A Pregnancy Announcement (Not Mine)

  Posted on July 31, 2015 By

 106 Comments

First, let me state, this post is NOT about me being pregnant.  I am not pregnant.

.

I went to lunch the other day with someone I used to work with.  She’s just returned a few months ago from her year long maternity leave.  She made an effort to reconnect so I’ve been nice about it.  She knew about our losses and yet she wasn’t always sensitive/nice to me during her pregnancy. At one point during her pregnancy (which was also just a few days after I had a D&C, which she knew about) she even emailed me this photo with some sort of joke which I don’t remember anymore:

From Pintrest

From Pintrest

Needless to say, receiving that email was when I officially stopped hanging out with her beyond the necessary work interactions.

But, being the ever nice person I’ve let her back in a bit since she’s been back at work.  We were friends, I thought I’d take the high road and give it another try.  I thought maybe I had been oversensitive to her comments and maybe she just wasn’t thinking when she sent me the photo.

So, we met up for lunch.  We arrived at the same time and upon seeing her I instantly thought to myself: she’s pregnant again.  No, I’m probably just being over sensitive and paranoid.  From there, I put it out of mind.

Well, half-way through lunch she told me she’s about 9 weeks in.  And then proceeded to explain how she’s not connected to this baby because she’s so afraid of a miscarriage.  And then proceeded to complain about every single annoying pregnancy symptom – sleeping, hungry, exhausted, etc.  How it’s such a pain being pregnant when she’s working so much and just wants to spend her evenings with her little one who isn’t even 1.5 years old yet.  And then she went on to talk about how much her boss is going to be upset that she’s going to go on leave again. And then she proceeded to tell me the dates when they will tell their extended family and friends.  How money is tight and two kids is going to be hard. How they really wanted another one, weren’t trying and just didn’t expect it to happen so quickly since they struggled for the first one (i.e. tried for a few months, lied about how long they were trying to get into the fertility clinic sooner so they could get clomid and then got pregnant the first month on clomid).

Because, clearly, out of all the people in the world, I’m the one that needs to know.  Why wouldn’t I want to know every single detail about her pregnancy so far?

I congratulated her.  I tried my best to be positive. Outwardly I was supportive, I was kind and I was nice.  And on some level I truly am happy for her.

Yet, her announcement also hurt.  I hear about someone else’s pregnancy

Yet, internally I was seething.  Seriously, she knows about our losses and about our decision to adopt.  I felt like she was throwing her happiness in my face, because she could.

I distinctly remembering thinking to myself at one point oh, the problems of a fertile!

Simply, I want what she has.   (Well, I want the fertile part, asides from that I much prefer my life with my amazing husband).

I think open adoption is amazing, and I am beyond grateful we’ve found a way to grow our family.  But, I think part of me will always wish for something I cannot have – a healthy pregnancy.

I think acknowledging this is a bit weird because to some it might imply that I adoption isn’t good enough.  And I want to be clear, that’s not what I’m saying, I believe adoption is not a last resort and that it is an amazing way to build a family.  I’m grateful that through all the struggles we have chosen to adopt.  I’m thankful we can adopt. I am thankful that we are adopting.

What I’m saying is that my longing for a healthy pregnancy is simply part of my feelings and something I will probably always dream for.  I know giving a voice to these feelings will not make the feelings go away, but I think it’s just part of being real to my feelings and myself.  I know acknowledging these feelings wont make me less of a mother to our one day child, and I know that no matter what I will love our child with every ounce of my being.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

 Category: Adoption, Infertility, Miscarriage, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss      Tags: , , , , , , ,

106 Comments on “A Pregnancy Announcement (Not Mine)”

  1. Ugh. Someone needs to smack that lady. I volunteer. 🙂 It’s one thing when people make insensitive comments that are ultimately well-meaning (“I’m sure you’ll be successful next time!”), but it’s another entirely when they’re clueless enough to whine at length about their pregnancy symptoms and about how they weren’t even trying to someone they know has experienced infertility and loss. That is just the pits. It sounds like she doesn’t have a lot of redeeming characteristics either… can you just quietly stop responding to her invitations and messages? I’m not one to hold a grudge, but this sounds like a pretty destructive relationship without a lot of redeeming characteristics.

