A very close friend, who is a mom to two beautiful little ones under the age of 3.5, recently said to me: I don’t know how you do it.  Some days, the only thing that saves my sanity is a quick call to my mom or my sister.  I know you cannot call your mom or your sister, I don’t want to make you sad by saying this, but I just don’t know how you do it.

She said this with the utmost love and compassion.  She was not trying to bring up hurt and sorrow.  She was simply being a compassionate friend.

My response to her was simple.  With a tear in my eye, I said I do not have a choice.  I choose not to call my step-mom and I will not call my mother-in-law, our relationships just aren’t that way.  They simply are not replacements nor do I would I ever be okay with either of them trying to be.  But what I do have is friends like you to call, and that just has to be enough because I really don’t a choice. 

The conversation ended there.  She is the only person to even mention how hard this must be without my mom or my sister, and I appreciate that she acknowledge this.

But my heart is heavy.

When Baby MPB was born I’ve made a very distinct decision not to focus on not having my mom to provide words of wisdom or my big sister to provide encouragement.  As I said, I don’t really have a choice.  But, I’ve realized, in making the decision to not focus on not having my mom and sister right now, I’ve also inadvertently made the decision to block them almost entirely from my mind.

But the reality is, I miss my mom and sister every single day.

I’m not going to lie, I’d give anything to have my mom and sister here right now.  I desperately wish Baby MPB could know them both.  My mom, well, I just know from experience she was an amazing mom so I know she would have had so much to share with me and support me.  And she would have been such an amazing grandmother.  And my sister, she was one of those young women who was meant to be a mom and care for children.  She babysat whenever she could because she loved children.  She was so compassionate and caring.  She dreamed to be a teacher when she grew up, and even as a kid I knew she’d be an awesome teacher.  And now, I’m also confident she would have been an amazing auntie to Baby MPB, dare I say, she would have been like a second mom.  That was just her nature.

Instead, I was someone who grew up dreaming to be a lawyer, only babysat when my sister was unavailable and if I needed the cash and swore I’d never have kids.  Yet, here I am now trying my damnedest to be the mommy Baby MPB deserves.  We’ve gone through hell and back to have this child and I love him more then anything in the world, yet I know I’m not naturally built to be a mom. I am someone that kids don’t naturally flock to, in fact, often kids run the other way. Heck, I’ve even said before that I don’t like all kids.  I’ll admit, all the mommy stuff, it’s not coming naturally to me (some of it is, but not all).

I wish with everything that I could have the guidance and support of my mom and sister right now.

I wish at 3am, when I’m at my wits end from exhaustion and a fussy baby, I could call my mom or my sister.

I wish I had pictures of my mom holding Baby MPB when we got home and wrapping him up in love to add to his photo album. And my sister too.

But I know all too well that not all wishes come true.

I’ve lived nearly 19 years without my mom and sister, so I can say with confidence at this point that my heart will always long for just one more moment with them.  But, I now realize I will also always wish that Baby MPB could have met them, and that they could be here to watch him grow up.

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