A Pregnancy Announcement (Not Mine)
First, let me state, this post is NOT about me being pregnant. I am not pregnant.
I went to lunch the other day with someone I used to work with. She’s just returned a few months ago from her year long maternity leave. She made an effort to reconnect so I’ve been nice about it. She knew about our losses and yet she wasn’t always sensitive/nice to me during her pregnancy. At one point during her pregnancy (which was also just a few days after I had a D&C, which she knew about) she even emailed me this photo with some sort of joke which I don’t remember anymore:
Needless to say, receiving that email was when I officially stopped hanging out with her beyond the necessary work interactions.
But, being the ever nice person I’ve let her back in a bit since she’s been back at work. We were friends, I thought I’d take the high road and give it another try. I thought maybe I had been oversensitive to her comments and maybe she just wasn’t thinking when she sent me the photo.
So, we met up for lunch. We arrived at the same time and upon seeing her I instantly thought to myself: she’s pregnant again. No, I’m probably just being over sensitive and paranoid. From there, I put it out of mind.
Well, half-way through lunch she told me she’s about 9 weeks in. And then proceeded to explain how she’s not connected to this baby because she’s so afraid of a miscarriage. And then proceeded to complain about every single annoying pregnancy symptom – sleeping, hungry, exhausted, etc. How it’s such a pain being pregnant when she’s working so much and just wants to spend her evenings with her little one who isn’t even 1.5 years old yet. And then she went on to talk about how much her boss is going to be upset that she’s going to go on leave again. And then she proceeded to tell me the dates when they will tell their extended family and friends. How money is tight and two kids is going to be hard. How they really wanted another one, weren’t trying and just didn’t expect it to happen so quickly since they struggled for the first one (i.e. tried for a few months, lied about how long they were trying to get into the fertility clinic sooner so they could get clomid and then got pregnant the first month on clomid).
Because, clearly, out of all the people in the world, I’m the one that needs to know. Why wouldn’t I want to know every single detail about her pregnancy so far?
I congratulated her. I tried my best to be positive. Outwardly I was supportive, I was kind and I was nice. And on some level I truly am happy for her.
Yet, her announcement also hurt. I hear about someone else’s pregnancy
Yet, internally I was seething. Seriously, she knows about our losses and about our decision to adopt. I felt like she was throwing her happiness in my face, because she could.
I distinctly remembering thinking to myself at one point oh, the problems of a fertile!
Simply, I want what she has. (Well, I want the fertile part, asides from that I much prefer my life with my amazing husband).
I think open adoption is amazing, and I am beyond grateful we’ve found a way to grow our family. But, I think part of me will always wish for something I cannot have – a healthy pregnancy.
I think acknowledging this is a bit weird because to some it might imply that I adoption isn’t good enough. And I want to be clear, that’s not what I’m saying, I believe adoption is not a last resort and that it is an amazing way to build a family. I’m grateful that through all the struggles we have chosen to adopt. I’m thankful we can adopt. I am thankful that we are adopting.
What I’m saying is that my longing for a healthy pregnancy is simply part of my feelings and something I will probably always dream for. I know giving a voice to these feelings will not make the feelings go away, but I think it’s just part of being real to my feelings and myself. I know acknowledging these feelings wont make me less of a mother to our one day child, and I know that no matter what I will love our child with every ounce of my being.
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