Not All Wishes Come True

A very close friend, who is a mom to two beautiful little ones under the age of 3.5, recently said to me: I don’t know how you do it.  Some days, the only thing that saves my sanity is a quick call to my mom or my sister.  I know you cannot call your mom or your sister, I don’t want to make you sad by saying this, but I just don’t know how you do it.

She said this with the utmost love and compassion.  She was not trying to bring up hurt and sorrow.  She was simply being a compassionate friend.

My response to her was simple.  With a tear in my eye, I said I do not have a choice.  I choose not to call my step-mom and I will not call my mother-in-law, our relationships just aren’t that way.  They simply are not replacements nor do I would I ever be okay with either of them trying to be.  But what I do have is friends like you to call, and that just has to be enough because I really don’t a choice. 

The conversation ended there.  She is the only person to even mention how hard this must be without my mom or my sister, and I appreciate that she acknowledge this.

But my heart is heavy.

When Baby MPB was born I’ve made a very distinct decision not to focus on not having my mom to provide words of wisdom or my big sister to provide encouragement.  As I said, I don’t really have a choice.  But, I’ve realized, in making the decision to not focus on not having my mom and sister right now, I’ve also inadvertently made the decision to block them almost entirely from my mind.

But the reality is, I miss my mom and sister every single day.

I’m not going to lie, I’d give anything to have my mom and sister here right now.  I desperately wish Baby MPB could know them both.  My mom, well, I just know from experience she was an amazing mom so I know she would have had so much to share with me and support me.  And she would have been such an amazing grandmother.  And my sister, she was one of those young women who was meant to be a mom and care for children.  She babysat whenever she could because she loved children.  She was so compassionate and caring.  She dreamed to be a teacher when she grew up, and even as a kid I knew she’d be an awesome teacher.  And now, I’m also confident she would have been an amazing auntie to Baby MPB, dare I say, she would have been like a second mom.  That was just her nature.

Instead, I was someone who grew up dreaming to be a lawyer, only babysat when my sister was unavailable and if I needed the cash and swore I’d never have kids.  Yet, here I am now trying my damnedest to be the mommy Baby MPB deserves.  We’ve gone through hell and back to have this child and I love him more then anything in the world, yet I know I’m not naturally built to be a mom. I am someone that kids don’t naturally flock to, in fact, often kids run the other way. Heck, I’ve even said before that I don’t like all kids.  I’ll admit, all the mommy stuff, it’s not coming naturally to me (some of it is, but not all).

I wish with everything that I could have the guidance and support of my mom and sister right now.

I wish at 3am, when I’m at my wits end from exhaustion and a fussy baby, I could call my mom or my sister.

I wish I had pictures of my mom holding Baby MPB when we got home and wrapping him up in love to add to his photo album. And my sister too.

But I know all too well that not all wishes come true.

I’ve lived nearly 19 years without my mom and sister, so I can say with confidence at this point that my heart will always long for just one more moment with them.  But, I now realize I will also always wish that Baby MPB could have met them, and that they could be here to watch him grow up.

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31 Comments on “Not All Wishes Come True

  1. I’m in tears reading this post. I too wish your mom and sister could meet your son and having him with you without them would be very difficult. I hope that you are reminded how strong you are in those bey difficult moments. I’m sending love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know (almost) exactly how you feel. I was playing with Chick just the other day and though how much my mom would have loved to know him. Cue emotional sucker punch. Nothing weirder than crying and playing with your baby at the same time.

    I think we’re both fortunate enough to have people in our lives who can offer us support when we need it. Friends are the family we choose, as the saying goes. It doesn’t make up for the ones that we’ve lost, but perhaps it does take out some of the sting.

    Many virtual hugs to you, dear.

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  3. This is heartbreaking. I seriously can’t imagine the strength and will it takes to get through these emotions and keep living. Although being a Mom may not feel natural, I know you are doing a lovely job. Hugs to you my friend.

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  4. I understand your hurt, and I wish you had your mom and sister to support you through the most important and biggest journey of your life – motherhood. It is so supremely unfair. Do you ever still talk to them/feel them close? I know it’s been a long time since they’ve passed away.

    Evelyn recently told me my dad comes to visit us. He died in 1987. She said he says he loves me and loves her. I’m not telling you this so you think my child and I are insane, but because I think your mom and sister are there with you in spirit.

    I know that brings little comfort when all you want/need is a hug from your mom and a call from your sister. I’m thinking of you and am glad you have friends to lean on. ❤

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    • I thought of you when I wrote this, knowing that you know a similar loss of a parent. I think, maybe similar to you, that they are with me in spirit. As long as I remember them, they will always be in my heart.
      Also similar to you, I think our chosen family, our dear friends, are so critical to these difficult times. I’m so thankful that we both have these friends to lean on, and as always I’m thankful for your wise words of support and love.
      Also, for the record, I do not think you and Evelyn are insane. Quite the opposite actually. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. One idea is just to tell Baby MPB all about them. When you miss them, tell him a story about one of them that you remember. He will soon grow to love them in his own way. I know that it must be so, so hard to navigate these waters without your mom and sister. I’m sorry.