    Sorry you had to go through that. Your emotional response sounds totally natural to me. You know that I’m very pro-adoption… and yet, here I am, pregnant (for now, thank goodness). When you’ve been through infertility and loss, it’s natural to mourn your lack of a healthy pregnancy, even though you might also be feeling grateful and joyful about adoption. You don’t need to apologize for that.

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    • I think you are right, there is a distinction between making well-meaning insensitive comments and just being insensitive.
      When I told Mr. MPB I was going to lunch with this girl he looked at me and just said “Why?” – so clearly you are not the only one who thinks it’s crazy for me to have agreed to meet her. We do see each other professionally still, so I thought it best to maintain the professional relationship. But, as you and Mr. MPB have suggested, it’s one thing to see each other at an official work function, it’s another to go out of my way to see her.
      Also, thank you for your affirmation that my feelings about all of this are natural. It’s weird to be grieve and yet be excited all at the same time. But, it is what it is, and I’m not going to pretend that it’s anything different.

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      • I will help. And throw in a few shots of my own. For good measure. Stop being nice. She’s a complete waste of time and energy.

        And it’s okay to want what we can’t have without that taking away our gratitude for what we can have with considerable effort and other resources. In my opinion.

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      • Lyra, Donna and SBCH, you are all too kind. Well, I’ll never advocate physical violence, I did enjoy each of your comments. You all made me smile and that’s awesome. Thank you!
        P.S. SBCH, I love your perspective about wanting what we can’t have without taking away our gratitude for what we can have. It’s exactly how I’m feeling.

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  2. Oh man.. this hits a raw nerve.. I could have been that friend of yours. I am in the same boat as hers(in fact you knew I was pregnant before my husband). I get her problems, what she is talking about are real problems, I am facing them too daily. I however choose to not write about it because I know it sounds selfish. I am sorry you had to sit through that. Well think about it this way, you & Mr MPB have decided to pursue adoption, you firmly believe it is the right path for your family, so don’t feel like its a second prize or something. In fact I know thats not how you feel, so don’t feel compelled to justify your desire to give birth to your baby. Adoption is wonderful to grow a family and you are so lucky that you both are on the same page with it. When we were in the midst of RPL, my husband was not keen on adoption/ donor or surrogacy, he would rather have lived child free while I wanted a child. What I am trying to say is that there might be couples like that too, who have no choice or chance to grow their own family through any means at all.

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    • My sweet friend, I’d listen to you complain any day! I would listen and support the best I can, because you wouldn’t say things to hurt me. I don’t for a second want you to censor yourself on my behalf – pregnancy isn’t always easy and it’s okay to voice that.
      I firmly believe there is a difference between you and her. She went three months without asking how I was when we worked together – it was all about her all the time (yes, I did start counting the weeks at one point because I became rather curious how long it would take for her to think about someone other then herself). You my friend, are a compassionate and amazing women – the type of women I aspire to be.

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      • I understand, I am not censoring, but you always need to know your audience.
        I am a RPL survivor, I know how low life can be in infertility, whats the point of my cribbing away about morning sickness(thank God its gone), exhaustion and life when pregnant and running after an increasingly active and mischievous toddler? Why complain over the things I begged to have for me someday to an audience that is primarily struggling with so much loss!

        You should have asked her why she thinks you of all people will understand her situation and I don’t mean it from an infertility angle. She is cribbing about stuff that anyone who is not a parent to two or more children or at least pregnant with another child would not relate to because they are completely different battles. You should have been kind and told her, maybe if you are struggling so much, you need therapy. Telling me wont help, I don’t understand your problems. That would have shut her up and hopefully cut her off too!

        And thanks for your sweet comment. If anyone in Toronto sees a woman grinning ear to ear like an idiot, you are responsible :))

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  3. Ahhh…I totally get this. I don’t know that we’ll ever be done grieving for the experience of being pregnant. And Honey, you are so much nicer than me!!!!!!! I’m pretty sure I would have told her off.

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    • You always get me – thanks!! I so appreciate how well we understand each other. 🙂
      I doubt there will be a next time, but if there ever is I don’t think I will continue to sit quietly.

