My heart says yes. My heart actually screams yes.
My head says no. There is just no practical way we make this happen.
Oddly (or maybe not oddly at all), Mr. MPB seems to be saying the exact same thing.
We would love another child. A sibling for Baby MPB. Another child for us to love. More laughter and love to fill our house. If we were normal fertile people I have no doubt we’d have another child (or two). But, we aren’t normal fertile people and thus, these decisions just aren’t that simple.
So, what are we supposed to do? How do we make this decision?
Part of me fears that we will say yes to the embroy’s and then not be able to find a healthy home for them to grow in. Another part of me fears that by some miracle we’ll find a healthy home for one to grow, and yet we’ll still endure miscarriages. And part of me knows that the cost paying for a gestational carrier (potentially upwards of 60K) simply isn’t in the cards for us from a purely financial perspective. And another part of me fears that if we don’t find a way to make it happen, that we’ll never have another opportunity to have a second child again. And truthfully, probably my most troubling fear right now is that our indecision means we are dragging our friends along for a ride based solely on our emotions, and not at all in theirs – how in the world can this be fair to them? And how much longer can we really ask them to sit and wait. (I do need to add that they are amazing individuals and have not put any pressure on us, but I cannot help but think in a way part of their lives are also on hold while we think things through).
I guess, all of this is to say, we still have no idea. If we listen to our hearts, a possible second child would be like a dream come true. But, if we look to all the practical problems facing us, it feels daunting and almost, dare I say, impossible.
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I finally have an appointment with my counselor. And I started to think about what I really want to talk to her about, and my list of stressors seems a tad bit out of control:
- Baby MPB’s birth-mother disappearing, while pregnant. I know she may just need her space, but this is very much unlike her and I’m sick with worry.
- My inability to sleep through the night. It’s increasingly becoming a problem over the last few months – Baby MPB wakes up for 10 minutes (or 2 hours), I’m up for 3-4 hours. I’m debating some sort of sleeping pill, Mr. MPB is not supportive as he’s afraid I’ll sleep through Baby MPB waking up in the first place.
- I’m constantly sick. As in, 3 colds within 4 weeks. In fact, I’m sick again right now and I no longer have a voice, which will make meeting with her interesting. See the note above, I think they go hand-in-hand.
- Issues we are having with grandparents. And our differing perspectives on them.
- My general frustration with Mr. MPB lately. I love him to pieces, but the last few weeks have been particularly hard for us. Between me being sick, him working insane hours, we just have not been on the same page.
- I am currently being threatened with a lawsuit against me and one of my client, because a third party is claiming I said things I didn’t, which in their opinion gave them permission to do something against the law. I of course have what I said in writing (thank god for meeting minutes), which absolutely did not give them permission to break the law – nor do I have the power to let people break the law, even if I wanted to! But as our lawyer has indicated, anyone can sue of over anything they want, the legal system does not prevent stupid lawsuits. Hopefully they are just posturing and trying to threaten us to get us to back down (which will not work, they broke the law and we have to enforce it). Anyways, I should mention, people in my profession rarely get sued. As in, never get sued. So ya, it’s been fun having that hanging over my head.
- I want Christmas to be amazing for Baby MPB, and yet, I really just want to skip it. The stress of all of it is just becoming a tad bit too much this year. Why do extended families make it so much work?
- Embryo adoption. Yup, that’s still playing in my mind on a daily basis.
- My irrational fear of Baby MPB being kidnapped while we sleep. This one might also play into my inability to sleep.
- Our dog. She just went in for her yearly check-up and it’s been confirmed that she’s getting old. As in start of arthritis in her hip and teeth problems, in addition to her normal tummy problems. I know, this might seem trivial so many, but she’s more then just a dog to me. She sat with me through every pregnancy and miscarriage. She’s already Baby MPB’s bestfriend (even if she doesn’t really want to be). She’s been at my side for almost 7 years now, and I’m simply not ready to see her age. The thought of losing her, gosh, I just cannot go there.
And the worst part of this list, is I know it’s not everything on my mind. I know there is more going on, but I cannot even think of everything right now!
And even more frustrating after waiting months to get in, I know what’s she’s going to say and it’s not going to help. I need to prioritize. I need to work less. Mr. MPB and I need to communicate better with each other. I cannot worry about things I cannot change. All great suggestions, but I need practical solutions.
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My Perfect Breakdown 