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  6. I’m sorry that you can’t share baby MPB with your mom and sister. I don’t actually know if you are religious at all (I’m not) or what you believe in…but I believe that whatever happens after we are no longer on this earth, that our spirit sticks around to watch over those we love. I believe in my heart that your mom and sister are still with you, and therefore with baby MPB as well. I hope that doesn’t upset you or touch a nerve or anything, because that’s not what I want to do. I’m thankful that you have a wonderful husband and awesome friends that you can turn to for advice and assistance though. If you need anything, you know how to find me. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was brought up christian but really I’m not religious at this point in my life. Long story, but not one I feel like jumping into today. I’ve always loved the idea of an afterlife, only because it means I would get to see them again. Truthfully though I’m not convinced it exists. What I am convinced of is that they live on in my heart and my memories, which I can share with Baby MPB. Make sense?

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  7. Sending hugs X You know I was always quite maternal when young but plenty of mum stuff didn’t come naturally to me either. Parenting your own kids is a whole journey of its own and you will be great at some parts and suck at others as we are all only human and that’s ok xx

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    • Thanks for this! You make a good point that I needed to hear today – not all of this mothering stuff comes naturally to everyone! In fact, I doubt all of it comes naturally to anyone.

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  8. Ack, crying for you. I miss my mom everyday, too, and just cannot fathom that she’ll never know Lettie. It still seems unreal to me. Maybe someday Baby MPB will meet your mom and sister, and Lettie will meet my mom in the Great Beyond (whatever and wherever that is). But until then, I’m grateful that have each other, and also glad that you have lovely, compassionate friends near you as well. And P.S. Kids do not flock to me either, but Lettie loves me, and that is all that matters. I know you are doing a great job, and I know that baby MPB adores you, too!

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    • I knew this post would resonate with you. I am so sorry you understand this grief and this longing! Unreal is a good word for it.
      And I love your perspective, who cares if other kids don’t flock to us, all that matters is that our children love us and we love them! 🙂

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  9. My heart aches for you. I know they would have enriched baby MPB’s, but I know he will grow up feeling like he knows them because he will learn about them through you.

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  10. Sending you the biggest of hugs. I share your wants in this respect. Wants that will never be achieved but will always be yearned for. Everyday I miss my mum and what she could offer me as a mum (love, support, respite, advice), even more so in the darkest hours when you’re dog tired and have no one to lean on. But what cripples me the most is that N will grow up never knowing her love, her humour, her laugh. Never knowing what a truly amazing person she was. Now with the recent loss of my dad I feel that somehow, by having him ‘later in life’ I have robbed him of something that he should have by right, the love and support of grandparents. Thankfully my father got to meet him twice before his death and I managed to get a short video of the two together that I will treasure and show N when he is old enough. xxx

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    • I am so sorry that you understand this so well. You’ve articulated so well how I too am feeling without my mom. I am also glad to hear that you have a video of your father and N together! Such a beautiful thing to be able to share it with N as he grows up.

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  11. I’m sorry that you don’t get to share your mum and sis with your little one. That must totally suck. I am glad that you have friends you can talk with about your feelings. And I think Caitlin’s suggestion above is great, that you should tell him all about them. I know that I have felt strongly about people I never even met or can’t remember… It’s not the same, but it’s something.

    Also I feel like I should pull you up on the comment re not being meant to be a mum, or whatever… I honestly think it’s something most people feel before they have their first child. I wouldn’t know how it feels but I’m pretty sure I’d be similar to you – I’m not all lovey dovey mummyish and I don’t know if I ever would be. (I do like kids a lot, and they do end up liking me, but not until after they’ve run away in fear, haha.)

    My mum told me that she was really scared when they first got me because they hadn’t had time to prepare – I guess it is a different sort of preparation to growing a baby yourself. But those feelings develop over time. You are one of the most thoughtful people I know so I have no doubt you will be absolutely fine. X

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    • Nara, thank you. Thank you for your compassion and for getting it. After reading all these comments, I think you are right, most people don’t get being a mom (or dad) instantly. Not everything is natural, and that’s okay. And those of us who are not all “lovely dovey mommyish” are good people too!! Thank you so much for the reminder. 🙂

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  12. Oh Sweetie, I’m in tears reading this. I just can’t imagine. It was hard to not have my Dad to walk me down the aisle and it’ll be hard knowing he’s not here to see meet his grandchildren, but it’s not quite the same as not having your Mom and Sister. Sending you lots of love and big hugs! Also, I don’t know the time difference for us, but you are more than welcome to call me anytime things get hard and you just need a listening ear and even if you need some advice.

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  13. I’m so sorry you have to have this life altering experience- being a mom- without them. It isn’t fair. I know they live in your heart and memory. I know this isn’t the same, but sometimes when I am missing my grandma, I think, I wonder what she would say, advise, etc. It may seem silly, but I am usually able to predict it and smile 😊
    So sorry, friend. Hugs.

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