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  4. Some people are so callous and I swear they do it on purpose, I could never be that thoughtless. Your story sounds so familiar. A ‘friend’ of mine told me she was 6weeks pregnant (so no need to tell me at all at that stage) when I just miscarried my last pregnancy. She then ‘popped in’ (I’ll point out here that we rarely meet up nor communicate freely) the day after my D&C (and the day before her 12 weeks scan) and proceeded to tell me how she hated pregnancy and everything about it. I sat there in total disbelief whilst hugging a hot water bottle and then she left (not once asking how I was)… I haven’t seen her since.
    I’m a believer in karma but I swear some people make a deal with the devil and will always end up landing on their feet whilst the rest of us fall flat on our face. It’s hard to not secretly hope something goes wrong for them but I slap myself everytime because as much as I disliked her in those moments, I wouldn’t wish those feelings of grief on my worse enemy.
    You never have to apologise for your feelings, facing what we feel helps us get through. You are an incredibly strong woman. x

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    • I swear this girl does it on purpose! I have no doubt in my mind about that actually. I think she gets some sort of twisted pleasure from comparing herself to me. And yet, asides from her fertile ways, I wouldn’t change my life with her, ever. But, alas, that’s not what she sees, I guess.
      I love your perspective on karma. Like you, I tend to believe in the premise of karma, and yet some days I’m just so confused how some people keep coming out on top no matter what they do. And yet, just like you, I wouldn’t for a second wish this heartache on any one.
      I’m sorry that you had someone in your life just like her. I don’t understand why people are so insensitive! Like Lyra211 said above, there is a difference between clueless well-meaning insensitive comments and just insensitive comments. I just don’t get it.

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  5. When I first starting reading this I was so pissed and frustrated with that insensitive lady. Then I realized she is so similar to one of my old friends. She is very fertile- knows my situation but still complains and lacks any sensitivity. I used to be envious of her but it has turned into pity. I realize that she is missing out on the big joys of life because she is caught up in the silly mundane. It’s not her fault- it is just her reality. Being tired or stressed or having a bad hair day stops her from truly enjoying how blessed she is with children and fertility. She has no perspective of the depth of loss and suffering so stays surface level in so many ways. I realized that she is far less fortunate than I because I revel in everything I have that is good and truly appreciate every moment with my son. The small stuff just doesn’t really get to me because I know what real struggle is. I think those of us that have gone through IF/ RPL have that tremendous gift for the rest of our lives. If we can get through this crappy part– we are truly the lucky ones. All this being said– I would still like to give her a swift kick in the shins for putting you through that 🙂

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    • It’s amazing that you too have someone like this in your life! I’m so sorry. Why can’t everyone be like you, supportive and loving in all that they say and do? Imagine how great life would be.
      Thank you for sharing about your friend, I think you have a very enlighten perspective when you say “it’s not her fault – it is just her reality.” I suspect that’s exactly what’s going on with the girl I know. And I also think you are right, that after living through IF/RPL we do have a gift that hopefully we carry with us for the rest of our lives so that we always have a healthy perspective.

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  6. OOooh this is that horrible idiot fertile you mentioned in your comment on my post yesterday!! She DOES sound horrible.
    I’m so sorry you had to suffer her yesterday !

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    • Yes, that’s the situation I mentioned on your blog. You motivated me to share it. I am sorry we are both suffering with these complicated emotional responses.

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  7. She sounds like a terrible person. She’s caught in the cycle of always finding something to complain about. For some people, they feel that unless they are complaining, they don’t have anything to add to a conversation. Doesn’t stop me from wanting to smack her upside the head.

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    • I think you are right, she’s in a cycle of complaining and I think she uses my situation to make herself feel better – i.e. no matter how much she complains she is still in a better position then I am, at least when it comes to fertility.

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      • What she doesn’t realize is that she is actually not a good person at all. I wonder if she gears her complaints to her audience- ie. A freeing struggling financially gets to hear how she can’t upgrade her 2 year old car because of the costs of her blessed fertility?

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      • I laughed at your car references, because she’s totally complained about their cars in the past! But not so much directly to me, to others we know. So, I think maybe your right on with this!

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  8. Some clever blogger (don’t remember who) wrote that an adopted/donor gametes child is a cure for childlessness but not for infertility. That put words on feelings I was having but wasn’t able to express. Your feelings now sound similar to that. Adoption is a wonderful thing but the road there is often much more difficult than the average pregnancy, and still you weren’t the one complaining at this lunch.

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    • I think you are right, thankfully adoption does cure childlessness, but not infertility. And there is a difference in our hearts which means there are different emotions at play within ourselves as we sort through everything. Thank you for understanding!

