ve never met, I share more with you than I do with most people in my real life!! I get something for ALL my friends having babies, you are no different!! Actually I usually make something for them, and depending on where I am in life with my own messes I’ll do my best lol. I’d love to send something. Maybe one day you can reciprocate the love 🙂

        Like

      • I totally know what you mean, I know you and a few other ladies through our blogs better then I know most people who I see regularly! We share such an amazing bond!
        You bet, I will absolutely reciprocate the love!! That’s what friends, do, right?! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes! I got your emails, but it’s been a crazy weekend. I’ll try to get back to you Tuesday…maybe…this week is going to be insane!!! But know I’m thinking of you!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well this week: tomorrow I work 7a-7p. Tuesday we have our IVF injections class and then I need to work on packing the hotel up. Wednesday I have a physical with my regular Dr in the am and work in the pm, then we have to finish packing the cars. Thursday is moving day, and jam packed!! We’ll see how I survive it all!

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      • Ouch – you are busy! Remember to take a moment and breath whenever you get stressed by it all – at least that’s my trick to help reduce any anxiety that comes up. 🙂

        Like

  11. I am already planning to have my daughter bring something over from South Africa for you when she visits in August, but I’d love to see your registry as well. Please email it to me at beladonatok@gmail.com. (And you might as well send your mailing address at the same time, since I’ll need it when the Girl Child gets here. Hope you don’t mind sharing that information!)

    As regards a celebration for your family … you know, you are going to face expenses for the next couple decades! It’s not really practical to have a baby shower – I mean, yes, you could have a shower in anticipation of a baby that’s coming some day, but most people do need a date for it to be “real”. I think that’s just the way people are, if they haven’t walked – or at least thought about walking – your road.

    On the other hand, you could have a “Welcome shower” after baby comes. Even tell close friends and family this is your off-beat alternative to the baby shower. Do you have a friend or family member who could make this happen for you? (And please, don’t be hurt that no one has offered. When things are not “the usual way”, people often just don’t KNOW what might be welcome!)

    My suggestion is, when baby is a month or so old (old enough that you’re bonded and into your routine), invite people to come and celebrate and officially meet this precious addition to your family. Instead of baby stuff, you’ll get bigger kid stuff, and maybe you can let people know you’ll be starting a college fund and they’re welcome to contribute.

    I don’t know whether you’ll like this idea or find it practical – one doesn’t want to seem to demand gifts, but at the same time it’s likely that people will WANT to give to your baby, they just don’t know how. There may even be concerns about the risk of hurt and disappointment – a fear that you may not get to adopt, for instance, or that the birth mother might change her mind … It’s just an unmarked path for so many. I know, and you know, and most of those on here know, that you WILL have your baby, and while you may not have a date you do know it will be soon. But others don’t know, and they don’t know the “etiquette”.

    I applaud your creative approach to so much of your life. You’ll figure out a way to be creative here too, I am sure!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Also, just wanted to say, if you’re hesitant to provide your address to a stranger, just email me and I’ll happily provide real personal information you can check. I keep my identity private here, but once we’re communicating directly I don’t feel a need to… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh my friend, you have brought tears to my eyes multiple times over the last few days. Every single time I have sat down to respond to your comment (and many others) I find myself crying. And I should point out I am not a crier!
        I am so humbled and honoured to call you a friend. Your support and love and wise advice, honestly I am just beyond grateful.
        I will send you an email this weekend – I have no issue sharing my contact information privately. Thank you again, I am truly at a loss for words and just wish I knew how to properly thank you for lifting me up when I need it most.

        Like

      • Weird … I tried emailing myself by clicking on the address in my note and I didn’t receive a test email, but then I emailed myself from a different account and it got through just fine. Must be a glitch in the WP system! Please just try again. The address is my WP name but with no double letters – beladonatok@gmail.com

        Like

  12. You are loved and supported by so many people and your child is and will be celebrated! I hate that it doesn’t always come from the people it SHOULD, but you do have so many people who are excited for you. I can’t wait to shower you and your baby with love and gifts!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wifey, you are beautiful women. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your ongoing and true love, support and friendship. Honestly, when I felt so low earlier this week, your words and love lifted me back up. I am truly grateful to know you.

      Liked by 1 person

    • How do I even begin to thank you for you love and your ongoing support? I am at a loss to explain just how wonderful you made me feel earlier this week when I was so low and felt so lonely. Honestly, I am just delighted to know that baby MPB is loved by you and so many people from all over the world. Feel free to send me an email at myperfectbreakdown@gmail.com. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

      Like

  13. I too would love the link to the registry! I am so glad that you have gotten the support you need from the people who follow your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Honestly, thank you! I know those two words are not enough, but your love and your support this week have made such a tremendous difference to me. All I wanted to know was that people love Baby MPB just as much as we do, and low and behold you and so many others showed me that we are loved from every corner of the world. Thank you so much. I’ll shoot you an email this weekend. Thank you again.