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  9. She sounds pretty awful. She hasn’t told extended friends and family, yet she told you? It does seem like she was trying to be a douchenozzle just because she can be. My guess is she’s pretty miserable and you know what they say about misery…

    I’d rid myself of her once and for all, and not feel a shred of guilt about it!

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    • Pretty awful is about the perfect way to sum her up. I’m with you on her telling me for no reason other then to be hurtful – we are not even close to being good enough friends that I should know before her family.
      I think outside of work required type functions you are right, no more of her toxicity in my life!
      P.S. I love the term douchenozzle. It is now part of my vocabulary from this point forward.

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  10. Clearly, because you and Mr. MPB have decided to adopt, you NO LONGER feel anything sad or negative about not being able to have a healthy pregnancy and your RPL. I mean, obviously! That’s probably what she thinks. How insensitive. And you would think that she would have put together that you sort of pieced her out of your life for this very reason months ago with her first kid. I just don;t have the patience for people like that. I would have pretended to take a phone call and made it so that I had to leave for some “emergency”.

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    • I adore your sarcasm, because I am such a sarcastic person in-real-life. 🙂
      And you are right, I shouldn’t have the patience for people like this, and usually I do not. Unfortunately in this circumstance I will have to see her from time to time professionally, but I think I’m going back to forced interactions only, no-more polite one-on-one lunches. It’s clearly just not worth my time.

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  11. I think one thing the fertile public doesn’t understand is that our longing for a successful pregnancy has nothing to do with how we end up building our family. Those of us affected by IF just mourn the fact that we can’t have that simplistic view of pregnancy the majority of the public has.

    I think it’s important for us to honor those feelings, and not be afraid of them. They don’t make the way we create our family any less, or second best. They’re just a desire we have that we shouldn’t be ashamed of.

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    • Yes, you are so right. My longing for a successful pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with how we build our family. These are two distinct and separate things and reminds me that adoption is a cure for childlessness, not a cure for IF/RPL.

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  12. You are so much more restrained than I. I have friends like this on FB that I have unfollowed, and one in real life. To her I ultimately had to say, ” I love when we hang out but right now it’s just too painful to hear about your pregnancy, and I may have to distance myself when you start showing. I still care about you, and I’m sure you understand. ” Then I would redirect the conversation. I don’t think she ever did really understand (though she knew about my loss) but I felt 100% justified in the future for declining her lunch invites.

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    • It sounds like you handled the situation with your friend with supreme grace. I hope she learned to understand, but honestly if she didn’t I think that’s okay to because you did what you needed to do for you. You are one amazing women.

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  13. Wow. What a cow. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t think fertile people understand how hurtful they can be, but I also don’t think that they really think. Because it doesn’t affect them the way it affects us. I have one friend I’ve ranted about before and I have a feeling she is in a mood with me because I’ve never come to her “Come and see my baby” gatherings. I just can’t face it. She doesn’t even know about my infertility but she’s so insensitive that she wouldn’t even think that something might be up. For example when T lost his job, and we were worried about money, we still went to her wedding but didn’t get a gift. (In my mind gifts are not obligatory… otherwise they wouldn’t be gifts.) It cost us a lot to attend the wedding as it was overnight in a hotel and travel, and we were surviving just off my salary. And she immediately texted the next day (her first day of married life!) to enquire about where our money donation to their honeymoon was! So she’s probably in a mood with me for not attending baby stuff, but you know what: I don’t care!

    This woman sounds like a PITA (an acronym, not bread) and I wouldn’t bother wasting any more of your time on her. Even knowing about your loss she sounds like she just wants to make herself feel better. I decided a while ago to cut toxic people out my my life- I won’t be horrible to them, but I won’t encourage the friendship. I won’t invest time and effort like I do in my other friendships. And you know what I found? That toxic people are really easy to get rid of. You just stop trying, and you realise that it was you making most of the effort in the first place.

    Free yourself! 🙂

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    • Wow.. I am insulin resistant and PITA is a real PITA for me. Too bad I love it 🙂 Your acronym made me laugh . Thanks!
      And yes, the “friend” you wrote about in your comment in a giant jackass. No other words!

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    • Nara, thank you for sharing. I think you are right about people who just don’t get it, like your friend and the girl I wrote about. There is no getting through to them, and it’s just not worth the effort required to try.
      Also, you are right in your assessment that she is PITA and she is someone that I do not plan to see socially again. We will cross paths professionally, so I need to be respectful but that’s about it.

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  14. I had someone like this in my life. Asked me to feel her pregnant belly while I was actively miscarrying. I barely speak to her anymore. She did something similar after a second surprise pregnancy. Yuck. I’m sorry, it sucksz

    Just know these feelings are normal with Adoption. Grieving the loss of your fertility is different than grieving childlessness. I am a mom to 2 now and still grieve that my body can’t do what it needs to do… The two are completely separate things. Things got a lot better once I was no longer childless for sure, but stupid IF… It’s always there even though it has gotten quieter. I think the thing I am most upset by is how much time it took away of our young lives.

    Hugs to you!

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    • I am so sorry that you have had such a horrible experience! I don’t think I’d take well to anyone asking me to feel their pregnant belly – I think that’s something I will voluntarily go my entire life without!
      And, thank you so much for reminding me of the distinction between grieving infertility and grieving childlessness. I will try harder to remember this because it is such an important separation. And you comment about how much it took away from our young lives, you are right about this. Spot on in fact.

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  16. Wowsers….not sure I would have coped with that situation as well as you did! I think I might have just got up and left! You have clearly come a long way to be so rational and thoughtful (and kind) when you were sitting opposite her.
    Hugs! 🙂

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I think a strong motivator in my ability to sit there and listen to her is that fact that we still cross path’s professionally so I have to see her again in that context. But no more personal conversations.

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  17. I could feel my blood pressure rising as I read this post. I’m angry with you and for you. It is so unfortunate that A) this girl doesn’t “get it” and B) that she could be doing it on purpose. I will forever have an issue with pregnancy announcements from people who aren’t in our community and the fact that she had the audacity to complain to you just disgusts me. I mean, I get it, people with kids are stressed, money is an issue, etc but people should know you don’t complain about that to anyone. Ugh. I’m still angry. I need to go meditate now and channel some of your good vibes because you handled that way better than I ever could have. I envision me flipping the table over and yelling things I probably would have regretted (or many not) later.

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    • I think your point B is what gets me the most. Now I do believe she does this intentionally, only because she’s done it to me before. And, I will never understand how someone can take pleasure in hurting someone else. I just don’t get it.
      Thank you so much for your love and support – it’s people like you who remind me that there is good in this world!

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  18. You deserve better. That’s really all I have to say about that. The fact that you took the high road that day at lunch even AFTER the history of how she’s treated you deserves an applaud. Hugs… because seriously, those kind of people make me want to throat punch, excessively. XO

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    • Thank you Mrs. Brooks. I think we all deserve better people then this in our lives! I know that I will not be making any sort of effort to reconnect with her outside of professional responsibilities.

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  21. What a horrible, horrible, insensitive person! She reminds me of a mum friend I had who was equally insensitive and I swear seemed to take some kind of perverse pleasure in torturing me with odd comments. I think some people, in their own insecurity, seek out others who they know have had or are having issues that they can ‘better’. I think these people build themselves up on other people’s sadness and misfortune. And weirdly – they always seem to be the ones that keep getting in touch. I’ve ignored several texts and a facebook message from the evil mum I cut out of my life – why does she persist in wanting to talk to me?! I think you are completely within your rights to walk away, smile to yourself and know that you never need to bother with her again. She will never be a decent friend – i.e. someone who considers your feelings and supports you. Gawd – if I’d been there with you I would have told her to change the damn record, lol! Hope you’re okay xxx

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    • I will never understand the person who takes some kind of perverse pleasure in torturing another person – I’m sorry you have someone in your life who also does that. I think you are right about this type of person, and honestly, she just reminds me that I’m thankful I’m not one of them!

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  22. I really don’t understand some people. You along with many others on here who have had a battered road through infertility have really heard it all. I can pretend I’ve had it as bad and I wouldn’t. Yet, even with my own infertility journey and losses I would have never been able to be so positive and kind so someone so blasé and unaware, or worse maybe she is aware. I don’t think it’s good for your sanity to be put in those situations. Personally I would have made a reason to leave or just plain asked her why, of all people, she would have chosen you to be the confidant when she knows your struggles. It makes me sick and angry for you.

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    • Thank you for understanding and getting it. I believe you are right, it’s not good for my well-being to knowingly open myself up to people like this. I wish I could be as forward as you and just ask why she is sharing with me, but alas I just don’t have it in me.