      Like

    • Oh my friend, you are an amazing women! Honestly, I just wish I knew how to thank you for lifting me up this week – I was beyond devastated and lonely earlier this week, and your love (and the love from so many people throughout the world) showed me that our little baby is already so loved. We have a whole world cheering our baby and our family on – that’s all I needed to hear and you did that for me. Honestly, thank you so much. I am just beyond touched and crying yet again as I’m thinking about all of this.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m so glad you found an opportunity to find hope from what seemed a hopeless situation. Because as long as we’re alive, there’s ALWAYS hope! When we start these IF blogs, what we’re really doing is reaching out to other infertiles for understanding and empathy, and it sounds like that’s exactly what you got. An untraditional “family” for an untraditional journey. Blessings to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so right, as long as we are alive, there is hope. Honestly, the worst moments I’ve had in the last few years have been the days where I have been unable to hold onto hope – there is a darkness that comes when hope isn’t there the way we need it to be. Thank you so much for your love and your support to help me see beyond my hurt and loneliness – I am beyond thankful for your words of encouragement to help me regain hope.

      Like

    • Oh sweetheart, you are an amazing women. Honestly, your support this week, your willingness to try to help pick me up when I was so low and feeling so lonely, I am just so thankful. All I needed to know was that we aren’t alone in this and so many people, like you, love our little one and are cheering our family on. I am so honoured and so touched by your love. I’ll shoot you an email later this weekend – thank you again. Somehow thank you doesn’t even begin to explain how grateful I am to you.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I am so unbelievably thankful for you and your love Elisha. I say it all the time to you, but I really do hope you know how much you mean to me. I felt so low this weekend, and so hurt and yet, in a matter of moments you (and so many others) made me realize just how loved we really are – honestly I feel guilty for even doubting that we are loved, I should have known better because every single day you shower me with love. I will send you an email later this weekend my friend. Again, thank you.

      Like

  15. You always manage to turn things around and I am so impressed by that! I didn’t comment yesterday but have been thinking about your post and trying to put myself in the shoes of your family and friends. I think I would error on the side of waiting until there is more certainty around the timing of Baby MPB’s arrival. I hope you are pleasantly surprised that they rally for you (and him/her) when that time comes, and more than that, I hope it is soon!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • First, thank you so much for your love! I can honestly say the only reason I was able to turn myself around and find my way back to hope so quickly this time is because of the love that you and so many others showered upon me. You all reminded me that Baby MPB is loved from every corner of the world and so many are cheering our family on.
      And, on some level I really do hope you are right about our family coming through in the end.

      Liked by 1 person

    • You are so right my friend! Honestly, I am beyond thankful for your reminder that our baby is loved and so many people from across the world are cheering our family on. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

      Like

    • I do hope you are right. But honestly, if they don’t, everyone reminded me this week that we’ll be okay with that too because our baby and us are loved by so many around the world and that’s pretty darn amazing!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. This community is beyond amazing. I’m so happy that it made you feel so loved. And most importantly, I’m glad you and hope are on good terms again! Me and hope, we’re like meh right now, but reading about other people feel hopeful makes me feel it, too! A million hugs for you, Mr. MPB and Baby MPB.

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  17. MPB–Drop me an email. Would love to shower you electronically. You guys are going to be great parents and you will have the love and support you need–it’s just goin3 to come in a different form. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my friend, I am truly grateful for your love and support. I do not even know how to begin to express how much your encouragement this week has meant to me. The one thing I now realize is that no matter how our family responds to our adoption in the long run, it really doesn’t matter because we have love and support coming at us from around the world. Thank you for reminding me of this.
      I’ll be sure to send you an email later this weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Lady, you must tell me how to find your registry. Proud of you for letting us fawn on you, Mr. MPB, and the little MPB to be a bit.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my friend, you are simply too kind. I know I’ve been slow to respond, but every single time I’ve read a comment like this I’ve been brought to tears. You are too kind. I will send you an email over the weekend.

      Like

  19. I’m sorry I missed your post yesterday, but I have so much love and respect for you, Mr. MPB, and your soon to be child. ❤ If you *ever* need anything, you know where to find me. Hugs!

    Like

  20. Pingback: A Moment of Sheer Panic | My Perfect Breakdown

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