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  23. Also, I’m so happy you have chosen to adopt and I think you have thought about it in a very clear and concise manner. It overwhelms me with happiness to see your excitement about expanding your family through adoption. Nonetheless, it’s ok to grieve what you thought you would have, a pregnancy, and that’s nothing to be shameful of.

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  24. I have thought about this horrible lady some more and decided that even though I usually like to take a positive spin on things ( per my earlier comment) I am not giving her the benefit of the doubt. Although not nice to wish ill towards anyone I do hope she receives some sort of dose of perspective so she can stuff being such an insensitive b*tch. Also- you are amazing. Xo

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  25. You gotta be kidding me. Really? I am so sorry you had to sit though that. That couldn’t have been easy to sit and smile through the whole thing. Some people just don’t get it and they never will. It just hurts my heart that someone could be so insensitive to someone who is so amazing. You deserve much better friends. Sending you a big hug.

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    • Thanks my friend! Let me tell you, while I sat through it, I did not smile through it! You are right, some people just don’t get it, and some people are just mean. She, unfortunately, is clearly one of those people.

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  26. You are a bigger person than me! Whatever you do, please don’t let her back into your life. She sounds like a narcissist.

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  28. I think I need to cut a bitch.

    (oops..sorry…my ghetto is showing)

    I’m sorry you had to endure this level of insensitivity. She knew what she was doing and she did it anyway. Not. Nice.

    Your children are going to be very lucky to have your and your husband as parents. For you to take the high road and not to smack her stupid during lunch says a great deal about your character. Yes…they will be very lucky indeed.

    Hers? Well let’s just say that the jury’s out on that one.

    Sherry

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    • I think you are right, she knows exactly what she was doing and did it intentionally. I will never understand how people can be knowingly cruel!
      And thank you, your words are so kind. I do hope that we can teach our child(ren) the balance of taking the high road and also respecting their own needs. Something I am clearly still working on.

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  29. Ugh I wish I could go there and eject you from that lunch! How insensitive. I don’t know what people are thinking and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m so excited for your open adoption experience!

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  31. What is WRONG with people? It is so hard to tell if some people are just idiots or if they know that what they’re saying is TOTALLY inappropriate/insensitive and just don’t care. I can’t figure it out. I am so sorry she went on and on. Well, you tried to give her another chance and she blew it. adios! Just the other day, an old friend of mine (who knows our struggles, has 2 kids and is trying to “decide” when to have a third- ugh!) went on and on about how she couldn’t DECIDE when she wants to get pregnant again (must be nice!!!). I just smiled and nodded. Then, she talked for 5 minutes about how she doesn’t want to be having a baby at 35 bc that’s too old (I AM 35, LADY!!!) and wants to be done by 32. I was obviously uncomfortable at this point and got the hell out of there. But, even now, I can’t figure out if she’s just an idiot or if she knows she’s being insensitive and doesn’t care. So odd. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when it happens over and over with the same person, I just can’t imagine they don’t know better.
    Hopefully, you don’t have to see her much!!!
    xoxo

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    • I am so sorry that you too have experienced such insensitivity! I so don’t understand what is wrong with some people! Like you, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but at some point I do have to back away to protect myself. And with her, I will be backing away yet again. Thanks for your encouragement.

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  32. Seriously?! I’m so sorry she thought YOU of all people would be a good sounding board for her pregnancy woes. People can be so dense. I wonder if she feels guilty, so she’s trying to be transparent? Either way, not cool. She needs a healthy dose of empathy for you and your situation. I’m so sorry you had to sit through that. I don’t know how you did it. I wouldn’t have been able to keep my mouth shut. Thinking about you, and sending hugs your way.

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  33. I have been there, many, many times, including two weeks after nearly losing my life in an attempt to fall pregnant. They just don’t think, darling one. Huge hugs to you. xxx

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  34. That’s just completely rude. What is wrong with people!?!? I don’t understand why some people feel the need to shove things in our faces, especially when they know what kind of effect it will probably have on us. I would just completely cut ties with her. You don’t still work with her, do you? She’s rude and selfish, and I would completely steer clear!!

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    • I will never understand what is wrong with people like this. All I can figure is that she’s desperate for attention and wants to feel good about her life at the expense of others. I dunno, but that’s what I tend to think.
      I don’t work with her directly anymore, but we will cross paths in our professional lives. So, I cannot cut her out as I would others in my life who treat me this way. But, I do plan to steer clear whenever I can!

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      • I would at least never accept another invite from her to do anything outside of work! People like that just aren’t worth your time!
        If I were you, I don’t think I would have been able to keep my mouth shut the whole time. I would have went off on her lol!

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  35. I don’t know how you didn’t smack her into next week. She’s a sad person. And you are a wonderful, caring person. I’m sorry that you have to not only grieve for your babies, but also for the loss of being able to have a healthy pregnancy. That grief can be so tough. But you handle it beautifully and with dignity. xx

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  36. Hmm she kinda sounds like my brother’s GF. She is ALMOST 12 weeks and is already organising a baby shower (for her third baby) – I have a bit of rage over this. Don’t worry there is certainly a post coming about that.
    Meanwhile she often comes over and literally starts talking as if we were already mid conversation, she always starts the same. It is either, “Yeah, so…” or “Yeah, and…” what is that? Never asks how I am, has never ONCE asked how things are with the fertility treatments, doesn’t even know I am going to have to have a surgery. I figure eff it, if she is not interested enough to ask I am not going to tell her except for a msg when I get out saying she can’t bring my nephews over for a couple of days (they have a tendency to jump on you… big no, no post surgery 🙂 )
    Like I said earlier she is almost 12 weeks and she has already looked up how much money she can get from the government now she will have 3 kids. I felt like tearing my hair out when she told me this, I looked at her and said, “that would not be my priority right now, you have much more important things to consider” she said “yeah I know, but…” and kept talking about it. In the end the next time she took a breather I just said, “well I guess it is kinda nice to know that part of my hard earned taxes go to pay for my nieces and nephews to have stay at home Mums. I’m going to make a coffee” and I left, I have no idea what her reaction was to that, but I don’t think she understood I was having a dig at her.

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      • I know right?! Not even 12 weeks, 11 and a bit. Even once you get past the 12 weeks mark all the baby showers I have been to are in the last trimester not at 5 and a bit months, so very strange!

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  37. So weird! I’ve had this experience a few times and it’s always kind of surreal. My best guess is that it’s specific to a certain kind of person – they don’t spend a lot of time on introspection but sometimes they want to talk. We’ve been through some shit, we could probably relate, right‽ No cure for stupid…

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    • Surreal is a good word. It’s almost like I can sit back and look at it and I just end up thinking WTF? I think you are right about this being a specific type of person and there is no cure for stupid.

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  38. I totally get where you are coming from. I had something similar where I let someone back in because I wondered if I’d been too sensitive and nope; she really is a self-centred lady jerk 😕.

    But I also get the confusion/mixed feelings – you still yearn for pregnancy while genuinely embracing adoption. You feel joy for pregnant women, yet she’s a jerk, but despite that. you still want her pregnancy to go well. It’s everything all at once. I think sometimes IF makes your empathy and maturity expand.

    And that is part of what will make you a great mother and continue to be a cherished friend to the people in your life who aren’t like the girl you had lunch with. Hugs!

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    • Thanks for sharing and for understanding. You are right in your description about the confused/mixed feelings – it’s almost funny the crazy emotions I feel as a result of her.

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  39. Un.Be.Lievable! So good of you to give her the benefit of the doubt, sorry she turned out to be so completely unaware of what her words and actions can do to another human:( Still impressed by your grace in hard situations-you’re gonna be a great mom!

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  40. That passive aggressive heifer! She knew; I don’t even know her but I dint belive she’s that daft. You are a strong woman MPB. I might have stabbed hey with my fork. Ditch her. Sending you love and comforting hugs.

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  41. I just had a shitty announcement from a good friend. Sensitivity was about -10. They suck, regardless and I am sorry you’ve had such a let down again x

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    • I’m sorry you also just experienced this yet again! And the worst thing, is that I suspect we both will again in the future because most people just don’t get it.

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  42. Pingback: On Being Positive | My Perfect Breakdown

      • Oh gosh, I didn’t mean to make you think you needed to see her side, I’m sorry. I guess I just truly believe that others don’t get what it’s like to struggle to have a baby. I assume your friend wasn’t trying to hurt you, just doesn’t understand.

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      • Ha, I read your comment completely wrong, but I still think you made a really good point that we don’t always know what’s going on for others.
        That said, your intended point is also fair. She probably just don’t understand. 🙂

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